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Old 27th Feb 2012, 06:09 PM   #1
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Default I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Heyy, I feel so bad right now I decided to make a thread. Before I come to the point here's some quick background information:

I've been straight all my life, and had a girlfriend I really loved. Three months ago all of a sudden my best (gay) friend - and roommate - kissed me, which at first got me quite mad, but later started confusing me. I started feeling more and more attracted to him, completely against my will. Then last month he told me he's in love with me, which confused me even more and started really messing with my head. (Oh and last but not least, I lost my girlfriend because of this as well, although that was probably for the best)
It's all in another thread of mine "Freaked out :s", though I wouldn't recommend reading it, it's grown quite long.

So 0ver the past month I've been constantly struggling in my head with my feelings. I know I definitely don't wanna be attracted to a guy, and the idea that I'm not straight and that I might be gay is just awful, and has given me some quite scary anxiety attacks. I just know sooo sure that I really don't wanna be gay. But when I'm close to him, which is a lot, I just feel so drawn to him. At first I didn't wanna admit it, but I can't deny it, I'm attracted to him a lot. I get all nervous and sweaty when I'm around him and get the feeling that I can't hold it in. The tension is just indebiable and it's making me uncomfortable. I don't wanna feel this way for a guy, but it's such a strong feeling.

Last Tuesday (so a week ago) I decided I could no longer hold it in, and I just had to try what it would feel like to kiss him (since he already knew I was having some doubts, because of some stuff he'd seen on my laptop and had confronted me with, I figured that didn't matter). So I just kissed him. I'm not gonna go into detail about the kiss, but in short... it scared me but I liked it at the same time.

The night after that kiss I cried the entire night, and I've been feeling 'stuck' ever since. I just don't know what to do anymore I know for so sure that I don't wanna be with a guy. I don't wanna kiss one, I don't wanna be attracted to one. But then when I think about him or the kiss, I feel like that's what I do want. Whenever we're close together, I have to try SO hard to stay were I am and not... I don't even know what I'd want to do. I just feel a huge sexual attraction (I can't deny it anymore) And I don't feel anything for girls anymore... not anything!!!! But I was straight... And now it just doesn't do a thing for me anymore. It doesn't make any sense :s I just don't want this I want it to stop. I want everything to go back to the way it was. I hate what's happening to me, I hate that I don't like girls anymore, I hate that I think about my friend the way I do. I don't want it But I know it's there, and I can't change it. I just wish I could allow myself to feel whatever I feel, but I don't find a way to do that , cause it just feels wrong whenever I think about it, even though I don't want it to.
At first I could just try not to think about it, but it is has grown too heavy now. I can't keep fighting anymore, because it is killing me. I'm not even fighting the fact that I like him anymore, that's useless. I've given up on that one. I guess I'm fighting letting those feelings go wherever they want. And I can't stop doing that :s I just don't know what to do.

Not sure if I'm even looking for advice, I just needed to speak my mind, because I feel like I'm holding in so much of myself already.

I really do appreciate it if you made it to the end of this post, by the way.

Last edited by justinf; 27th Feb 2012 at 06:14 PM..
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 06:15 PM   #2
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Hey, I know how you're feeling. I went through something similar last summer (except I didn't kiss him cuz he wasn't gay but I wanted to) and I felt really stuck and awful because of the way I had wanted to kiss him. All I can say is that for me at least you gradually start to get used to the idea. I'm not quite there yet but I'm getting there. Trust me I know this is like impossible advice to follow but try your best to just keep doing the things you enjoy and not think about it and it will figure itself out. Also, you may be bi if you've really had feelings for girls and now for a guy. Or it could be a freak occurrence. You're the only one that can know. Just give it time and adjust to the possibility. You don't need to decide anything, just accept the possibility.
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 06:26 PM   #3
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

I actually had sort of a similar situation. Almost a year ago now my friend kissed me. I have no idea if it even meant anything and I've never talked about it with her and so I just sort of continue to wonder. (Although she basically came out to me and has kissed me on the cheek two other times with others around and not kissed any of them.) I wasn't in a relationship so I can't say that I feel for you there, but I always thought I liked guys. I never even thought that there was a possibility that I could be gay at all.

One thing I would definately suggest is to seriously talk to him. I mean really talk to him. I think it could help you work through these feelings and figure out who you are. No need to label yourself as anything in particular, but your friend already knows you are questioning so I just think you should talk to him.
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 08:03 PM   #4
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Well, from what I could gather, you're probably at least bi. Is it only this friend you find even remotely attractive? If it's only him that doesn't necessarily indicate that your completely gay or anything. Although, it sounds like you might be, but you refuse to let that be the case. Why do you detest the possibility you might be gay so much? I know in my case I used to think like that because I had such homophobic ideas ingrained into my head growing up, but those can be overcome. I think perhaps you should just evaluate what you're feeling and why you detest it so much.

Hope I helped. And if you ever wanna talk or vent, feel free to message me
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 08:34 PM   #5
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

I can definitely relate to what you're going through. When I realized I was gay I was so sure I didn't want to be gay because I had already planned the perfect little future in my mind and it was all gone in the blink of an eye. I think this is the reason I was so down for at least two years, I did not want to be who I was. I then accepted who I was and now I'm much happier, despite not being out.

I feel for you, I really do. Sexuality is a fluid thing that we have no control over. People can either gradually or swiftly move from sexuality to sexuality and we don't have a choice who we're attracted to. Life is moving forward and no matter how much we want to turn back the clock, we cannot. This is who we are, trapped in the present, wishing for the past and preparing for the future.

All you can really do is come to terms with why you don't want to change and eventually accepting the inveitable. Chat with your friend, he would be of great help to you.

Hang in there, bud.
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 09:04 PM   #6
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

I know this is a tough situation. There a few possibilities that I see:

(1) The kiss you shared with him triggered some deeply buried gay feelings. Now that those feelings are suddenly surfacing and rapidly taking hold in your mind, they are overshadowing your normal straight feelings as your sub-conscious mind tried to deal with them. If this is the case, I would tell you that it may be good for you to distance yourself from the situation; allow yourself to sort out what you are feeling. I know this may seem terrible when you suddenly have these feelings for this guys, but being in any kind of relationship when you are so uncertain can do damage.

(2) The kiss you shared triggered extreme anxiety, which is clouding your judgement and playing tricks with your feelings and killing your sexual attraction to women through fear. Anxiety can have all sorts of affects. Your mind is so terrified of being gay, that it is manifesting thoughts and feelings that dont make sense. This happens in a lot of cases. An example often used by psychologists is when you see a pregnant woman and think about how awful it would be if someone kicked her in the stomach, and suddenly you may worry that you may be the kind of person that would do that and out of no where have feelings like you want to do just that. In most cases, you in no way really want to kick her in the stomach, but you are so afraid of being that kind of person that your mind manifests the urge to do it. I have experienced this personally in the recent past; I have terrible anxiety about everything, and awhile back I suddenly became terrified that I was turning straight (ironic given this situation), and even though I have never been attracted to women, I suddenly found myself "attracted to them" and having my feelings for men killed by the anxiety. My apparent attraction to women was nothing like my attraction for men, but the anxiety made it cause manifested a whole bunch of different issues. When I was finally able to get my anxiety under control, all of those feelings went away and everything went back to normal.

I can't tell you which one of these you are experiencing, but I will say that in either case it would be a good idea to put some space between you and this friend for awhile. This will let you sort out your feelings without him constantly causing anxiety and other feelings.

(P.S. sorry if there are any typos. I'm writing this on my phone, so it happens.)
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 10:16 PM   #7
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

A couple things:

1) You keep saying you don't want to be gay, even though you're having strong feelings for your friend and you find yourself less and less willing to fight them, so I wonder - what is it about being gay that you don't like? What's scaring you off?

2) It seems to me like maybe your friend is pressuring you a bit - admittedly, he may be forcing you to come to terms with something that you've avoided for a long time, and that may be healthy for you in the end, but first with the kissing, and then with going through your laptop, I get the impression that he's pushing you a little faster than you'd like. If that's the case, don't feel like you can't tell him to give you some space regarding this issue. No matter what ends up happening here, rushing you won't make anything better or more healthy for you.

That said, I hope you stick with the issue and resolve it for yourself in some way. I hope you can figure out what it is about being gay that you don't like - best of luck to you!
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 11:02 PM   #8
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Justin, I can imagine how difficult this has been for you. But what I hear you saying (and from other things you've said), I see you as moving from denial to anger (on the 5 stages), which is a positive step, as unpleasant as it is.

I think you already know the rest of the pieces, and have looked at the issues in your own life, so it's pretty undeniable what's going on for you. And I'm sure it's also sort of shocking that those feelings can just seemingly pop out of nowhere... but if you look inside yourself, you also know the feelings *aren't* coming out of nowhere and it's more that you managed to keep everything in denial up until now.

So I think the best thing for now is to just be with it and learn to accept what you're feeling. As you said, you can't change it... and I think you also realize that the feelings aren't *only* for your roommate, if you know what I'm saying.

I know it's tough. But you'll get there. Just hang in, go slowly and cautiously with your roommate, and work on loving and accepting yourself.
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 11:19 PM   #9
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Thanks all of you so much for the advice and stories. It's much appreciated and you have no idea how helpful it is. Really, thanks to you all
To answer some questions:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andane View Post
Is it only this friend you find even remotely attractive?
Well, earlier I already got the advice to watch um.. gay porn, to figure some things out. And... I got turned on by that. Though I was mostly thinking about my roomie while watching. So I don't know it that counts. EDIT Ok Chip, fine, it counts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gravity View Post
It seems to me like maybe your friend is pressuring you a bit - admittedly, he may be forcing you to come to terms with something that you've avoided for a long time, and that may be healthy for you in the end, but first with the kissing, and then with going through your laptop, I get the impression that he's pushing you a little faster than you'd like. If that's the case, don't feel like you can't tell him to give you some space regarding this issue. No matter what ends up happening here, rushing you won't make anything better or more healthy for you.
You're right, honestly I felt like he was pressuring me, I was pretty mad at him about the kiss and the laptop thing just had me going furious. I talked to him about it though, and asked to please give me some space He apologized and completely understood and he's kept his distance (for as far that's possible as roommates-best friends) ever since. So right now, it's probably the fact that I'm confronted with him every single day that's not really helping.


There seem to be some of you who wonder why I hate the idea of being gay so much. I don't know. It's just something within me I guess that's holding me back. Admittedly, I was raised strongly religious, and yes maybe some will consider me strongly religious as well. I don't know, though, I mean I do have a best friend who's gay and who I think is nothing less than anyone else. I have a feeling it's more just me than my upbringing.

Oh and what Colorful said about the serious talk... we kinda already had that the night after we kissed, so Wednesday. Or, wel... it was more like he was talking to me, I was just listening -- he had me sit down and told me how he knew how hard it must be and knew what I was going through, and that I should take all the time I need, that he wasn't expecting anything from me, but that I had to know he'd always be there for me. -- I know that sounds great and all, and it really was, but it was also kinndof a weird experience in which I just sat there with wet eyes, feeling quite vulnerable and weak actually, don't know why.

I know distancing myself from him might be a good idea. It's just that we're best friends and it would mean I'd have to kick him out, because he came a lot later to this apartment than I did. + We're all very good friends (we're with four in the apartment). I don't even know if I want him to go anywhere, I still enjoy hanging out with him when we have one of those good old days.

EDIT @Chip. I hate it when you're right.

Thanks again for your reactions, it's so great to have a place like this to go to. I've carefully read all of them and am still deciding on how to take it from here. For one, I'll just take more time... again.
Thanks

Last edited by justinf; 27th Feb 2012 at 11:29 PM..
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 11:36 PM   #10
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Mate, I know this reply is probably a bit late but this actually sounds really interesting. It sort of sounds like a real life version of the stories that you see on TV (mainly the german soap (GZSZ?) with the characters Lenny/Carsten).

My advice - don't shove him away. It sounds like this guy is actively inspiring passion and chemistry in your life. You may be gay, or straight, or bi but it sounds like the two of you have awesome chemistry--no matter the gender at hand. The only really important questions (to me) would be - 1. is he a good friend? and 2. Do you trust him?. If the answer to both of those is yes then it is probably worth a shot to go a bit further in exploring your relationship. Just make it clear that you have feelings for him--and only him right now--that you want to explore. You can say that you don't know whether or not you are strictly straight, or gay, or bi but that you have never had feelings before for any guys before him. Say that you have been going crazy ever since that first kiss....Essentially tell him exactly what you said here.

Where does it go from there? I don't know but don't throw away a good relationship out of fear of what might happen.

Anyways, my 2 cents.
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Old 27th Feb 2012, 11:45 PM   #11
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Hi Justin,

I read through the thread and I wish you all the best. I went through a similar experience (except with my best straight guy friend) when I was 19. One of the books that really helped me was The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World by Alan Downs.

Just remember, is not a rush and take all the time you need.
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 12:21 AM   #12
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

What I wonder is: Did you have feelings towards guys before he kissed you?

To me, it sounds like you have some undiscovered feelings that were finally acknowledged when he kissed you and now your mind is trying to rationalize those by blaming it on the kiss.

I know from experience how that feels. I uh, had some stuff happen to me when I was a kid, and my whole life I've been pissed off that it even happened cuz I thought that's what made me turned on by guys.
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 12:32 AM   #13
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

As much as you may hate to hear this, you are sexually attracted to your room mate. And realistically, there's nothing you can do about it. You're currently in denial about your attraction to him, hence why you feel disgusting and horrible. Bear in mind these feelings do not go away easily, even some people who are out to lots of people still might feel slightly uncomfortable about same-sex attraction.

Your attraction to women is just 'hiding', that's all. As a bi guy, whenever I like a girl, I'm more into girls, and when I like a guy, I'm more into guys. Don't sweat it. The anxiety is also aiding in this 'hiding'. The fact you're getting turned on by gay porn is a strong indication that you are probably bi. You could be more towards the 'straight' end of bisexuality, though.

In the end though, it is most important that you don't rush yourself into anything, and that you enter this situation with an open mind. It is quite possible that once you start accepting yourself, you might find that you're quite happy being in a relationship with him.
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 07:33 AM   #14
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Thanks for the new replies, again, it's nice knowing there are people who take some time to read this.

@Skyfire13 I've never heard of that soap, but I'll definitely check it out.
The answers to your questions: 1. Yes, he's the best friend I've ever had. 2. Even though I feel really uncomfortable around him right now -- yes, I do trust him.
It sounds so right when you say it... just not sure if I can bring myself to do it. But everything you say makes so much sense... Thanks, you actually kinda got me thinking about it... not sure yet, though.

@squally89 Thanks Maybe I'll give it a try.

@TriCube. No I didn't. I think you're right. I did blame it all on the kiss, and especially on him. Not anymore, though, it was just... a trigger or something. I can still hate the kiss though, for being that trigger, right.
You've found out now that that's not what made you get turned on by guys by the way, right?

@Mad_Man_L I so hope that you are right about the women thing. I'm not counting on it though
On a side note "you might find that you're quite happy being in a relationship with him"" You have no idea how weird this sounds relationship with HIM... just weird.


Justin.
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 12:03 PM   #15
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

I read through the whole thing and boy you put a lot of emotion in that story and I could really feel your pain.

One part of me wants to tell you to stop fighting and give into your feelings, but another part of me is wants to tell you to keep fighting it. I think you're feeling the same thing. Your moral and christian views are at war with each other and you don't know what side to pick.

Here's what I can tell you. Do whatever you think is right and you feel the most comfortable with.
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 04:07 PM   #16
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Hey, I read the entire thread and I really can understand how this whole situation has basically walloped you. As a few others have said, I really think you need to search deep inside to understand why you are so fearful of being gay yourself, while seemingly to totally accept that of your best friend and I suppose those of us here at EC as well.

Why is it ok for us but not for you? Are we somehow less deserving of the "common" life of a wife and kids? Are we less moral or less able to live honorable lives? I know these are unfair questions, but I think you really need to reconcile the thoughts of being gay, you or anyone else, with your true beliefs. Not just what some religion based on a 2000-year old continuously misinterpreted text that you have grown up with says.

PS, I was gonna link you to this thread: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming...-am-i-gay.html. But then I noticed you already read and commented on it, so I really hope you take its last sentence to heart.
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 04:35 PM   #17
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by justinf View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gravity View Post
It seems to me like maybe your friend is pressuring you a bit - admittedly, he may be forcing you to come to terms with something that you've avoided for a long time, and that may be healthy for you in the end, but first with the kissing, and then with going through your laptop, I get the impression that he's pushing you a little faster than you'd like. If that's the case, don't feel like you can't tell him to give you some space regarding this issue. No matter what ends up happening here, rushing you won't make anything better or more healthy for you.
You're right, honestly I felt like he was pressuring me, I was pretty mad at him about the kiss and the laptop thing just had me going furious. I talked to him about it though, and asked to please give me some space He apologized and completely understood and he's kept his distance (for as far that's possible as roommates-best friends) ever since. So right now, it's probably the fact that I'm confronted with him every single day that's not really helping.
Well good then - whatever happens, and as other people have been saying on here, feeling pressured won't help. I do think it's a good idea though that he's still around - forgetting about the whole thing entirely probably wouldn't help either. You should confront it - just at your own pace.

Quote:
Originally Posted by justinf View Post
There seem to be some of you who wonder why I hate the idea of being gay so much. I don't know. It's just something within me I guess that's holding me back. Admittedly, I was raised strongly religious, and yes maybe some will consider me strongly religious as well. I don't know, though, I mean I do have a best friend who's gay and who I think is nothing less than anyone else. I have a feeling it's more just me than my upbringing.
What I was getting at, in particular, here was whether you hated the idea of going out on a date with a guy, kissing a guy, having a relationship with a guy - or if it was the idea of being teased, bullied, made to feel different, and generally not accepted by people. The difference between being afraid of one and afraid of the other makes a big difference, as you might guess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by justinf View Post
@TriCube. No I didn't. I think you're right. I did blame it all on the kiss, and especially on him. Not anymore, though, it was just... a trigger or something. I can still hate the kiss though, for being that trigger, right.
You've found out now that that's not what made you get turned on by guys by the way, right?
If the kiss triggered something genuine, then try not to hate it. As surprising as it may have been for you, if it revealed something about yourself to you that you didn't know before, then ultimately it will work out to be a good thing.

Continued good luck and well-wishing!
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 05:44 PM   #18
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

something i have found that can be useful in questions like this is the question "why?" you can ask why to so many things right now and finding the most specific answer possible could really help you understand what your going through. the thing i would probably recommend questioning though is either why you "don't want to be gay" or why your attracted to him. normally when one person is attracted to another it is something about that person that excites them. the way they smile, etc... you could even ask yourself why you think you might be gay suddenly like the others said before me the answers are up to you but finding them may help you a great deal. ^^
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 06:06 PM   #19
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

You will figure yourself out some day I promise you this, all I can say though is don't fight your feelings. That will only cause difficulty for yourself.
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Old 28th Feb 2012, 06:33 PM   #20
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Default Re: I kissed him. I don't wanna be gay!!!!!! :(

justin, i think you also need to address your "homophobic" feelings towards gays. ask yourself, why do you not want to be gay? what is it about gay people or gay culture you don't like? if possible, visit a local lgbt community center and get to know gay people, you might be surprised how normal they are. once you become more accepting of it, you may become more accepting of your sexual feelings toward your friend.
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