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I give up

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Zec24, Dec 30, 2007.

  1. Zec24

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    I don't understand my parents. I wrote them a 5 page single spaced letter trying to explain my feelings to them. They've been in the denial stage for about a year now. We hadn't talked about my being gay since last Christmas, so I thought it was time for our annual discussion.

    My mother read the letter and we had a pretty decent conversation, my dad did not read the letter, but he and I talked this afternoon. Our talk was not productive, he worries about my job security vs. my emotional well-being and somehow our conversation turned into a therapy session on goal setting. Ummm, yeah I don't know how we got there either.

    Anyways, my mother I think finally believes me, but she says this is not the life she wants for me. Ok, I understand that, but it is what it is so can we move on and get past this "it isn't what we want for you" stage.

    I guess I just expected my parents to be a little more sympathetic to how I felt, but I guess that's not a concern right now. Not once has either of them said, I'm sorry you had to go through this alone for so long, or how are you feeling about things now.

    I don't know, I just feel let down somehow. I wish they would go to a Pflag meeting, but I don't think I should even suggest it because they don't seem to think there is a problem on their side, its all on mine. I think they hope I'll never meet anyone so they don't have to deal with this as something that is real. I think they want this to be a hypothetical situation for the rest of my life.

    I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just stop trying? I guess when the time comes to bring someone home, then maybe things will sort themselves out, but I want them to be sorted out before I meet someone so they don't have to deal with my crazy family.

    Sorry this is such a long post, but I needed to vent. Tomorrow I'm losing my sister (going on an internship to another state) who is my soul supporter at the moment and seems genuinely interested in my struggle. Uggh, I'll have to deal with my parents alone for the next 5-6 days until I can escape back to school.
     
  2. biisme

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    ooo...i'm sorry...i wish there was something i could tell you to make it better

    (*hug*)
     
  3. ok455

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    I would just sit it out and let them get used to it. Just try to avoid them
     
  4. Steam Giant

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    You should never stop trying ^^ but it would seem that your parents really need more time to get used to the idea. Honestly, I think it's going to take your parents something that makes your sexual preference more real, like bringing someone home, before it truly hits home for them. It'd be great for them to be cool with it before you brought her home, but if their opinion has barely shifted after a year, this is probably going to be something that you'll have to face.

    But you won't be facing it alone! You'll have her with you! Whoever this dream girl turns out to be, hehe! In any event, you'll be doing this together, which I'm sure will make things loads better!

    (*hug*) This is a tough place to be, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it, but I think with time, your parents will fully realize that this is who you are, and you're not going to change. I hate having to say this, but just give them more time ^^ things will turn out okay, it's just going to take a little while.
     
  5. beckyg

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    I fully agree with Steam Giant. It is never better to avoid them or avoid the subject. It may take them more time but don't stop talking about it. If your mom uses the internet, I'd be willing to talk to her. Those fears she's expressing for you are pretty normal and going to a PFLAG meeting would help her learn that and learn how to deal with those feelings. I would go ahead and tell her about PFLAG. She may not go in the next day but its a good thing to plant a seed and let her know its there when she's ready. Hang in there. Your parents are still talking to you. They are just fearful of something they don't understand.
     
  6. Katness

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    I agree with Steam Giant too. I also agree with Becky. What I'd do. Like others have said. Is sit it out and give your parents space. Live your life in the mean time. And should you happen to meet a partner that you want to introduce to them. Then do so. As even though that will probably create a disaster of some sort, it will at least let them know in a more visual, blunt manner that "Yes I'm gay, no this is not a phase, no this is not hypothetical, and no you do not get to say what you wanted for me. As I already know who I am and what I want/need in life"

    In other words, I'd give them some space. But not necessarily avoid them. But I wouldn't hide who I am either. I'd still act myself. But, and this depends on the person, a more toned down version of myself. And I'd just take things as they come.

    The unfortunate thing is some people are easily perturbed about something that they are not used to. Especially in a family member. I think that if they are good parents (not saying they are bad mind you), they will come around after a while and realize that your wellbeing and happiness and feeling of fulfillment is more important then "the life they wanted for you".

    Oh yeah, and don't give up. Not on yourself or your family.
     
  7. SpikySpice

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    Right, i agreed with all, same words liek they say but you just keep going, it dose take long for somebody to reallize about something, we dont know how long but you need to be strong and patient

    Dont force thm to believe what is right what is wrong, but show them
     
  8. Nicknikko

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    I guess, that with time they will realize that they'll have to accept who you really are. At least your mom seems kind of tolerant to the situation just give it a little more time. I know that you have given them like a whole year but still for some people this is like really hard situation. I'm so sorry for the situation you are passing through, but do not deny happiness for yourself. If you find someone you might love do not say not to love. It maybe might fix up your life and show your parents that you are really serious about this. It's a very different thing to just say to them you are gay, but when they see that you are happy with someone that will love you etc they migth change a little their minds.

    Good luck, =]
    Nico
     
  9. Katness

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    Oh yeah. I forgot to say that even though they are in denial. They still care as they haven't stopped talking to you. (from what I gather)

    However, like the two above me have said. It will take time. And people who are in this position usually need gentle nudges. Not a shove, as a shove will make the whole situation collapse into a possible supernova.

    To me, it seems like your parents are in their own closet. As I believe there is more then one. The denial one, the anxiety one, the depression one, the "lack of self esteem" one. As well as the gay/lesbian one. And to me, while you were locked in the gay closet. Your parents probably were already one foot in the denial closet. So when you got to the point you could open that door and walk through it. Your parents got sucked into the closet of denial because they felt perturbed so much they had to try and suppress it.

    Thats just my take. I don't know if looking at it that way helps any though. But then I believe you have the mother of all closets. The one that is sexual orientation, anxiety, depression, no self esteem, etc all rolled into one.

    Anyway. Like I and others said. Patience is a virtue. Even if it may take another two years. Little nudges go a long way.
     
  10. Zec24

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    Thanks for the advice guys. I guess I just really needed to get out my frustration. Its just awkward with my parents right now. We were always so close and now there is a slight rift and some tension.

    My parents still love me, but they say they don't understand me. Ok, I don't have a problem with that, but they could at least seem interested in trying to understand me. I won't give up on them, but I guess I'll back off for a little while.

    I overheard my mother on the phone to my grandmother the other day and she was saying she feels sick when she thinks of breaking this to her side of the family. Maybe she finally feels a little of what I feel now everytime I have to come out to someone.

    I think my parents will come around, they love me. I guess I just expected things to move faster. I know, I know, I need to be patient.

    Becky, my mother does use the computer/gets online. I'll have to talk to her before I leave about the possibility of talking to someone. She did express a desire to talk to my great aunt (the one with the gay son). I think she'll start trying to educate herself now that she understands this is not some game I'm playing.

    Thanks again for the support and advice.