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Parental cognitive dissonance

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jsmurf, Mar 5, 2012.

  1. jsmurf

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    It's as if I never came out to them, but it's partially my fault. For one, I feel uncomfortable discussing it especially around my mom (who is prone to temper tantrums), and thank God she never brings it up, and smiles as usual. I summoned the nerve to talk to my dad in the car after seeing a therapist for my first session last week, and when I told my dad that I have a few local platonic gay friends, he innocently grinned, and then said, "Why do you need to hang out with gays?"


    Seeing that I was somewhat shaken and perturbed by this comment, he quickly tried to smooth it out by adding, "i know i cant see what it's like to be in your shoes, but the aim of these therapy sessions should be to see if you can maximize your straight side and eventually find a gf and then marry."

    The problem is, and I haven't shared this detail with my folks, I want to experience both kinds of relationships, but I feel I have a more imminent need to find a bf or a fwb type of a scenario to finally come to terms with the gay side of my sexuality.

    I relayed this to the therapist as well, and he recommended that a future later date (not soon), I should bring my dad to one of the therapy sessions to sort things out.

    But I feel as if my parents are still in denial, even after I told them. Maybe I didn't emphasize strongly enough that I tend more towards being gay than straight, although I thought I was clear when I said that I'm "70% gay."


    Worst of all, I'll never feel comfortable dating a guy because I'll feel an unease if I should decide to present him to my parents..

    ---------- Post added 5th Mar 2012 at 03:19 PM ----------

    And yesterday, my folks were at the table and laughing with sort of a laidback expression and a warm candid vibe about how such and such a girl would make a great girlfriend or wife for me.. I was reasonably ticked off by what I felt was a deliberate intrusion, but then realized it was probably not made in jest and was unintended.. :astonished:ops:
     
  2. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    You are right, your parents are still going through denial. Just keep in mind that, just like you, they need time to get a hold of everything that is going on. They aren't intentionally being "bad", but mostly likely they honestly think that they are doing the best they can with the whole situation.

    What you can do is to give little nudges here and there. Nothing too big in order to avoid big confrontation. For example, if your dad says something along the line of what he sad already, then go ahead and gently let him know that you aren't interested in "trying to go straight". It might lead to some confrontation, but they are usually unavoidable.

    Also, I think once your therapist talks to your parents then they will understand things a lot better since its coming from a third party. And feel free to give them information like PFLAG and things of that sort.
     
  3. jsmurf

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    What's another helpful hint to avoid "rude awakenings"?
     
  4. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    The only thing I can say is to be very understanding of them. In essence, when they start talking about LGBT stuff, treat them almost like 6 year olds. In that sense, encourage them to understand you, but don't blame them for not getting it just yet. Be patient. Also, you can thank them every so often for being there for you. Talk to them about how much their support means to you.
     
  5. jsmurf

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