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Personality.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Cament, Mar 3, 2012.

  1. Cament

    Regular Member

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    Hi EC,

    I was a member a year or so back but was unable to recover my account after I abandoned it when I finally came out (gay guy) which was kind of selfish I know, but I find my self back here again a little shame-faced and in need of some emotional scaffolding.
    I feel a little back story is necessary considering the nature of this thread, the past year or more has been very difficult for me, I guess more difficult than I like to admit even to myself, especially as a person who tends to keep things hidden (I guess its a habit we all share lol). Coming out was by no means easy, but it was the easiest part to deal with, I consider my self very lucky to have had accepting parents and friends and such a smooth transition out of the closet and into the open, being gay is not the issue anymore for me :thumbsup:. So naturally after coming out comes finding a partner, I found my very first boyfriend at the age of 21 and was so happy nothing else mattered, not that I lost sight of anything important, I just want to portray how big of a deal this was for me, my first hug with a boy, kiss with a boy... you get the picture. Unfortunately my boyfriend didn’t share quite the same feelings being 26 and much more experienced, it wasn't long before I realised he was still talking to many other boys online, on the phone and at his place of work. I overlooked the first time, although it felt like a needle to my heart, the second time I could accurately described as a cardiac pin-cushion and I have no words to explain the way I felt on the third occasion, especially as it coincided with my father’s death. My father died of an overdose because he was in the closet to everyone but his wife (my mother) and me, but that’s a whole different story. On the day of his funeral I found messages on my boyfriend’s phone to someone who he works with asking to meet up and so on and so forth. He was my main pillar of support at this time since I was currently supporting my mother and so I kept it in, I forgave him again and focused on what was important, grieving for my father.

    At this point I should say I am currently still with my boyfriend and its been many months and my trust is slowly returning, he turned me into a crazy, clingy stalker for a long time but the phase is passing and I made a promise to myself, if he relapses then its over.

    Since then I have been my mothers only support and so haven’t had much help with my own problems and I guess that’s where you come in. I've kept a hell of a lot of emotions inside but there really was nowhere else to put them, in the space of a few months my entire support structure was knocked completely down and burned to boot. I'm not into self harming and I'm not really depressed, I don’t do drugs and I rarely drink but I still know it can't be healthy for me to keep things in.

    This leads to where I am currently, sharing my childhood bedroom with my partner in my mothers house. Getting to the main subject of this thread, I feel like the events since coming out have stunted my personality. I have always been shy and slightly socially awkward since a child, but I have made good progress in my self confidence. My trouble is I feel so boring and dull and lifeless, I have a sense of humour but I'm always laughing never telling the jokes, I don’t have any skills or interesting hobbies, I have no verbal rapport, no quirky accent nor am I born an interesting ethnicity, I have an average job, am average looking, the only thing I have going for me is that I’m gay but I’m not even camp. I know its narrow sighted to think like that, but I feel like I'm wholly very average, Id love to be a outgoing, fantabulous fashion god or a masculine gym going party starter or almost any other stereotype rather than who I am right now, and I know I should have the freedom to experiment with my own life, but how do I suddenly become another person, after all a personality is what defines you as a person and I am so dull, this whole thread is dull and I know it, but I cant seem to be any different. I look and listen to people around me and sometimes try emulate them, but then I find myself acting and I am suddenly back in the closet. I am a different person with different groups of people, my voice even changes pitch with certain groups, and its all subconscious I didn’t even realise it was happening until I took a good look at myself.

    I don’t expect anyone to give me the magic answer I know it lies with me to sort my own head, but any words of support, anecdotes or a friendly pat on the back is very welcome.

    Thanks for listening
     
  2. sanguine

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    i hope everything is ok now, i think you need to make some important decisions regarding the bf though, its not ok to sell yourself short to someone who doesnt appreciate you, there's nothing wrong with being single either you know? the grieving process is a hard one and i understand that you need someone there to help you through, but i think the problem becomes bigger when you have to worry and cling onto something that might be more harmful then beneficial. It seems obvious that he doesnt necessarily share the same views you do, and you are still young, i suggest maybe not renewing the contract the next time you catch him fooling around, and go on with your life as a new beginning of some sort, find new friends, meet new people, and who knows, maybe a good bf that appreciates you.
     
  3. Countervail

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    Find a room in your heart for all that (I don't know what to call it), then try to have a retreat, ex-communicate with your bf for a week, if he loves you then he will not make crazy things that could break your heart.

    Plus do not depend mostly onto other people, I have experienced it, they will only say "Time will pass and it will get better" - No, nothing gets better, it's easy for them to say that 'cause it didn't happen to them, they didn't feel what you felt.