I realize the regular users of this site must hear about these similar situations everyday and I'm sorry if this is a regular topic cropping up, I just wanted some personal insight! I'm currently 19. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I'm gay (summer 2011) and I desperately want to come out because it get's pretty lonely in the closet! I planned to come out to my classmates when I started university (I'm british!) last september after summer, but I didn't have the nerve. I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which I am sure is directly related to the fact that I want to come out, and so I was perscribed cognitive behavioural therapy. I attended with the mindset that I was going to tell the cbt adviser about my sexuality, but I never worked up the courage and it didn't really help, and I've finished the sessions now. All in all I'm a lot better anxiety-wise, but whenever I feel like I want to come out I just can't bring up the words, I panic so much I feel like I could pass out. My problem is the majority of people think I'm straight, some of my male friends talk about me pulling girls in nightclubs but they assume I just don't have the nerve. In the first week of university, me and another girl in my class were on our way home a little tipsy after a night out, and she asked me did I have a girlfriend and I said "no I'm gay" and she was shocked and said "oh you don't seem the type" and that was it, and I cried that night and all week I worried if she'd tell anyone and I've tried to avoid her as much as possible since. Another girl in my class (who has a boyfriend) was dancing with me in a club and was asking did I like anyone, and then she asked me what my sexuality was and I got tongue-tied and couldn't say, and I told her I was gay and she said "oh! your secrets safe with me", but she is a prolific gossip and I wouldn't be surprised if half the world knew now. But since then, she's been on other nights out with me, and said things like "if I didn't have a boyfriend right now I'd pull you" so I'm not sure whether she's forgot. Other people, such as my brother, constantly makes jokes about me being gay, however he is good friends with a gay male so I get mixed messages. Sometimes when he teases me I get flustered, and my sister notices and says things like "omg are you gay??? if you were gay we'd all still love you!" but she laughs and is so dramatic about it I don't get that impression. My parents are extremely loving, they've always been there for me, and my mum sometimes makes jokes about how I don't want a girlfriend because they are "hard work". I feel like I am in a good situation to come out compared to some more unlucky individuals, but I really can't do it, which makes me feel like such a coward compared to other gays who have gone through hell for coming out. I don't really want to come out to a whole gaggle of people before my family, idealy I'd like to tell my family first but I know that may not be the best way since I'm not well rehearsed at telling people. There is a lesbian in my class who I've considered telling, but we are only acquaintances, we only really know each other because we're in the same class. Alternatively, I could tell one of my close friends in my class? I really don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice on where I can start? Any useful tips that might help? It feels like such a burdon at the moment!
Well first off, you're already a cool person since you're British! Haha anyways: If you did tell that one lesbian in your class, she might be able to give you tips on how she came out. Plus it's always good to talk to someone who understands. It's great you don't have as much anxiety now. I get exactly what you mean by the words not coming out of your mouth. The same thing has happened to me. You just have to force yourself to say it (to someone you trust), you'll feel so much better and relieved afterward. I'm sure those girls aren't going to say anything to anyone if they don't even mention it, and if they didn't by now. With your siblings, I'd probably tell your sister first. Girls seem to be more understanding for the most part (no offense to guys) and she'd probably take it more seriously. Maybe she could help you tell your brother.
Talking with the classmate is a great idea. I found it really helpful just to talk to someone I knew was gay privately and say, hey me too. I hate to say it but if your in a small town and some friends know, then your siblings started teasing you, I would venture a guess that they have heard already. But maybe not. My brother confronted me about it, in a very positive way one year. He likely learned from piecing together stories he had heard from friends and mutual acquaintances, and little hints I had been dropping in his way. I almost cried tears of joy when he brought it up and was accepting. It was a major relief. The anxiety goes hand in hand with both self-acceptance, and coming out to others. Psychologists talk about there being two closets, the one in your mind, and the social one. They also talk about the importance of being strong in your self acceptance before expecting anyone else to accept you. Come out when you feel comfortable. There is really no rush.
This is kind of like how i came out, i was really drunk and told a few friends. Over the next couple of weeks it slowly VERY SLOWLY came out, and still after quite a few months I have a small amount of close friends that know. Lots of people have heard rumours but if they ask i tell them its not their business, which shuts them up. This has worked out very well for me as I now have supportive friends when i come out to my parents, I have no fears of telling my family but i just dont know how to say it. I think your friends will respect your wishes with keeping it secret and youd be surprised how little people care if someones gay. I believe if your scared about coming out its just not your time yet, I think you should wait for wither the right time or when you feel you can talk about it confidently
I would suggest you tell people you feel close to first and who you think will accept you no matter what. For me it's been easier to come out to people of the opposite sex cos I know that they at least understand what it is to be attracted to women!:icon_wink I've only told one female friend (my best friend) so far via email but it was fine. So may be you'll find it easier to tell girls too like you have already? If you find it hard to say the words out aloud face-to-face, you could also do it via sms, email or letter or over the phone, whatever feels most comfortable. As for your family, I would leave them for later, after you've told friends and have gained confidence in telling people. Just remember that YOU decide when you want to come out. Don't ever feel like you have to. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!
Hi and welcome to ec. We all understand what your going through at the moment,most of us have been their at some point.You have accomplished what is often said to be the hardest part,that is coming out to yourself and also managed to come out to someone else aswell so congatulations for that.Each time you come out you gain more confidence,which seems to make it easier each time,so yes it does get better. As far as who to come out to next,well that really has to be your choice.I would normaly agree that it is nice to have a few good "coming out" expieriences under your belt before coming out to your parents.That being said,your post seems to imply that you would rather your parents know before the cat gets out of the bag and it gets back to them from someone else,if this is the case i totally understand and would think that something is playing on your mind,nigeling away at you to get it over with,because you know that once your parents know it wont really matter who finds out. If you feel that you are ready to tell your parents,i would say go ahead and do it,it really is worth it.As you may have worked out already,you have to lie about so much of your life,not only being gay but where your going,who you like,if you have a girlfriend,etc etc the list goes on and on.Over time this causes you to become distant with anyone close to you.Once your out you can be honest about yourself and this is so much easier on so many levels. My advice as always,when telling them(or anyone else)is to be confident and mostly if you dont make a big issue out of it,they wont either.However they react,stay calm and confident and dont allow it to become a shouting match.Be prepared for some awkward questions etc,also remember that they may need a bit of time to come to terms with it all.Obviously, you know your family and must have an idea of thier thoughts on the subject,this will help in the way you decide to tell them. Hope you stick around here and let us know how things go. Good luck.
I'm basically in the same position as you, but I'm still doing my last year of A-levels. I told my mum 2 days ago, and she was fine with it. I had the same problem as you, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, so when I was siting next to her, watching TV I texted her. I think you should tell your sister first, then she could support you to tell the rest of your family, and then friends.
thanks for your responses, I think it's actually rather therapeutic to write it all down and get it out there, even if it is anonymous. I'm taking baby steps atm, and I think I've decided who I'm going to tell first, or at least narrowed it down - I have a very close friend in mind or the lesbian in my class. thanks guys, no doubt I'll be posting frantic/worried posts everytime I come out to someone (hopefully in the next few weeks, it's killing me), I truly appreciate people even reading this, makes me think I'm not alone.
