Hey guys, So first a little background on me. I'm 18, I'm a freshmen in college, I'm a computer science major at one the top 10 schools in the country. I grew up in a very conservative homophobic small town. My father is an alcoholic and was pretty abusive, my mom basically worries about herself and that's it and I'm an only child. So over Christmas break I finally tried to come out to my mom and at first I though she was okay with it, but within five minutes she was trying to shove me back in the closet. She then asked why I was trying to hurt her by saying I'm gay and asked if I was trying to make her crazy. The thing I hate most about my mother is that she makes everything about her. She said that I didn't know how hard it would be for her to have a gay son. It took every ounce of my will power not to shout "And you think this is a walk in the park for me, I've hated myself over this for years." She told me that I can't be gay, I don't fit the stereotypes, I found that kinda funny since I've been highlighting my hair for years. I basically just let her rant and rave and shove me back in the closet since I didn't want to fight. Afterwards I heard her telling one of her friends that I thought I was gay and that I was crazy, I've bones broken by father and her saying that was the most betrayed and hurt I have ever felt in my life. I knew when I told her that I wouldn't get cut off, since I know enough of her dirty laundry to make her life hell, I wouldn't tell people, but she worries that I would. I will never tell my father, since I'd probably get shot. Since I came back to college I told my family I had a girlfriend, just to try and rebuild the bridge I burned with my mom. I am not out to any of my friends, I'm too scared of rejection. I've had self-esteem problems most of my life and I'm incredibly shy, so I just put a happy face to the world and keep all the pain inside. In high school I definitely was a loner and didn't have a lot friends, I was worried about people finding out I'm gay and getting bullied even more. Towards the end of high school I just put on a confident, stuck-up mask, since it was the opposite of who I was I thought it might make me happy since I hated myself. When I got to college I tried to take my mask off, but completely failed and retreated into my mask more than ever. The stress of my mom not accepting me and knowing my dad won't and hating myself for being gay and still being a loner and not having a lot of friends is beginning to drive my crazy and interfere with school. I can't concentrate in class and I missed my math midterm since I got the date wrong and I basically feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm always tried and too stupid to be at this school and that I can't keep up. I've contemplated suicide more times than I can count and even had the gun loaded before. I always back out since I know that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I can't get the thoughts out of my head though. Many days I just want to sleep forever. I've though about cutting ties completely from my parents to just avoid the stress and the pain but I can't bring myself to do it. I would be okay financially, I have a sizable inheritance from my grandma, but I feel like it would be something I regret later. Thanks for reading this, I just needed to let it out before I go completely crazy.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! Congratulations for coming out to your mom - even if it didn't go well. That took guts and you should be proud of yourself! So coming out to your parents maybe isn't the right thing to do now. But cutting them off may not be the best either. Especially if you don't really have to. What's important is to work on how YOU think about you. Because THAT is what is going to influence how other people around you think and feel about you. It's also going to get you farther away from those feelings of uselessness and hopelessness that cause you to contemplate ending your life. Because from what I can tell reading your post, you've got A LOT to look forward to. In fact - here's something I've learned recently. As a computer science major, were you aware that IBM has one of the most forward and progressive attitudes towards the LGBT community as any major multinational? They have an incredibly large internal employee resource group (in Canada at least it's call "Blue Q") and they actively market to LGBT companies, recognizing the importance of that business segment. All that to say that you're future potential is not AT ALL limited by the fact that you're gay. NOT AT ALL! You're attending one of the best schools in the US and you're studying in a field that continues to thrive. You've got money behind you - which always helps. But you've got some baggage too. You've come from a disfunctional home for sure - and that's going to affect your ability to cope. Have you looked into counselling at the university? I would STRONGLY recommend it. Counselling saved my life. (I too had contemplated ending it all...) Talking to someone about all this in person would be VERY helpful. And the other thing to do - start to take the mask off. Look for an LGBT group on campus - and go to one of their meetings or events. You might shake like a leaf going in, but you'll be happier than you could ever imagine for having gone. Alternatively, there may be PFLAG meetings in the city you're living in. Go to one of those instead. Or as well. And just hang out here. We're an awesome bunch - and most of us are gay. And if we can be gay and awesome - you can be gay and awesome too!
