So I haven't really posted lately on EC because I haven't had the feeling that I'm getting anywhere. The few posts I've made have either had people hate me or gets not reception to begin with. I usually only visit EC to chat with two friends. But I'm here now because I don't know where else to go. Last October, my bestest best friend ever, "broke up with me". We've known each other since the 8th grade, and we've always had an up and down thing. For months, we'd practically be cuddly lovers, but then we would hate each other, silent treatment and all. I fell in love years ago, and that caused some struggle. But this time, everything was going good. We were passionate and yet settled. There was an air of love. We both felt it. We both discussed it. He finally accepted that we were in some ways romantic, and we seemed to glow in each other's presence. But I guess he wasn't so comfortable with it. His birthday was coming up, and I wanted to give him something really special. So I asked him if I could draw a picture of him. He was really excited, and told me to draw him with total honesty, because my perception "was pure and genuine". So I drew him in the rawest form I could: naked. Not sleazy naked. Naked in the presence of God, a belief we have in common. It was the drawing I was most proud of (I had only recently taken up drawing again after realizing that I was indeed worthy). I truly thought he was gonna like. But he saw it, and sighed, and stayed silent. He gave me a hug, and then I left, wondering what the problem was. He ignored me at church the next day. The bombshell came on Monday, in physics. "The friendship isn't helping either of us anymore," he said, "it's not healthy, and I don't like being your boyfriend." I couldn't fight him. He was right. We were essentially boyfriends in rhetoric and behavior. And if he had a problem with it, then he had every right to end it. But the few times he voiced discontent, he did it seemingly jokingly, and we'd put it to rest with our usual cuddle. It's been a few months now. It's been hell on Earth. Had it been at a less opportune time, perhaps it wouldn't have been a big deal, but at the time I seriously needed him. I was going through serious identity issues, and everything was going to shit for me. I sit in the corner now, watching him in class. He's different, he smiles, he's more outgoing. It almost seems he has left my shadow. But in silence, he seems to be contemplating over some sort of pain, though its most likely emptiness I imagine. As for me, I have mostly detached myself. I lust after him, sure. He is fucking gorgeous in every respect, absolutely beautiful. I can't help myself want him. It was never about lust before, only his personality. I am concerned that this is unhealthy. Also, I wonder if I still want him emotionally. I usually don't think about it. But I catch myself staring at him and remembering the times when we were "together" so to speak. Ultimately, I blame everything on myself. But is it true? Is it my fault? What should I think? What should I do? if anything at all.
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I don't think it's something that you should blame yourself for. Other than perhaps letting it all go without adequate explanations. If the picture triggered him, the it would have been good to understand what it was about the picture that triggered the reaction. Perhaps he totally misunderstood your intentions. Perhaps he doesn't have the same appreciation for your art than you do. I don't know - but I would expect that this would be bothering you - not knowing exactly what the problem was. For him to just leave it at "it's not healthy" and for you to accept that seems to me that you've left some things left unsaid. This is pretty vague and cryptic. What about it isn't healthy? In what ways? At the same time, don't assume what he's currently thinking. Don't attribute his attitude as having 'left your shadow'. And at the same time don't assume he's contemplating over some sort of pain or emptyness. It does you no good and likely isn't accurate. If you want to know what he's thinking, you need to ask him. You indicate that you're out to everyone. Is he? Or is this a case of him realizing that he was too wrapped up in 'being gay', that scared him, and he has backed away? I gather you're in high school. So maybe I shouldn't have expectations that were too mature - but giving someone the silent treatment is just childish. You deserve better than that. And to me that suggests you deserve a better partner than that. Sure - he might be drop dead gorgeous but to be your boyfriend and then suddenly fall silent when you give him a picture, ignore you at church and then just break it off with minimal explanation - suggests to me that he's not really very mature or together. In the end, regardless, you need to move on. Are there other people you can hang out with at school? if not, you need to make an effort to break out of your shell, not let this situation drag you down, and make new friends. There's really no other route.
I hate to tell you this but it seems that he has moved on and so should you. Yeah you guys can still be there for each other but it has to be mutual from now on. Sorry man.
Wow that really sucks. I agree that he doesn't sound very mature at all. I mean, to start ignoring someone, than leave them hanging without even a reasonable explanation ... beauty is only skindeep. But if you really want to know exactly why he decided this was an unhealthy relationship (I would too), you need to ask him. It sounds to me like you're already the bigger person as it is. So go up to him & demand the respect you deserve. Other than that, you need to move on. It stings at first but it'll fade. Time really does heal all wounds no matter how bad they hurt at the beginning. You're definitely better off without him in the longrun. But still, you deserve the consideration of his reasoning. He kind of decided this on his own & just slammed the door in your face, which isn't fair. If you ask me, it sounds like he knows he's gay but he doesn't want to accept it. If that's the case, that's not your problem to deal with. He needs to work out his issues & leave you out of it. It's not right for you to suffer for it.
