I am trying to help a young friend, and am after some pointers for the best things to do and say to help him. Although I have known him as someone to have a pint with for a while, we have only become closer friends recently. He is 20 years old and gay. His closest friend and (to some extent) partner died at the end of last year, of liver failure, aged 50. He is really struggling to deal with this and move on. He doesn't talk about feelings and bottles things up. He also lives on his own outside the town, so tends to dwell on negative thoughts on his own for hours. Last week he reached a real low and took an overdose of painkillers (codeine). He was taken to hospital, where I went to visit him the following day. Although still feeling very rough they felt he was improving enough to be discharged. He didn't want to go back home and really needed to be with someone for a night or two so I bought him to stay with me (in the spare room) for a few days. He has been referred for bereavement counselling through the community mental health department which will hopefully help, though his first proper appointment is still 3 weeks away. He stayed with me for three days and went home for the weekend. He came back here after a local quiz night on Tuesday and is still here. From what he has said I think the weekend back at his home was difficult, he found it lonely and felt he was slipping again. He prefers being here because he has company when he wants it, and I think just having someone to look after him. He has only lived at his current address for two months so I assume he lived with his late friend/partner until he died (though I haven't asked). It is only since the death of his friend/partner that we have become closer friends. He actually came and told me and another friend in a local cafe/bar the day it happened - obviously wanting someone to talk to. He seems to have a lot of online/texting friends but very few real life friends in the area. Yesterday evening for example he was happy to come with me to a gay social group of people around my own age-range (he was the youngest person to ever go there) rather than staying at my flat or seeing other friends. I am happy to give him the time, company and space he needs. The last thing we want is a repeat of last week, and I want to help him move on and start looking forward. Clearly it is going to take some time. He still spends some time sitting silently in his own thoughts, or listening to music by his late friend/partner's band on earphones. If I ask what he's thinking he says "nothing" but I know that's not true. The difficulty is what to say, what to ask etc. He probably does need to talk about things to help him move on, but I don't want to say or ask anything that could make things worse.
Hi Paul. You're such a good soul. It sounds to me like you're doing just fine. He has his space if he wants it and he has your company if he wants it. You invited him to join you with your own group and he took you up on that. I'd say keep doing what you're doing. I'd encourage him to have his own space too. Maybe a day or two back at his place in the country too if he thinks he can handle it. You don't want him becoming dependent on you for support or companionship. Leave the real counselling to the professional - which will start in another 3 weeks.
Thank you Jim. He has actually gone to see a friend in another town for the weekend, which is good. I have quite a busy weekend and although he would have been welcome to join me I'm pleased that he has made other plans. I don't know if he is coming back here or going home Sunday night, I said either is fine and to let me know nearer the time. From a chat earlier it sounds like he was living with his friend/partner and only moved out when he was admitted to hospital and not expected to survive. It also seems that was more of a close friend with benefits arrangement with stronger feelings one way than the other, but that obviously does not diminish the strong feelings he had for his friend or the pain he is feeling now. He moved away from his mum the day after his 18th birthday because he did not get on with her new partner. He moved to this area to be with a guy he had met online, and after they separated was with the late friend/partner. So he hasn't really lived on his own at all until recently, and that change was at the worst time and for the worst reason. Because of all this there is a risk of him becoming dependent on me - I'm well aware of that. I'm too independent now though, and like my own space too much to share with someone on anything other than a short term basis unless they were a partner (and I don't see that happening with him).
The concept that cannot be stressed for peer support is boundaries.* It is important both that you respect your friend's boundaries, and that you not let your concern for him cause you to violate your own boundaries. It is really for the friends of people who're in difficult situations to overexert themselves to console and help their friend. This can leave them drained of energy and sometimes pull them down into the same problems as their friend. As Jim says, leave counseling to the counselors. This is, of course, harder than it seems. Good friends often want to overexert themselves, especially for a friend in a very difficult situation. Guilt is a common emotion for friends and family of such a person, but it isn't a useful one. Be there for him, but stress that for real help he needs therapy, not you. *This is, in fact, probably the crucial point for all relationships.
