I'm so mad at my supposed friend right now. I went over to her place to help her plan a bachelorette party for a friend, and there was a guy there I had never met. I'm out to her, and we've had a sort-of relationship, even though I think she's just "curious." She knows that I'm only out to a couple people, and that I'm struggling with it, and I would expect some jokes with me helping plan a bachelorette party featuring a bunch of penis themes, I can laugh at myself. But I don't know this guy, they're both drinking, and she starts rudely laughing and dramatically talking about me being a "LESBIAN!!" It was actually pretty offensive, and I can't believe she didn't even consider that I might be uncomfortable with this. It got weirder. She leaves the room, and I bend over to pick something up and the guy starts slapping my butt. I didn't know how to react, I was so shocked. I didn't say anything, just glared at him. She kept talking about how they used to sleep together, and she had alluded before to how she thought he was hot and she was thinking about getting with him but it was just a fantasy. They were clearly waiting until I left and I'm pretty sure they slept together. I am just all-around offended by the whole night. What do you say when someone slaps your butt like that?? How can she be so insensitive and rude? How can I still be friends with her? She just texted me and asked me to bring an appetizer to the party like nothing had happened.
I think it's time to have a stone-cold sober discussion with her in the bright light of day, let her know how you feel and see if she has any genuine remorse. If so, talk about how it needs to be in the future. If not, she may need to become an ex-friend. Of course as an older male, I may not be the best source of advice, but it was my first reaction - probably easier said than done. I'll be curious to see what others have to say.
I think that you should have seen the consequences coming; telling her your secret. Try to have a heart-to-heart talk with her.
It might be hard to take in but maybe thats not someone you should be friends with. There was clearly the fantasy intact before you started drinking, and its pretty obvious that getting sloshed would make that desire stronger. It sounds like your friend was really inconsiderate and wrong to you, and you are very entitled to be angry. Im sorry for you, and I have had friends like this also, even those whom I have know most of my life who I have let go of.
I have a feeling she's going to blame it all on drinking, but she didn't drink that much. It's hard because she's the one that I have playdates with my kids with every week (she's a nanny), and she's a really big part of my life. One of my TWO friends at this point. She just doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to tell people I'm gay, like it's a novelty. But once it's out... you can't take it back. I am not a novelty. 55, you're right, that would be the mature thing to do -- sit down and talk with her. And thanks, Ty. I'm afraid of losing the friendship. I don't know if I can take it right now, but is a lousy friend better than no friend? I've felt so depressed lately. I'm just not ready to be OUT like that, I'm not comfortable enough with it. I can't open myself up to the backlash. And now I am struck with how once you tell someone, that's it, it's out of the bag, and they can out you to whoever they want -- and there's nothing you can do about it. When you guys came out (or is this a fear for those that haven't), did you get this feeling of panic, like you wanted to take it back? I feel sick. And like people are going to think I'm perverted.
I would happen to fall under the warped idea that not having a friend is better then a friend that hurts me. Trust me I know exactly what you are going through, because I also am going to through the same thing. I never had many friends growing up, and like you had two really close ones. One of them not I no longer talk to because he smokes tons of dope and I want no part of that, and the other is more interested in boys and partying than me even texting me anymore. There were many times where she had hurt me well knowing the consequences because it helped her look better, and because she had no regard for how I felt. Your friend it sounds like is using you as a sort of bent status symbol to make herself look more cool for having a gay friend. You are not a novelty as you said, and deserve much better. I wish I could hug you, because you need one my friend.
This has happened to me, both in contemplating coming out, and after coming out. They are different feelings, but both are rather unpleasant. It's awful when someone uses it to pick on you, and they think that they are not hurting you. I know how this feels.
Yes I've had that feeling too!! It isn't always the cathartic experience you hoped. Sometimes I felt like I just want to crawl back into a cave. Other times I'm so happy about it I literally skip or bounce up and down. It varies from situation to situation.
