Scared, confused, and lost

Hey welcome to EC! I really do understand how you feel. You really don't want to be gay but yet at the same time you can't help that you have an attraction to guys. To me, I don't think you're gay. You seem to be bisexual, but prefer men over women. That's ok. You just have to learn how to accept who you are. Once you do, it's like a big weight will have been lifted off of you.

Now I realize that liking guys may not be something you're fond of, but it's a part of you that you will have to accept. Accepting that doesn't mean that you won't find a woman and start a family one day. If you believe strongly enough that you want to marry a woman and hae kids, then you stand a good chance of that happening.

 

Hi and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place.

SO many things to share - so little time. (I'm at work!)

First fo all - don't beat yourself up for being a 20 year old virgin. It's NOT that uncommon, and it's NOT something to be ashamed of. Your time will come. Mine didn't until I was 25 - and I was still in denial about being gay. So my first time was with a woman, and we ended up getting married and having a couple of kids. And I was miserable. I didn't even know why for the longest time. But I wasn't happy.

I came to terms with the fact that I was gay. We separated but remained good friends and partners when it comes to raising our daughters. I've embraced my orientation and integrated it in my life. I'm out to everyone. I met a wonderful man and he and I are now married. Life is good.

At first it was just a physical attraction to men. I didn't think I wanted a relationship with a man either. But that was because I didn't want to be gay. But when I accepted that it didn't matter what I wanted and that I had to 'go with it' then a relationship became more appealing. And now that I'm in a wonderful relationship, I feel complete. I have MUCH stronger feelings for him than I ever did for my wife.

So - you're not too late. (As per my signature - it's never too late!) You're not doomed to a life of loneliness. I didn't meet my husband until I was 36!

Allow yourself to explore this a little more. There's no rush. Hang out here and get comfortable with the fact that you might be gay. Try it on for a while. Don't fight it - just let it be and see how you feel. You might be surprised how your thinking changes.

 

This is actually quite significant. Emotionally, it may have been a "stupid teenage relationship" as who is really mature enough to recognise/deal with the aspects of a 'relationship' that are not purely physical? At that age, most teenage boys would be incredibly horny and trying to urge things beyond a simple kiss. Not necessarily sex, but anything from a kiss to intercourse. The fact that you were not sexually interested in girls does mean something. For example, when I was that age, I had a girlfriend. I liked her a lot. I loved kissing her, I loved walking around holding hands with her, I loved waking up in the morning before school thinking "yay, I get to see her today!" however...this didn't stop me fooling around with my male friend on the way home from school.

The reason you don't feel an emotional connection like you do with women is because of acceptance. You accept that you are physically attracted to men, but you still seem very insecure about it to me. You're obviously not comfortable being attracted to men full stop, so for you to develop romantic feelings for one would be very uncomfortable.
Btw, you sort of contradict yourself. You must have once upon a time felt an emotional attraction to another boy:

I assume, in typical potential gay-guy fashion, that you have a lot of female friends. The attraction you feel for them is indeed emotional, but is it the form of emotional attraction taken between two potential lovers? You know, that spark where you're excited at the prospect of them being on the same night out as you are. These emotional attractions you feel for women are significant because they're only for your friends, ergo they sound more like friendship bonds. I'm very close to some of my female friends to the point where I get jealous if they get boyfriends because I am, on some level, emotionally attracted to them, however in the end I don't really wish to pursue them physically because I am not sexually attracted to them.

This is what gets me. You have envisioned the perfect future life. However, you cannot use this sort of fortune telling as negatives for potentially being gay. If you were fully straight, who's to say that you would even meet a girl and have a family like that? Also, might I add you can still have those things with another man. Yes, it's not traditional and you may not like the sound of same-sex marriage/parenting, however you only truly feel that way because you're not yet comfortable with your sexuality.

I hope you've found my post somewhat enlightening. What I will finish on is this: stop worrying. I was once like you, and I didn't stop worrying, ultimately leaving myself with a terrible anxiety disorder. You are who you are, and there's nothing you can do but accept it. You can't fight your sexuality, so to even try is a waste of time. However, do not feel like you need to label yourself. Like me, you obviously have a raw curiosity in girls both emotionally and physically, and if you were truly 100% gay you would know by now that you're only interested in men the way a 100% straight guy is only interested in women. Sexuality is a spectrum, and all of this labelling nonsense is ridiculous. Are you gay, straight or bisexual? I don't know, no one here can tell you that, in the end only you will be able to answer that question. Or who knows, maybe you won't. Maybe you will just meet someone, man or woman and feel that connection but still not know where your true sexuality lies.

EDIT: And by the way, don't listen to anyone on these boards when they try and tell you "You sound gay to me." They don't know you at all, they can't make that kind of assumption. There are people on these boards incredibly narrow-minded when it comes to sexuality.

 

Yes, it's very common, but it's also temporary. You can't help how you feel, so one day you could potentially get to know a guy you feel physically attracted to and end up developing a romantic attraction too. You don't have to know someone to find them physically attracted, as I'm sure you know. You can find a stranger physically attractive, but for an emotional connection to form you must get to know them.

My point is that the attraction to the girl was not the same as it was to the guy. There was a raw, sexual attraction with my male friend and although I "did stuff" with the girl, thinking back on it...I'm not sure it was quite the same attraction. Yeah, doing stuff with the girl felt good, but sex is sex. I didn't really get that "hot" feeling in my stomach with her that I did with my male friend.
You grow up thinking man+woman=standard, so it's easy to engage in a straight relationship at an age before your sexuality develops because you think it's "normal". You have to compare the attractions you feel for girls with guys. Are they different? How? You need to ask yourself these kinds of questions. You must be honest with yourself too. You can lie to whoever you want to, but not yourself - that's just self-destructing.

You may feel an intense, passionate, consuming, heart-pounding, throat-clenching bucket of emotions for a girl but...in the end, you have to ask yourself one thing. Do you want to have sex with her? It's difficult to figure out who you like based on emotional attractions as I think they fall into graces outside of orientation. Like I said, I develop strong emotional attractions for women but that doesn't mean I'm picturing myself having sex with them. If I'm sat in the cafe in my university building and a very attractive girl and very attractive guy are in sight, I just compare the attractions.
With girls, I'm very much appreciating their beauty. I know a gorgeous girl when I see one. I can tell if she has a hot body, an attractive ass and all of that. You don't need to be gay or straight to know if someones hot.
However, with the guy I'm probably going to be checking out his ass. It's as simple as that.

In the end, orientation comes down to sex. Ignore all of these "Biromantic Pansexual" labels, or "emotional vs. physical attraction" debates. In the end, it's who you would rather be f***ing. Ask yourself that, which gender would you rather have sex with? Are you sexually attracted to guys you've never met?
Are you sexually attracted to girls you've never met?
Physical attraction is the foundation of all other following attractions. That's why the majority of dates people go on end in disaster. You like the look of what's on the menu, but the taste can be disgusting.

Well, if you really feel like you can't stop worrying, allow me to be your future. I was in such a dark place for a while with my anxiety and worrying similar to yours that I had contemplated ending it all. This state of mind is temporary.

I didn't know what to do either, so I developed things to do. I explored hobbies, met new people, improved family relations, joined the gym etc. and you have no idea how much better it made me feel. Exercise works better than any medication when it comes to anxiety. Go for a morning jog and I gurantee you will feel better.

If after reading this you still have no idea of your sexuality, then just remember you don't have to label it. I don't label mine. I've been sexually attracted to girls and guys. Some days I have an urge to explore girls, some days I have an urge to explore guys. Orientation is a crazy, fluid aspect of a person, and you should be having fun with it instead of worrying. Fool around with a guy, fool around with a girl, who cares. You're young, find out what you like.

 

How did I finally figure out I was gay? I had been using gay porn since I was around 20, yet I didn't contemplate the fact that I might be gay. Instead, I didn't really date, and when I finally did get set up on a date I married her after a year and a half. But I still used gay porn once in a while. And over time, porn moved to chat rooms, cyber sex, phone sex, and eventually meeting other men for sex. Not something I'm proud of - but that's what happened. I had other things that were driving this too, but in the end I couldn't deny any longer that I was gay.

I don't think you're going to have romantic feelings until you give yourself permission to have those romantic feelings. REALLY you're not going to have romantic feelings until you've met someone. But first it's giving yourself permission to imagine or envision having romantic feelings for a guy. Only THEN might you meet someone and allow yourself to flirt or get to know them in a way that could lead to a romantic relationship. All the while you're in denial or uncomfortable with this, then you're not likely to even look at a guy that way.

Where as the more 'primal' physical attraction isn't easily suppressed. That's likely what you're feeling now - and that's how it worked for me.

Yes - I had sex with my wife. And without having had sex with men I didn't know any better. I didn't know that I'd enjoy sex WAY more with my husband than I ever did with my ex wife. And that's because I hadn't had sex with men when we started dating and got married. The expression 'hindsight is 20/20' fits here for sure.

 

Im 20 too, and Ive been is a similar position than you for some time now, Ive been attracted to guys for a long time, but there were some girls I would like, but I would never feel sexually attracted to them. It was not until recently that I´ve started to accept myself.

When you said you couldnt look at a guy romantically, I think its because of the things that have been said in the other replies, about not giving yourself permission. I used to be that way. It would gross me out to think of myself holding hands with a guy, and stuff like that, I just wanted to have sex with them and thats it, but when I found this site, I started to see that it amy not be that bad after all, and I would actually like to meet someone now. I still sometimes feel the thing you said about the family and all, but I guess its part of the "perfect scenario" that society sells to us since were very young, so maybe thats the reason we want it so bad. I hope this helps in any kind of way

 

Aye, it's not a simple question. You feel like you need to answer yourself, but you just don't know what it is, and on top of that you're unsure if you're lying to yourself. If you don't know the answers, don't ask the questions. The answers will come to you in time. In time, you'll know if you're in denial, who you really are etc.

This is very close to home, as I'm exactly the same, though I think I'm a little further along the path than you. It's easy for anyone to look at anyone else and appreciate their appearance. I was talking about this scenario with a few straight, female friends and they were telling me that sometimes they see an attractive girl and think "WOW. GIRL CRUSH. She's f***ing hoooot!"
I think we as humans are just biologically programmed to find things "pretty"; man or woman, no matter what our orientation. It's ultimately about where you want to put "it".

You'll know in time. In the mean time, I suggest you adjust these other insecurities, such as your body and self-esteem in general. I joined a gym and improved my overall fitness, lost weight etc. and now I feel great on that front. I used to walk around slightly sucking in my tummy because I was concious of it, but now I don't. I also got a new haircut/style...it's surprising how much they help. I bought some new clothes -- clothes that I never felt "thin" enough to wear and such, and that also feels great. It sounds to me like you have much self-grooming to do, and it will help you in the long run!

Well...I think Jim is a prime example of how things can change. I'm sure he was sexually attracted to his wife otherwise he physically would not have been able to "do it". Sex is only one part of an attraction, and since you're currently not comfortable enough to form any other attractions to men, that's where it stops. It is also possible that you yearn to be physically attracted to girls so much that an emotional desire has formed in its place. Alternatively, these emotional bonds could be as a result of the fact you can relate to females more.
Something that made me think about all this "emotional vs. physical attraction" stuff is a simple quote from the film Friends With Benefits, in which a gay character talks about his orientation:

It's amazing how much I can relate to that quote... I'm sure you can see why.

Indeed, that is a lovely vision. However, you musn't be under any illusion that being straight will bring all of that. Divorce and infidelity rates continue to rise among straight couples/marriages, there are plenty of troubled children thrown into foster homes, and who's to say if you were straight you would even find a woman to settle down and have that stuff with? Who's to say you can even have kids (you could have bad sperm)? Who's to say your wife wouldn't turn out to be a complete and utter tramp? Added, there are plenty of straight, unmarried, childless single people who are more or less "past" the stage in their life where they can do the majority of that stuff. You have envisioned the perfect life, but does such a thing exist? Maybe, but not for many people...
I think when you meet a man, and you will eventually, all of that stuff won't seem like a big deal. You won't care about prejudice or holding hands in public, I don't know any gay couples that are bothered by it at all, because they love each other and that's really all that matters.

It's not "this situation" that's the contributor, it's you. YOU have allowed this to consume your mind. Essentially, you're just anxious and confused, which as you know is all in the mind; it's all thought. Can thoughts harm you? No. There are plenty of people in this world less fortunate than yourself. Count your blessings, stop worrying and just remember everything will be fine.

Feel free to PM me at any time, I'd gladly like to talk to you whenever.

 

I think I can honestly say, I was in nearly the same boat not too long ago (or so it seems to me).

I always knew I was attracted to guys, and that it was much different with my feelings towards women. I would repeat in my mind that emotionally I connected much better with women so I should just adapt to being sexual with them. Envisioning myself without the perfect family life (wife, kids, house) was absolutely terrifying, and although I was vigorously physically attracted to men, I couldn't see having a "real" relationship with one. I also relentlessly suppressed my feelings and desires in public as to avoid suspicion, and by keeping everything inside, became significantly withdrawn and sad.

However, my opinion is that most of these thoughts came from the social ideal being constantly projected at us. I didn't want to be different, I wanted to fit in, and have what I thought I should have to be considered successful in life. But when I started being open and honest with myself, I felt that it was unfair and potentially hurtful to string a woman along if I couldn't give them what they needed and wanted. I've been in a few relationships with women, and had a constant feeling of dishonesty and guilt.

Since beginning to accept myself and who I am, the idea of being different is getting easier. I'm starting to be able to see myself having a real relationship with a good man someday. It's still a little scary, but as I come to hate myself less, I come to see my future brighter and better. It's up to you to decide where your attractions and preferences lie, but it really pays off to take some time to examine yourself and your true feelings. I've only told one of my friends about myself, but even just telling that one person makes it real in my mind, and turns my restless, confusing thoughts into a decision, which shapes future choices and actions and eases my mind.

Good luck sir, fight the good fight!