I've recently come out to my best friend and his parents. They were very accepting but then my best friend's dad called me over and started giving me the 5th degree about what I want in life. As I've stated on this forum, I'm still very confused - I know that men turn me on but I find myself romantically attracted to women. Here's an email I just wrote him explaining my feelings after the conversation. Sorry it's long, what I'd like from the forum is - am I making sense? Has anyone else felt as paranoid over words as I am here: xxx, I think we should get together and talk again soon, perhaps tonight - my house or yours. I'm terribly sorry, but our conversation last night left me far worse off than before. I'm sorry if I'm seeming to be impossible, but there were a number of things said that are making me feel paranoid and insecure. I know perhaps I shouldn't be, but, I put a lot on the line - my whole identity - to the people I love the most. Hopefully, you understand. My deepest fear is one I walked into 'coming out' with - I knew I faced the possibility of ruining relationships, but I wanted to put the truth out there. I know your words, and yyy's, were that you don't have a problem with it, you still love me, and respect me. But, when you start talking about changing dynamics and such all I can feel inside is despair that one of the most powerful bonds I've built is tarnished. When yyy said to me "it does change our relationship" my heart sank. He immediately said "but, I think for the better" and I immediately felt fine. I walked away from the conversation I had with him feeling as if I'm 100% as accepted and as close as before...after what you and I talked about, I don't feel that 100% from either of you and that is really hurting me. Here's what I'm really after - I know I've got to wear my big boy pants - I chose to come out, again, because I just wanted my closest friends to know what I struggle with. I have no hidden agenda, no fire to put out, I'm not setting you and yyy up for a next step of dating men or anything else. I only wanted to restore my character, in my own mind, and be transparant. What I'd like from you and yyy is utter, sincere, honest, no shit feedback on the nature of our relationship now. I walked into this as top-tier, 100% in the inner circle, [special shared symbol with father and son] tattooed, and "above everyone else". If I'm no longer there, even slightly, please, please, mercy shot me - and tell me so I can grieve and then start healing. If that's what you mean by the dynamics of our relationship have changed, then please say so - I can't change it, but I can at least put my mind to rest and stop wondering how damaged, if at all, my relationship is with you. You owe me nothing, but I feel I do deserve that from you. There's nothing worse, to me, than not knowing where I stand with people. Prior to us talking, I honestly thought that after telling you and yyy that I stood in the exact same place. I'm sorry, xxx, I don't ask for help often and you're 100% correct, I usually keep my feelings to myself, but our conversation has me deeply frightened that I may not be as close to the few people in my life I love the most. I'm asking for your patience and that when you say things like "the dynamics of our relationship have changed" that I can interpret that as bad or good - I just want to know how to take that because it really, really, made me think that, even though I felt the truth needed to be out there, that I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Finally, I've put the truth out there. Acknowledge it or not, but I had to show some pretty big balls to finally reveal some of the pain and confusion I'm feeling inside. You kind of implied that I'm holding things back - that really hurt me. I've little more than hugged another human being and gotten the occasioinal, non-sexual, backrub for the past 16 years. I dated one girl down in [a town in Missouri], she wrote for the newspaper. Her name was zzz - we kissed twice. That was it. I told you I don't know what I want. That's the truth, but after thinking more about it, here's what I do want: Whatever makes me happy AND doesn't damage the relationship I have with you, your wife, yyy, and your families. That's how important you are to me. I've put the truth out there. To me, the dynamics haven't changed. The jokes are still just as funny, the shit giving is just as funny, I'm just as loyal, sincere, and protective as before - the only thing that's different is now you know that I'm sexually confused and trying to deal with it instead of being passive like I have been all my life. All I'm asking from you and yyy and your families is reassurance, and I may need quite a bit of it. That, or to be bluntly told where I do stand in absolute plain terms so I can begin getting over it that much faster. Again, you owe me nothing, but, I want you to understand just how deeply shaken I feel from our talk last night. I started writing this without intending to copy yyy, but, I've decided to do so - I just want to clear the air as quickly as possible, I'm feeling less than good today. Love C
Not sure how much help I am going to be - since I don't know the whole story but here are my two cents: 1. Is it possible when they started the 5th degree line of questioning - they were trying to understand where you are coming from and when you are trying to get to? I think it's very hard for people how have very clearly defined sexually to understand those of us that struggle. 2. I think what you written makes sense - as I understand it what are really trying to get at is a further explainsit on of the phrase "our relationship has changed" - right? Now you didn't ask for this but this letter ( just to me ) makes it seem like you are trying for their approval of your life. For example " setting them up for your dating a man" "the two kisses with a woman". I have a problem with this and here's why. These people either are your friends or they aren't who you kiss, sleep with, go to dinner with is none of there business. If you straight friend was dating a woman you just didn't like would it matter to you? No he is still your friend - you might dislike her but out of your love for him, you would keep it to yourself. There is a tone to the letter at least to me that seems to be begging for their acceptance/ approval - and I think you deserve ( and have earned from your earlier posts that I have read) better. Hope this helps.
Thanks. We've had a very open friendship and have been family for nearly as long as I've been celibate. Again, I chose to finally come out because I felt I couldn't accept myself any longer unless I knew I was accepted. It's easy for people to say they still love you, but, slowly drift away and weaken the bonds of friendship until the relationship is insignificant. I fear that.
Please keep us posted as how this works out. I think my next step is coming out to my best friend. I consider his mom my second mom since I spent so much of my high school and college days sleeping on their couch. The one thing that's keeping me back is his father - a man I respect, but he's also a preacher. I don't know his views on homosexuality so I don't know how he or the rest of his family will react. Your letter mentions the word 'truth' a number of times. Have you prepared yourself to receive the 'truth' as others in your circle of friends and family see it? Just looking at my own relatives, it's very easy to hear them say, "I love you," yet there still remains an invisible barrier that that keeps a separation between you and them because of a difference in opinion or perceived slight.
My best friend's dad (pretty much my dad for all intent and purposes) texted and said we should talk this evening. "Let's get together this evening. Trust me, when it's all over with we'll be closer than ever before. Love you" I'm going to go through some emotional ups and downs. Again, I don't know what I want from life. I know I've gotten great insight from this board but it also adds to my confusion. Today I've been far more interested in women than men. The hardest thing for me is explaining my orientation doesn't fit into a nice little category (like so many others here). What I think I need to focus on is this: Am I sexually disinterested in women or sexually unattracted to women. Perhaps flawed logic (queue Chip) but pretending I was 100% straight, I'd be wondering if I was asexual or scared of sex. Put strong homosexual tendencies in place and now I wonder am I gay (because it's easier to get off on what I'm familar with) or am I bi (because I've mentally avoided women out of fear for all these years).
JRNagoya - My friend's dad and I talked again last night. It was a misunderstanding on my behalf. He and I were drinking the night before - we weren't drunk but we weren't quite at our best when it comes to communicating for meaning. Basically, it boils down to this: I'm 100% as much, if not more, loved, cherished, and desireable to be around. We talked for quite a bit, there is a lot to consider - any resonable person would have to do so. What he meant by 'dynamics changing' is truth. If I were to get a boyfriend, that does change dynamics - not bad, not good, but it's different. No different than when his son (my best friend) got married and had kids, dynamics changed. That's all he was getting at. All he wants is my happiness. I left the conversation stating that I'm operating under the assumption that we're at 100% until I'm told otherwise. He agreed.
Glad to hear that. We're always so wired to fear the worst, especially when we're revealing the most intimate of our secrets - our sexuality. Any time we have an initial reaction like that of your friend's father, we go into hyper-worry mode and obsessively replay the moment over and over in our head wondering just how much damage control we need to do. So relieved it worked out this way. I'm happy for you.
