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How do you know?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by rx79g, Feb 28, 2012.

  1. rx79g

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    So this is bugging me. I think I'm gay (operative word being "think") but I'm not really sure. I would really love to come out to my friends and be honest about my feelings, but I'm absolutely terrified that I'll come out as gay and then fall in love with a girl. I know my friends will take it well (they've probably already figured it out, lol) but it would be really awkward if I came out as gay and then suddenly wanted to ask a girl out. Rambling aside what I'm asking is, how can you be sure that you're really gay? Hooking up aside because that's not exactly a feasible option without being out and I don't want a physical thing without a relationship.
     
  2. Chimera

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    I'm in the same boat as you. I reeeaaally wanted to come out, but what if I did and then meet a guy? The weight of this knowledge was crushing me, but in the end I decided to come out in full honesty. Basically I told a few close friends, "I'm bisexual, and possibly gay. I'm still trying to figure it out, but you are my friend and I wanted to share this important information with you." Most of them were extremely supportive, and they even said, "Well it's about time!" Now I have a friend to talk about my feelings with, which has helped tremendously on this journey to self discovery. I still don't know for certain if I'm gay, and I would feel really embarrassed if all of this questioning was for naught, but in the end love is love :slight_smile: As for telling potential same-sex dates? I figured I'd just be honest, since only time and experience will tell. Hope that helps :slight_smile:
     
  3. TheAMan

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    You'll know that you're gay when you no longer feel an attraction towards women. Granted I'm bisexual but that's what I usually here from gay guys. If you still feel attracted to women then you're bisexual.
     
  4. Lexington

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    I decided to start coming out when the "gay phase" was lasting an awful long time. After I started thinking about guys, my sex drive ramped up something fierce. After six months at that level, I decided "Well, if this is a phase, it's a damn long one" and started coming out.

    Lex
     
  5. Owen

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    One of the problems with defining gay as "being attracted to the same sex" is that there are many ways to interpret the word "attraction" (liking their friendship, admiring them, being jealous of their bodies, legitimately lusting for them, etc.), and that creates confusion for quite a few people. I'm always fond of the motto "the proof is in the porn", or more generally, the answers can be found in which sex(es) you fantasize about when you masturbate. If only guys do it for you, you're probably gay. If guys and ladies do it for you, you're probably bi.

    I'm a gay man who has fallen in love with a woman before, so it is possible to identify as gay and fall in love with a woman. The key is, will you find her sexually attractive after falling in love with her? That's what our sexuality really determines. If the answer is "probably not", you can come out as gay without any worries.

    But even if you don't know the answer, you don't have to make a essentialist proclamation like "I'm gay," when you come out You could just come out by telling people, "I like guys," and neglect to mention your preference (or lack-thereof) for females. And if anyone asks if you're gay or bi and you don't have a definite answer you're comfortable saying, there's nothing wrong with shrugging and saying, "I dunno, but I definitely do like guys."
     
  6. waitingfordawn

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    The proof is in the porn. I like that. :lol:

    But yeah. Coming out is definitely easier if you say something like "I like guys" rather than "I'm gay" because saying "I'm gay" just seems so absolute. "I like guys" is a bit more ambiguous and leaves more wiggle room, since saying "You're gay" sort of fixes the perception of you identity to whoever you're coming out to, and if that should change, it might seem like you're a bit... flaky, I suppose? When I came out to my best friend, I couldn't even say, "I'm gay" because I wasn't sure, but I felt the need to tell him. So I just said "I like girls" since I didn't want to define my identity so solidly; when you're just coming out, you probably shouldn't fix your identity to this or that unless you're really sure. And I wasn't.
     
  7. rx79g

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    I like "the proof is in the porn", that made me laugh. But in regard to that what confuses me is that I can get turned on by women, and I've chosen to think about them before and it's still... shall we say effective. But I more regularly choose to think about men/ look at men. I feel like that leaves me in a bit of a grey area, maybe bi and leaning towards gay?
     
  8. Lexington

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    Perhaps. I guess you might say you're definitely "queer" or "non-straight", since guys don't do it for straight guys. :slight_smile: You might go ahead along that path - you ARE attracted to guys, and you seem to be attracted to some women, too, so right now, you're thinking you're bi.

    Lex
     
  9. colorful

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    Well you can still come out to your friends as questioning or just tell them you aren't really sure if it would make you feel better. Honestly that's what I just did today with my brother. Now I feel like ten times better because I have someone to talk to in real life about it.
     
  10. missyjustice

    missyjustice Guest

    Don't come out as gay. If you want to let your friends know just say that you are attracted to guys. You know you can be attracted to both? I think we should all try and define our sexuality by what we do like as opposed to what we don't like.
     
  11. Christiaan

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    I believed I was bisexual until I ended up in a relationship with my first love. While I was with my first love, I was pretty sure that my sexual orientation was very specifically for, "my first love," which was the only thing that really did anything for me during that time period. Unlike most people, I don't just take naturally to monogamy, but I appear to be quite ignominiously and unceremoniously, without the slightest regard for my opinion, stuck with it, entirely by genetically ingrained instinct that doesn't really give a poop about my liberal ideas.

    Now, if you ever get any notion of what my sexual orientation is, please let me know. I honestly haven't the foggiest idea. The only sexual feelings I have ever had toward human beings have been toward the people I have been attached to. This is how it has always been, and this is how it remains. My "sexual orientation" therefore remains a mystery, I think. I'm actually happy enough with it like that.

    Therefore, I do not know for sure what to advise, but I would start out by telling your friends, if I were feeling adventurous, "I don't know for sure what I am, but I am pretty sure that I am not particularly committed to the opposite sex," and see how it goes from there.

    However, please understand: I don't know your situation, and I don't know your friends. Some people, even among the tolerant "egalitarian" thinkers, have trouble coping with complex ideas, and human sexuality is very complex. If you know your friends to be relatively sophisticated, they probably already know, and coming out is just a formality. If they are kind of ignorant, I would consider preparing yourself for simple minds that require simple ideas to guide them.

    Make sense?
     
    #11 Christiaan, Feb 29, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2012
  12. butterfly878

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    Have you considered the term, demi-sexual? I'm kinda the same way too...