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Saying Certain Words

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by waitingfordawn, Feb 29, 2012.

  1. waitingfordawn

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    Over the past few months, I've come out to a lot of people, but there's only one person who I actually sat down and come out to. For the rest, it's either me casually and strongly dropping hints in conversation, talking about my queer identity on Tumblr (but not Facebook), and involving myself in my school's LGBT*Q events (sometimes). That said, while I've made a lot of effort to sort of synthesize my sexuality with the rest of my identity, I still have a hard time saying it outright. The first person I came out to, my best friend, I said: "I like girls." Not "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" or "I'm queer," though we talk about it enough now that it's clear where I stand. To the second person I actually said something outright to, I said, "I would identify as queer." Those are the only people I told outright. I still have trouble saying, "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" or even "I'm queer" to, even though the latter is the one I'm most partial to.

    It's because I'm still integrating that part of me into my identity, I guess. My perception of myself has changed with accepting this part of myself, with accepting my sexuality, and it's affected my gender. I think part of the reason it took me SO long to accept my sexuality was my gender identity--that it isn't normal for girls to like other girls. But reclaiming my femininity--and particularly the femme identity--has done a lot towards my self-acceptance. I identify as femme. I can say that word, at least, but the other three I still have a hard time saying (and I use them interchangeably in writing--expressing myself in writing is much easier. My thoughts always make more sense to me when they're filtered through my fingers than through my mouth. Speaking my mind is never easy.)

    I think saying those words is a bridge I still need to cross in self-acceptance and integration of sexuality into my identity. I've heard that repetition works--getting up in the morning, looking in a mirror, repeating to yourself, "I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay" until you can look yourself in the face without turning away. Self-acceptance through repetition. Saying it until you're comfortable with the way the words sound once they've come out of your mouth and are left to suspend in the air, a manifestation of your thoughts, a way to communicate to others what you're thinking in ways writing never could. Saying it aloud, even to myself, is hard enough, but maybe making it a force of habit will make it easier to say over time. I don't know. I'm just wondering, how did you become comfortable with saying words like "gay" or "queer" or what-have-you?
     
    #1 waitingfordawn, Feb 29, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2012
  2. Ben

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    I was always a bit uncomfortable with saying "I'm gay". Probably because it's really a word growing up that might be used as an insult, or something to avoid. I'm sure many others feel the same.

    Avoidance is only going to strengthen your feelings. I think the only way to get around it is to make yourself say "I'm gay" or "I'm a lesbian" or whatever, even when you feel uncomfortable. You'll soon get used to it!
     
  3. Jim1454

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    I honestly don't say "I'm gay" all that often, but what's more important is that I do feel comfortable talking about "my husband" rather than "my partner" or not mentioning him at all. So if you're able to do that in conversation, then good for you! I wouldn't worry about who you've told or how you've told them - as long as you're working on living an honest and authentic life.

    Way to go!
     
  4. TheAMan

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    Trust me I know it's hard saying the words I'm gay or I'm bi. It really does take awhile for some people to get used to saying it. It took me 7 years to say it. But hey no worries. Your time will come.
     
  5. Lewnatic

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    I think it's because the word is primarily meant as an insult. "You're gay", "that's gay." Such use of the word never ends up being related to sexuality, and I will openly admit to using the word "gay" as an offense without even thinking about its relation to sexuality. For example, if I'm waiting for my favourite TV show to come on and realise it's been replaced by football or something, I'll say "argh, that's so gay!"
    It's just a habit society has unfortunately given people. Basically, saying "I'm gay" can feel like saying "I'm ugly" or "I'm a loser". You wouldn't say that about yourself (or you shouldn't), and you would normally find it difficult to because it brings you down. By saying "I'm gay", in a sense you feel like you're bringing yourself down. You just have to learn to associate the word as something good, but it's a lot easier said than done. I'm definitely not comfortable saying it yet, but in my case that's because it makes it "official."
     
  6. Nemo39122

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    I totally understand! I have so much trouble with this too. It's hard to type it, but it's impossible most of the time to actually say it...even when I'm completely alone. The weird thing for me is, its easier to type/say "bi" than it is to type/say "bisexual." The reason I was able to type it just now is because I didn't include "I'm" before saying it.

    I wish I had some advice but I don't know what causes me to have this issue either...I hope it gets easier for you. :slight_smile:
     
  7. secretguyX

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    I had the same problem. I got over it by when I was by myself, I would say it over and over to get used to the words. I still am not completely, but it's really helped me process it and be able to say it to others.
     
  8. waitingfordawn

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    This is SO true now that I think about it. It's not the words that intimidate me; the letters, strung together arbitrarily, don't intimidate me. It's when the words take on different meanings, connotations, that they scare me... huh. I haven't thought much about that 'til now.