Coming out fast... but

Hi there all... I was very happy to find this forum. : ) Thanks to any that read!

So basically, the synopsis of me coming out is: for years it was not even a consideration that I might be gay. It wasn't that I thought being gay was wrong (tho I was pretty hardcore Christian up until five or six years ago... I am now Pagan), but it just never occured to me that that's what I was. First, I thought I was a slow developer (I have always been slow on the sexual uptake... on any subject), as I hung on to the boys-are-gross mindset a LOT longer than my peers. Then, I thought I was just "pure" or "being a good Christian," because after all, in Christianity, sex is bad (unless you are making babies... maybe). I even seriously considered entering the convent for two main reasons: one, I didn't want men to look at me, let alone touch me; two, I am not into the typical materialistic mainstream American society and wanted something more meaningful in my life. Then, I latched on to the idea that I was asexual (though I hated that term... I can't reproduce by myself... so I said "non-sexual"). As soon as I heard that term explained, I thought, that's me! After all, I had never crushed on a girl any more than I had crushed on a guy (read: never). So anywho... sometime during the nonsexual period I started questioning whether I was gay or not, and I kept rationalizing that I wasn't, I was just more *comfortable* around women because they weren't always hitting on me. At the time I had been forced to move back in with my parents for a while, due to loss of my job and then I went back to school for a year so that I might have more stable job prospects... and to make a long story short, my relationship with my parents is not very good. There is a history of alcoholism, drugs, theft, gambling, abuse, and enabling on their part; I rebelled (as any good teenager does) by being good. So whilst living with them, even as an adult, I was on "survival mode." Basically I'm surprised I didn't give myself an ulcer from the stress levels, but, financially, I didn't have a choice. So anywho... moved back out (thank the Gods!) about three months ago, and like a ton of bricks, my truth just smacks me upside the head in a matter of weeks. I went from "nonsexual" to "maybe gay" to "80% sure I'm gay" to "I'm gay!" in less than a month. Funnily enough, subconsciously, I think I knew way before I consciously knew (I was doing things like joining HRC, going to pride, etc. when I was still telling myself that I wasn't gay... like I said, slow on the uptake). I bought the book Outing Yourself before I had even told myself that I was gay. So... since then, I have been reading (a lot), and looking up local groups/hangouts (though I tried to go once (it didn't work out), I have yet to go to any of these places). I have also come out to: my best friend and her sister (whose reaction was "*snort* So?" and a change of topic... which struck me as kind of odd), my long time online friend who thought I was gay before I ever did, and a rather new friend who is really open about her sexuality and inspired me to be so as well.

All this in the three months since I've moved.

Anyway, as things are careening along, I want to be out to everyone. I feel like I have been in denial and putting my life on hold for so long, it's just coming out all at once... making up for lost time. And I don't want to be on hold any more. The issue is, of course, the family. My siblings I think might be shocked but okay. My relatives... well, many of them might not speak to me anymore, and frankly, I don't think I care (yes, they are all local, so I see them several times a year). The only one I really think it would be better never to tell is my 85 year old grandmother, who is very old-school Catholic (my other hardcore Catholic relatives, they can deal with it or not). The real problem is of course the parents. Given our tumultuous relationship, my mother's propensity to pretend like things have never happened rather than deal with them, my utter hatred of my father (though I can be quite convincingly civil), and our general lack of talking about things (*anything*) of substance, I'm not sure what to do. I am damn tired of not being who I am, but at the same time... is it worth the added emotional drain telling them? Or is it more of a drain to lie to them? If they completely disown me (which is a possibility), will I care or be happier for it? I don't exactly have a mountain of friends who can step in and "be my family," as it were, should I be excommunicated. But my family is not supportive in the least to begin with, so I might be better off. Or, they could surprise me and not have a cow at all (as my mother did when I told her I was Pagan: asked me once and then NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT AGAIN, ie, pretend it didn't happen). So... I'm kind of at a loss. Right now, I am waiting it out. I realize I'm coming out really fast, so I'm trying to be cautious and give myself time to think about it. The other question is, if I do tell them, how the hell do I do that, given that we don't talk at all about anything important? It's not like I could sit them down and have "the talk."

Anywho... thanks for letting me vent here. It really helped to get that off my chest. If any of you have any insights, they would be appreciated. : )

Next I will be outing myself at work, I think. ; )