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My girlfriend has such low self respect and esteem! Advice on trying to help her?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Maialuna, Mar 2, 2012.

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  1. Maialuna

    Maialuna
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    She says such ridiculous things... She calls herself stupid and just insults herself incessantly and I always tell her she shouldn't do that and it's bad for her. An example of the craziest thing she's said: "You being the bringer of all good things, and myself being all the evil in the world."

    We were having a really long conversation and I asked her to promise to try and increase her self-respect and get to a place where she was at the very least more accepting of herself. I said I would try to help her as much as I possibly could. And then she promised... BECAUSE she could see how much pain I was in. She was concerned about hurting me! She's hurting herself so much more and she just doesn't see it.

    She never tells anyone when she's uncomfortable with something they're doing because she's worried about hurting other people's feelings. I have to be super careful because she doesn't tell me if she's uncomfortable, I always ask her if she's okay and she does say if she is, so at least she's not rejecting being uncomfortable. She places everyone above herself. It's so painful to watch and I have talked to her about all of these things multiple times.

    She's told me I'm the only person she feels that she can talk to, and she'll tell me when other people have made her uncomfortable. I had a rather awkward conversation with one of her friends who unknowingly made her extremely uncomfortable but I didn't actually tell her about the conversation. She told me that she feels safe and protected around me. She told me that she felt like she needed to be protected.

    Please, any advice on trying to help someone, not even specific to a romantic relationship, raise their self respect and esteem? I don't want her to be dependent on me, or on anyone. I want her to be a strong individual who can take care of herself, because as much as I really love her, we're teenagers. I'm not going to be naive enough to think this is going to last forever. I won't always be there to protect her, and even if I was, I would want her to be able to take care of herself anyways. I just... Feel so useless being unable to help her and... GAH. She needs help and I need help trying to help her.

    Thank you so much.
     
    #1 Maialuna, Mar 2, 2012
  2. Mogget

    Mogget
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    Your girlfriend has problems that you don't have the training or experience to be able to be of much help to her. If you try, you'll either end up dragged down into feeling the way she does, or you'll break up with her so you don't have to deal with her. What you can and should do is encourage her to get help. Your friend probably needs to work with a therapist to sort through all these problems.

    There are a few routes that your girlfriend could go here. She could see if her school offers counseling. It may, but high school and middle school counselors tend to deal with graduation and behavioral problems, not self-esteem. She could ask her parents to help her find a therapist. Therapy can be expensive, but many therapists charge on a sliding scale, there may also be funds in your community for child counseling. She could look for a group therapy class or a support group.

    However, one thing I want to stress is this: your girlfriend cannot simply try to respect herself more or snap out of it. Rebuilding self-esteem and -respect is a months-long to years-long process. She's going to be low for quite some time to come. And it's important that you not nag or guilt-trip her when she is low. You can try to help her correct her thoughts, but that's about it. Feel free to PM me, or ask here, if you have any more questions.
     
    #2 Mogget, Mar 2, 2012
  3. Maialuna

    Maialuna
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    Thank you, this is helpful. Don't worry, I know she can't just change like *snaps* that. I still have a hard time with my own self esteem, and I know how hard it is. I just hope that I'm not being annoying by commenting on the negative things she says, and I'll try not to bring it up so much. I want it to at least help her realize that her problem isn't that she is whatever she says about herself, it's just how she thinks about herself.

    I can try to bring up counseling, but her school would be the most likely option of where to get it. Her family has not the best situation at the moment and I doubt anything surrounding money is not going to be a likely option. Some things might work out, we could look around the area for group therapy classes and the like.

    Really thank you, I appreciate it. And I'm sorry it's been such a long time before I responded to this, I did read it earlier than now.
     
    #3 Maialuna, Mar 18, 2012
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