Hi everyone. I am gay.... this will be the first time that someone else, besides me knows that. I have been hiding this secret for as long as I can remember. I have been able to manage it on my own until now. I have been experiencing bad anxiety and depression recently and it is at the worst timing. I am in my final undergraduate semester at the University of Central Florida and about to apply to medical school. I cant imagine that medical school and depression/anxiety mix well. Is all this depression/anxiety a byproduct of my secret? I don't know what to do! I feel that if I do not fix myself before medical school, I will be unable to handle it. I am just so scared to come out. I was very popular in high school and even won "life of the party" superlative, but no one actually knew me... they knew my front. I know all of my hometown friends (who I still see every time I visit home) would be in shocked to hear rumors that I am gay...the thought of this happening terrifies me. I just want to be happy but know know how to get it. Please help me. Sorry if there are grammatical errors or it doesn't make sense I am reluctant to proofread for I may back out and not post so here it goes!
In my opinion and experience: Self-acceptance and coming out go hand-in-hand with happiness, increased confidence, and energy. Self-hatred and being closeted are related to depression, anxiety, and low-self estimation. Negative experiences of coming out to others can and do happen, and may harm self-acceptance and well-being (read: don't run around indiscriminately coming out to everyone thinking it will set you free, at least until you are very confident in yourself). Fixing yourself, as you put it, may take an entire lifetime. That is to say, it's not something that just happens, it is a process by which you work toward a goal of well-being. Ideally, you will feel better about yourself over time, with few or no set backs.
I agree with cyanist. I would also suggest possibly seeing a therapist for a session or two and they could help you with your depression, anxiety, coming out or any combination thereof. Plus, there is a chance that your depression and anxiety are unrelated in part to your being closeted. It might even be something you don't give much thought to. That was what I found when I went to therapy for my depression.
A couple things: 1) I also agree with cyanyst, but to strike a more positive note, even if coming out and accepting yourself are lifelong processes, there ARE things you can do in the here and now that will make a difference. I would definitely recommend seeing a counselor - your university may very well have some available for cheap or even for free, and even a few sessions may help give you some coping mechanisms to deal with anxiety and/or get you on the path to coming out. You're certainly right that getting this under control will help you a lot in medical school - but, you might also thing of med school as a new place, with new people, where you can come out a little easier, since you'll be less invested (at least at first) in what these new people will think of you. 2) Although I realize it's easy to do, try not to assume too much about how people will react to you. The one thing I've learned in 11 years of coming out to people is that it's next to impossible to predict their reactions. For that matter, you never know who will just be cool with it on a personal level, or who happens to have a gay cousin, or even sibling, or something like that. Finally, welcome to the site! Glad you signed up, and I hope you stick around for a bit.
First off, welcome to EC. Being somewhat new to the forum myself and still trying to find my way, I can say you've come to the right place to seek anonymous refuge and legitimate, heartfelt advice. Like the others say above - first off is self acceptance. Don't feel as compelled to label yourself as discovering yourself. This is a safe place to speak your thoughts, ask questions, rebuff, and ponder. One thing I learned, so far, is that people are far more accepting than I ever gave them credit for. of the 6 people I've told so far about myself, 3 think more of me, 1 said he had questioned himself at one time, and 2 treat me exactly the same as they have before. I've had to go through some trouble explaining what I am vs what I'm not - that's to be expected though, especially at my age where some of my friendships have been in place for 20 years. That's not to say that you'll never have a bad experience with coming out. That would just be feeding you a line. The important thing is use descretion at first. It'll likely be baby steps - from the stories I've read here, including my own, it was for many of us. This isn't meant to sound scary, but, when you do choose to come out, remember, you're going to lose some control - I have been very selective over who I've told so far, but, the day I told my first person, I had to be prepared, mentally, for people to know second hand. So far, my wonderful friends haven't gossiped, but, I am ready to answer any questions from any person - including my mother - if necessary. Hope all goes well.
Hi mwsfl89. I am a mature older gay man and came out later in life. I really didn't know what it was to be gay until I discovered the chat rooms on aol and it was with the help of a straight woman friend. I was married with two kids and remained in the closet until I felt I was ready to come out. Like you I was so afraid of what others would say and how they would react. My parents did not take it well but eventually came around. Everyone else in my life was very accepting and understanding and for the most part told me that my parents would come around. After a couple of years they did and are very avcrpying of my gay life. I gave had a few boyfriends but am with my partner whom I plan to marry some day. But the moral of my story is that no matter how people react, you will move on and be stronger because living a lie to yourself and hiding is horrific compared to coming out and being ostracized. You will know when you are ready but definitely surround yourself with positive people and attend lgbt groups and events in uiyr community. You need a sense of belonging prior to coming out. Please keep in touch and good luck. You are young and have lots to discover.
