Basically my dad and I don't have the best relationship anymore. Actually we don't really have one at all. He'll call me maybe once a month, maybe, but it's generally me calling him. When I ask him to spend time with me he usually has some excuse for why he can't and I always feel like I don't matter to him. Things have been like this for years between him and I and it really kills me. When I was a baby he was the one that took care of me and when my parents got divorced when I was 2 I was with my dad every weekend and he called me every day and spent time with me. Once I was about 13 or 14 he changed and I became less important to him and at this point I don't think I matter much at all to him. I used to just avoid thinking about it and talking about it to him but I've decided I want to talk to him about this. I just don't know how to go about it exactly. I decided to text him a few minutes ago with the intention of asking him to come by tomorrow so we could talk but he's apparently out of state until Friday for work. When I do finally get him to sit down and talk to me what do I say to him? How do I make him understand how much he's hurting me and that I want a relationship with him like the way things used to be? I just want to fix this. This is the one thing that can bring me to tears and I'm not someone who cries.
Hi there. I'm sorry to hear this about your dad. As a divorced dad it touched a nerve with me I think. I do still see my kids every other weekend, and every other Thursday in the weeks when I don't have them that weekend. But I don't see them in betwee, and I don't usually call - partly because I know my ex wife's husband doesn't really like me being so close to my ex. But enough about me... What I learned in counselling was that when you want to talk to someone about something like this - don't make it about them and what they're doing wrong but instead make it about you and how you're feeling. Saying "Dad, you should call me more." will put your dad on the defensive - anyone would react that way. Instead, say "When I don't hear from you for weeks at a time, I feel really sad, because I wonder whether you love me any more." What can he do but assure you that he still loves you? And you've made it clear why you were left with that impression - because he never calls. So hopefully that will start a conversation about how you'd like to see your relationship change. Maybe he has some reasons in his own mind as to why he doesn't call. Maybe he's travelling more and isn't always available to call when you'd be available. Maybe he's trying to be sensitive to your mom and allow some distance. Maybe he just feels like he can't relate to you any longer and doesn't feel like you need him in your life any longer. So it's important to not make assumptions as to why he's doing what he's doing, but to let him know how what he's doing is making you feel. Hope that helps. And thanks for reminding me to call my daughters more often.
