Hi all! My first post here. Been lurking anonymously and have found the site pretty impressive, so I've decided to create an account to share my story and hopefully get some insights from you wise people. So I’ve been actively questioning my heterosexuality since 4 months ago. Previously, there were instances since my late teens where the brief thought of whether I might be bisexual did cross my mind, but I usually just pushed it to the back of my mind and refused to entertain it. I did notice that I was always a little too quick to label others as “gay” or “bi” though… Like the time when I was in a project meeting and a female friend commented on how hot Adriana Lima (supermodel) is, and I immediately looked at her with suspicion and wondered if she’s a lesbian. Anyhow, the event that triggered my intense questioning was because I was on the train with another female friend of mine, and I had felt a ‘spark’ like no other when she grabbed my hand to prevent me from falling down. Before the train incident, we were having dinner together and I somehow felt very shy and self-conscious when I was sitting opposite her… Like there was some sort of an attraction/tension there that I couldn’t quite place my finger on. I couldn’t make sense of it but I certainly *felt* it. That happened when I had dinner with another female friend of mine a couple of months before this incident too. Coincidentally (or not), they both happen to be ‘butches’. I don’t remember much about when I was growing up, but I remember there was a particular Physical Education (P.E.) teacher that I was crazy about. I was in her class when I was about 8/9 years old perhaps, but even after she ceased to be my teacher, I never stopped looking out for her whenever I walked past the basketball courts. It didn’t register as a crush back then, and I’m still not sure if it is on retrospect, all I know is that I liked her a lot and found her extremely attractive although sometimes I couldn’t understand why I was always frantically looking out for her. About boys… Yes I’ve had crushes on them, not a lot, but enough. They were mainly emotional/romantic in nature. Oddly though, despite these crushes, I never wanted to date boys; I was also never really boy-crazy. I remember supposedly ‘hot’ male classmates whom all the girls in class were going ga-ga over and flirting with them outrageously but never quite understood why. So classmates started hooking up and with one another, that’s when I felt the pressure to be in a relationship too at about the age of 17/18. In relationships, I find that my interest in my bf wanes quickly. It feels more like me tolerating and letting them love me more than anything. That’s not to say that I didn’t have any feelings for them, but something always felt amiss. I can get really infatuated over men, don’t know how to explain it perhaps it’s the obsession of finally getting a “boyfriend” but beneath that infatuation there is no substance to it (hmm perhaps to phrase it differently, I liked the novelty of getting a bf and being in a relationship but not so much the actual person per se). I’ve never desired to be physically close to men, and I HATE men touching me. I always had to tolerate BFs wanting to hug/kiss/touch me. I have tried fantasizing about making out with the men that I was crushing on or a celebrity that I found attractive, but those fantasies always stopped short of sex. I always look at the bulge in their pants and find it disgusting (no offense!). Naked men do nothing for me, show me one and I wouldn’t even yearn to touch him. I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with my ex-boyfriend of 3 years, and I hated myself for that… so much so that I had a fling with another guy (whom as usual I didn’t desire sexually) and forced myself to do it with him. I always thought I would wait for the right guy to come along or save myself for marriage, but then again even celibate people HAVE sexual desire… I had absolutely no desire at all with men. I got bored giving handjobs, blowjobs were an interesting experience but not the least bit arousing, and the guy actually noticed that I lost arousal halfway through during intercourse. During masturbation with a dildo, I can get very aroused but once I imagine myself having penetrative sex with a male, somehow I start losing interest/arousal. I generally find men unattractive, but get butterflies when I see the occasional cute guy. I used to masturbate to men in the past, but it was mainly me kissing them i.e. their hands are nowhere on me. I still find the idea of straight sex arousing, but perhaps not when it is being done to me. About girls… Girls are hot, hot hot!!! Funny how I almost always use the word ‘hot’ to describe girls and ‘cute’ to describe guys. I have always been drooling over hot girls for as long as I can remember – something which I always thought all girls did as well. I get really excited (perhaps even turned on) when I see a hot girl. I find myself starting at women’s bodies, e.g. when I had dinner with a friend of mine who was wearing a super low-cut top, my eyes kept fixating on her boobs and I had to repeatedly force myself to look upwards. I would look at women’s lips and think that they look kissable, although I don’t actively think of kissing them. There were girls that I have felt an attraction towards in the past, although I’m not sure if those feelings were considered ‘crushes’ or were romantic in nature. Although my deepest impression of a person whom I really liked a lot was a woman, but once again I’m not sure if it was a romantic crush (perhaps I’m just in denial). I kissed a random lesbian at a gay club a few weeks ago (my first girl kiss!), and while it didn’t gross me out like men do, I didn’t feel anything either. But I was actually WILLING to kiss her rather than tolerating. And when she hugged me – I felt such a surge of warmth that I’ve never felt before. Is this the ‘fireworks’ feeling that people often talk about? We went on a few dates thereafter, which are great – while there is no crazy ‘infatuation’ feeling that I get with men, but the emotional connection is so much stronger and I am able to see her as a person instead of as a label (i.e. ‘boyfriend’). There is also so much lust when I am with her. I almost wanted to rip off her shirt once and I love staring at the outline of her body; it is an eye-opener for me to be lusting over a date. I would love to kiss her again, to go down on her… I can imagine a woman going down on me (something which I’ve never been able to fantasize about with men). Now that I have started to fantasize about a woman touching me intimately, it actually feels nice and right. A naked woman in bed is probably more exciting than a naked man! But most lesbians usually know they’re gay from a young age and I didn’t consider it until recently… Does that mean I’m not really gay and I’m making it all up? I’ve also started looking at girls very differently – they are a dating option now. Sometimes I find myself looking at a feminine guy and wishing that he was a tomboyish girl instead. When I watch porn, I ALWAYS look at the woman. I love watching women masturbate too, sometimes I think about wanting to pleasure a woman. I found a video of 2 girls kissing a few years ago, was so engrossed in it but then finally felt guilty about it. The incident was then repressed from my conscious mind till recently. Nowadays, I sometimes find myself thinking “I really want to kiss her but wait, oh, she’s a woman!” Even when I watch movies, I too almost always focus on the female lead, my favorite celebrities (the ones I’m crazy about) also tend to be females if that means anything. I’m now wavering between thinking I’m straight and not-straight. I don’t know if that means I’m really straight or I’m just denying my feelings. While sometimes I consciously don’t want to be associated with too much “gay” stuff for now, a part of me really wants to be at the lesbian parties (I LOVE up-close-and-personal dancing with women on the dancefloor). I think I’m still interested in dating men, but girls are now a possibility too. I still see myself being married to a man, but I cried while trying to fantasize about my wedding ceremony and sex with my ‘husband’ yesterday… I'm also having thoughts of “how is it possible that I’m a lesbian? I have been ‘straight’ all my life”. 2 friends have commented that because I'm sexually aroused by women, therefore I'm probably gay. Thoughts anyone?
That's a common misconception. Yes, the majority of gay/lesbian/bi people do gay things from a fairly early age (like that not-crush on your teacher) but there's a tremendous pressure to not to connect the dots and acknowledge what's going on. So, you invent excuses for yourself. No, no, no, that doesn't count. And that too. And conveniently, when I was so aroused by that same-sex kiss, I was so overwhelmed I forgot all about it. I don't look like a "[stereo]typical lesbian," (A largerly fictional creature, if my limited experience is itself in any way typical.) I don't want "gay stuff." (Except you know, actually dancing with girls, kissing them and sleeping with them.) My crushes don't really look/act gay (though wouldn't it be cool if they really were, I wonder?) And I'm totally not excited and joyful when they do something that could be remotely construed as gay. And all straight people are secretly aroused by same-sex kisses and stuff, aren't they? (No idea. I never was straight.) Seriously, what you wrote is pretty much a love letter to all the women of the world, it feels genuine. Your "maybe I'm making that attraction to girls up" disclaimers feel like made up excuses. Now, why are we, jhonnys-and-janes-come-latelys doing these crazy things to our minds? The short answer is: FUD (Fear, Uncertainity and Doubt) We fear being publicly associated with "gay stuff," that is, gay culture. As a result of that, we very well know what's supposed to be a recipe for a happy heterosexual life, but we don't have any such templates for being gay/bi, and that breeds uncertainity. And then we start to doubt if pursuing our true selves is really worth it. You seem to be on the right track, however, instead of just sitting there and inventing more elaborate excuses and paradoxes, you went out to a gay club, talked it over with friends, visited this site... And, so far, liked what you felt and saw. Now try and integrate some of that into your other tastes, plans and aspirations. You still can have your dream job, your nice house even kids... with your girlfriend. You can find novels, TV shows, etc., that show the kind of love and relationships you're really in, not the kind that is supposedly "normal." It's not really exactly the same as all that heteronormative stuff that surrounds you now, and achieving the kind of life you really want might require some adjustment and working around, and maybe even some stand-up fight, but it's always so. That stuff you desire wouldn't just fall in your lap if only you were straight, far from it. So, all you need is to adjust your plans, and prepare for a slightly tougher (but potentially MUCH more fulfilling) time getting it.
In my opinion, this is not a question to ignore, but one to explore. That feeling is a wonderful feeling, and yes it can find you later in life. I did not feel it, and fully recognize and accept what it was, until this year. I think regardless of whatever label you may or may not chose in the future, it sounds like you have a solid understanding of what and how you respond to people. You seem to know what you want, and this 'fireworks girl' seems like someone worth exploring in more depth. I am happy for you. Go get it!
Hey welcome to EC. I cant say for sure, noone can only you can know exactly how you feel but from what you have said I think it is pretty clear that you are at least not straight, I dont think straight girls think about other girls like that. I didnt work out I was gay till I was in my mid 20's and before that I really had never considered it, it wasnt that I was in denial or tried to forget about it, it never really crossed my mind. I think any crushes I had on guys were more attraction to their personality, they were always close friends, but I never felt a really strong draw. I always wondered why my friends went so wobberly at the knees for particular guys and wondered when I would mature into it, but I never did. I have to go now but I will try and catch up with the thread tomorrow and if you want to post on my wall feel free.
Thanks a lot for your replies! (btw is there any way I keep track of whether someone has replied to my post, instead of having to search for it in the forum all the time?) WeirdnessMagnet -- I think a lot of what you said is pretty true for me... Today I started off thinking that I'm a lesbian, and it felt OK. But midway through the day I was back to thinking that I'm 'straight' again, even though I was drooling over hot girls in a music video and thinking about doing naughty things with my lesbian crush. And even though I KNOW how much I used to hate ex-boyfriends touching me (even if it's something as simple as hugging, I would get so uncomfortable and squirm), somehow my mind is convincing me that I do like a man's touch and desire it... So I'm back to feeling like perhaps my attraction to women is made up. I also wonder if all this is HOCD, but then again I've never had OCD before. I don't know, it's just weird. :/ I wonder how long this phase will last, I'm quite sick of all this questioning and uncertainty already... Cyanyst -- Yes, I'm now casually dating that 'fireworks girl'! I really like spending time with her. Although I'm still not sure of what my label is, but I'm so happy whenever I'm with her that the rest of the world can vanish for all I care! silverhalo -- I think the thing that's holding me back from fully identifying as lesbian, is the fact that there is still some attraction to men. I'm not sure if it's part of social conditioning because that's how I've led my life thus far, or if it takes some time to get used to the whole concept of being a lesbian. I still get mentally excited and shy when I see a cute guy, though not in a lustful way. I think some guys are 'hot' but they are all celebrities. I feel like I can fall in love with a guy but there will always be a barrier between us because I don't like to be physically near him. Sometimes I wonder, do I have to LEARN and condition myself to desire men sexually or is it something that is ingrained in our biology? Perhaps I just haven't met the right man to make me feel that way yet. Sure I can get turned on after some action (initiated by the guy), but I don't recall having lusted over a man before. The other concern is my lack of romantic crushes on girls. I've been attracted to certain girls in the past, but they didn't register as being 'crushes', I just felt the attraction. I'm thinking if it could be because I wasn't open to the possibility of falling in love and being with a woman previously. Although for some unexplainable reason, the idea of having a 'girlfriend' feels more right than having a 'boyfriend' right now... I would love to chat more with you! Do you have a coming out story about how you realized you were a lesbian?
I'd say you're definitely not straight, most likely a lesbian in fact! I can relate to a lot of what you've said and I'm now thinking I might be a lesbian... I also always look at the woman when watching porn. I never look at the man! And I get even more turned on if the woman has short hair and looks like my type... :icon_wink Like Silverhalo, I only really started exploring my sexuality in my 20s. The idea crossed my mind before but it was never an issue because I was going out with guys and it was ok. So realizing later than others doesn't mean anything. >> Sometimes I find myself looking at a feminine guy and wishing that he was a tomboyish girl instead. Ha ha, me too :icon_redf And feminine guys are the only guys I find attractive :lol: You say you still feel attraction to men but would you want a relationship with them? Would you go out of your way to be their girlfriend? Cos if you're not, then you're most likely a lesbian. And it doesn't seem like you want to be sexually involved with guys in the first place. I thought I was bi for a while until I realized that the guys I do find attractive don't actually interest me. I don't want to be their girlfriend. I feel like I have to be girly and be someone I'm not in order to make them interested. What's the point? I tried to dress girly for a while but that didn't seem to make any difference so I thought "stuff this, I'm just gonna be me and dress how I want, and if no guys are attracted to me, so be it!" :lol:
It's OK to be a straight girl who just happens to date women, if that's what you're most comfortable with, although if that's heading where I think it is, it'll get very ridiculous very fast and you yourself wouldn't want to call yourself "straight" any more. Re "maybe the right man can..." Maybe he can. Problem is, although this is by no means unheard of, it's RARE, it's completely unpredictable and irreproducible and seriously counting on that chance is about as rational as planning to make a living winning lotteries. Why gamble your life and happiness away, when you already know for a fact that you like, want, and lust for women? And no, sexual attraction can't be "learned." It can change on its own (a concept many bis are very familiar with) but any attempts to direct or force it simply do not work. It was tried many times, and either failed on resulted in genuine mental health issues. Don't do that. It's not my opinion, or LGBT community propaganda, or anything like that. It's as close to an incontrovertible medical fact as these things get by now.
I could relate so much to your story, butterfly878! I just began to seriously question my sexuality a few months ago and am just now coming to terms with the fact that I might be gay. I seriously think it is the power of social conditioning and the strong norms that exist in our society that has led me to dismiss my feelings for other girls as silly, insignificant crushes and to pretend to be attracted to men, when in reality the thought of sex with men completely turns me off. And at first I doubted that I was actually lesbian, because like you, I thought that being gay or lesbian was something you realized at a young age, like 13 or 14. I am about to be 19 and I'm worried that people won't take me seriously when/if I decide to come out because I am just now realizing my sexuality. I feel like people will just see this as a "stage" I am going through during college. I am in the process of trying to re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings and see them through this new perspective. For example, I have always noticed girls' bodies, but I just told myself I was comparing their bodies to my own instead of admitting to myself that I was looking at them with desire. It's confusing to have to rethink my identity after so many years of being in a heterosexual identity! All I know is, I've kissed both guys and girls, and kissing girls is WAY more fun...
I would say definitely not straight. Any woman who has as much attraction toward women as you've described is not straight. I wouldn't go so far as to say you're a lesbian, but the more likely possibility is that you're bisexual with a stronger attraction for women. Idk what the genuine term for that is, but us young & dumbs in teenville call them "bisexual lesbians." Usually, a bisexual lesbian is very physically, sexually, & emotionally drawn to women, want to have a relationship with them, etc, but still hold a certain attraction for men too. That attraction for men might be lesser than that for women, but it still has a possibility of sparking into a relationship or even a long lasting marriage. All it means is that you're more leaning toward lesbianism, but you're straightness isn't altogether nonexistant. You might be a lesbian, too. You're level of ... er ... repulsion toward a man's touch & sex seems like you might really be gay. I know I might see a guy who's "cute" & admit, ehhh he's attractive. Doesn't mean I want him to touch me or kiss me, & it certainly doesn't mean I want a relationship with him. Beautiful people are everywhere, regardless of gender. But serious attraction is reserved to personal preferance. I hope this helps, I've never been more sure about my own lesbianism, but no it's not necessary that you figure this all out in your teen years. I'd say you've been realizing you're nonstraightness for a while, little by little. But after it all, I'll say this: all this labeling & stressing over which little box you fit in is not totally necessary. It's totally ok to just relax & enjoy you're emotions. Definitely give this fireworks girl a shot, though. Never shut anything good out because you're confused at the moment.
I think a lot can have to do with social conditioning and also the fact that sometimes people think that like with me because I am a lesbian I must find the thought of guys repulsive, which I dont, it doesnt have the same intensity or draw that girls do but I dont find it replusive.
Lol sorry I just read that over, I think repulsion is a pretty strong word. Noninterest, I guess. I personally feel close to repulsion at a man's touch but not in a physical sense. It's more of a withdrawal.
Once again, thank you for the replies! <3 Is anyone kind enough to tell me what exactly denial is and how it feels like? Because right now I’m back to predominantly thinking that I’m straight again. When I first jotted down the points to my initial post, I thought – wow that sounds pretty gay. But once I typed it out and posted it on the forum, my thinking immediately switched to “that’s silly, people are going to read it and think you’ve wasted their time because you’re just a confused straight girl”. And I honestly was kind of expecting people to comment that I am straight. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m really straight, or because now that I’m getting closer to the ‘truth’ I am afraid of what I might find. I mean, it’s so easy to just step back into the straight world, isn’t it? Blend in, be like everyone else… Have a husband and feel contented because I know that he loves me, grow and learn to love him as well although I may never be truly satisfied… When I think of being with a woman, there's an internal feeling of warmth. When I think of being with a man, I just feel happy because I know that I'm being loved. Go figure. I just recalled last night, that I used to be really interested in body piercings back when I was a teenager, so I would research and look up lots of pictures on it. When it came to piercings down there, I loved looking at the woman bits but the male parts didn’t do anything for me. It’s not gross, I just found it pretty meh and preferred looking at the woman’s. I’ve seen 2 naked men in real life before, and the sight didn’t do anything for me either. Alright, I just googled “nipple piercing” and I got SO aroused looking at women’s breasts but not men’s. Hmmm. Yes I still think I’m ‘straight’. Or maybe I just need more time to change my mentality and start getting comfortable with my new identity. Fisnou – I *think* I would still want a relationship with men… Although right now I’m more interested in the idea of having a relationship with a woman… But no, I don’t think I would go out of my way to be a guy’s girlfriend, don’t think I ever have. Good point! I will give more thought to what you have said. I used to be like that too, finding guys attractive but not wanting to be with them. Not sure what has changed, maybe it’s because I’m getting older and people around me are starting to get attached/married, and I’m feeling the pressure (my mum is nagging at me to get attached). After all, who wants to be alone and lonely? I remember though, I always run when I think a guy is trying to woo me. I don’t know why, but I just don’t like it at all! And having to reject them is awkward… I actually have a boy-crazy friend who *loves* such attention from men. Hmm, is that another red flag for me? Em11 – Yes just yesterday I caught myself staring at a woman’s body again… Although I’m still not sure about the desire VS admiring part. Maybe it’s because I live in a rather conservative country, so I’ve only kissed 2 guys on the lips before and only kissed 1 girl on the lips. Maybe I should try to kiss the girl again and see how it feels like. Lethalenemy23 – “Bisexual lesbian” sounds like a possibility. I am definitely very physically attracted to women, I don’t think half the guys are even as gorgeous as the women I see on a day-to-day basis. All my close friends are women as well, I just don’t get along very well with guys in general perhaps because of the lack of emotional connection and general disinterest in them. But I find that I tend to ‘fall in love’ with men although I don’t desire anything physical from them, i.e. my romantic feelings are directed towards men. Perhaps I’m a “hetero-romantic homo-sexual”? Or maybe because I haven’t had a relationship with a woman before, so I don’t know how that compares to being with a man. I’m definitely going to give fireworks girl a shot, who knows, maybe after getting together with her I may be more certain of myself and ditch men forever… Or she may turn out to be the wrong girl, and I can try dating other girls. If not, I can always go back to dating men. Funny though, a little voice within me tells me that my soul-mate is going to be a woman… Lol and repulsion is the right word to use! I wish men would leave me alone and stop touching me. I used to go to night clubs with my friends, and they seemed ok to be dancing with random men, but when a guy starts getting too close to me (e.g. hands on me) I immediately freeze and my friend could even tell that I looked very uncomfortable. I seem to be ok dancing with lesbians in the gay club though, I even enjoy it a lot! I wonder why...
In my experience, I think denial is when you try to convince yourself that what you believe isn't true. So here you're thinking you're straight because you're comfortable with the idea of being straight, doing like everyone (that is, having kids with the opposite sex, etc), doing what you've always done until now but you're not comfortable with the idea of you being bi/gay. Denial is a way for us to cope with something we're scared of, something we're not comfortable with. We all go through that at some stage. May be instead of trying to figure out who you are and how to label yourself, think of what you want most at this point in time. What would make you happy now, what does your true self want? Not what society wants, not what your parents want but what YOU want. If you feel more interested in dating girls then go for it. Now is the time to do it. :icon_wink Hopefully this will help me figure things out. Same, I don't like attention from guys or getting raunchy with some male strangers. I don't like the way it makes me feel. But I don't know if that says anything though...
Well, I'd say you're in denial. I've been through that, & I'm sure that almost everybody who has had an inkling that they were gay/bi have been through it too. I went through it when I was a lot younger, like 8 years old young. From ages 8-12, I realized with a startling clarity that I had no interest or attraction for men & never would. I desired women, I wanted a girlfriend, I liked thinking about having sex with a woman, etc. I know, crazy thoughts for an 8 year old, but I've always been an advanced thinker. So I dressed & acted like a boy for the next 4 years, insisting that I was a straight male, even tricking some straight girls into dating me (though I've never been too interested in straight women I've noticed, for some reason). After the development of breasts began, I realized being a boy wouldn't work & so I decided I must be a straight girl. That sucked even more. Finally I just had to accept that I wasn't straight, whether I was a male or female. Gay is an identity that lesbians & gay men both have, & it's just something you can't run away from. Sorry about going on about myself a little bit, but I swear I think I'm the most stubborn person in the world & even I had to eventually accept that I love women & I love being a woman, therefore I am a lesbian. So as for your denial question, that's my best answer. Yes, you must be in denial. Being straight is your comfort zone. You know you will be accepted if you are with a man, but you understand that you're not with him for your own benefit. You're repulsed by a man's touch, you're not nearly as attracted to men as women. You say that you have more of a romantic interest in men, but that may be because you've never been in a serious relationship with a woman, & have probably never actually thought about it. You're definitely not straight. The sooner you can vanish that from your mind, the better, because the thought "I'm straight" is obviously just a crutch at this point. It's a way of refusing to face what you are not comfortable with, or maybe what you can't quite understand about yourself. It's a scary process, I know, but you'll get there. Just try not to give up. It's good you're getting help to figure this out for yourself. It's never a good idea to lock something away in your mind without exploring it because you're scared of it.
I think there is one thing I can say for sure. You are not straight, even if you are not a lesbian, straight girls dont pass the time checking out other girls hot bodies haha. Its a good point that when you get to the point where it is about to become real you back out and try and begin to believe that you have made it all up, it is almost like making a leap of faith, or jumping out of the plane with a parachute. You at some point just have to summon up the courage to do it.
Hi ladies, thanks for your inputs. So here's a little update from me: Over dinner yesterday, I realized that I did check out my friend's body almost instinctually. I've probably been doing this for years, just never really thought about it. Then it hit me with a stunningly calm clarity: I am a freaking bisexual. I met fireworks girl last night. I didn't feel bolts of electricity shooting through my body when she touched me, but I still liked her touch -- it wasn't repulsive, it was comfortable and nice. It felt safe. But one thing that stood out, was that I could get so aroused just by being beside her that it's not even funny. I'm not sure if arousal can be willed; if it can't, then it must be my underlying sexual attraction to her. I think I'll identify myself as bisexual for now, till things get clearer and I figure out my thoughts. Bisexual because, while I'm mainly aroused by women, I can't deny the fact that there still exists some attraction to men. Despite having no label for years, over the past few months I became deathly obsessed with finding a label for myself that I kept trying to be one or the other (i.e. gay or straight) -- and ended up almost driving myself crazy that I forgot how to live; I desperately wanted to fit neatly into this binary world. I can't help but feel that, at the back of my mind buried a 100 feet beneath my subconscious, I have always known/suspected that I'm bisexual. The thought first popped up when I was in my mid/late teens, but I pushed it aside and never wanted to confront it, which wasn't exactly hard to do because I had just enough interest in the opposite sex to get me through the days. I hated that B word, and I still do (all the bi-phobia in the world isn't exactly helping either). I don't want to be like this, but I can't change who I am. But it is MY label, and I should start learning how to embrace it. While I am still wavering between denial and accepting the truth, I feel oddly calm now at this realization, but at the same time, there is much sadness and uncertainty. I don't know if I can trust myself much less have others trust me. But I have to remind myself that at the end of the day, I am still the same old geeky me. Nothing's changed. Thank you for listening to me, and for pushing me to face the fact that I'm clearly not straight. If not, I probably would have continued running away from the truth. Also, much thanks to Riese's article about bisexuality and labels (Autostraddle — Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About My Sexual Orientation And Were(n’t) Afraid To Ask) which really touched me in a way that I can't even begin to describe. Be right back while I go off to continue crying in a corner now.
Hi Butterfly878! Welcome so much to EC!!! My advice, if thinking of yourself or labelling yourself as a lesbian bothers you, then dont! Labels are what society needs, a person doesn't need them at all. Like other posters here, I agree that it sounds like youre not straight & definitely into women, so just focus on how you feel, it really is all that matters anyway!
I know this is a really late response, but I figured I'd go for it anyway. butterfly878, I cannot find the words to express how much your story resonates with me. Everything you said, word for word, is what I have been experiencing, thinking, feeling. I won't repeat any of it here because what you wrote could have come straight from my mouth. That being said, the one thing that has got me really anxious is potentially coming out to my friends. I can just imagine how I would be perceived as someone who is just confused, going through a phase, or going through *something*. I mean, for the past 20 years, I'm pretty sure I was seen as nothing but straight and saw to it that people saw me in that way. The one actual relationship I had was with a guy who was originally my best friend and always very important to me. I talked to my best friends all the time about this guy that I had a crush on, and I made it known how 'crazy' I was about him. So I can imagine how confusing or disingenuous it would appear to all of the people who know me when I suddenly 'decide' that I'm going to be a lesbian. Every day I feel more and more assured about being gay, and less and less insecure about realizing it later than most other people do. I keep reading here and elsewhere that figuring out your sexual orientation after the teen years is more common than one might think, but it just seems that all of my gay friends are so sure and have been so sure since they were young. In general, I like to think of myself as quite self-aware, or at least reflective. How was I so oblivious? How did everyone get on this boat that I missed? Anyway, I guess I'm just ranting about my anxieties. I have effectively (almost...not entirely...but almost) come out to myself, and I'm not worried about coming out as lesbian to my friends, as many of them are gay and they're certainly all liberal and accepting. But what worries me is coming out as NOT straight, and the confusion and suspicion I think it will bring about. Has anyone dealt with this in their experience?
In my experience, you can be absolute about your sexual identity and someone will still question the validity of it at some point in your lifetime. What is important is that you are comfortable with who you are, do not allow a label to define you. Do not force an orientation that is most suitable for others. I came out in my late twenties.
As a guy who likes guys, I can tell you: if you really harbored any attraction toward men, you would NEVER say something like that.
