Is coming out worth it?

Well... I tried that you are suggesting - and it was a lonely life. Friends start their own lives and no matter how much they care for you, they aren't available in the way that a BF/GF - or spouse is.
Both my BF and I are "tough nuts to crack" when it comes to discussing feelings etc but we (as all people are), are a work in progress.
So yes, I think you owe it to yourself to have the best, honest life possible - and risk sharing your live with someone who makes you happy.

 

>>>However, is coming out really worth it if I'm not looking for a boyfriend?

Coming out lets people know you're at least on the market. So if some guy ends up meeting you, and is interested, he'll know he has a shot. So even if you're not specifically looking, it's nice to have the option.

>>>Although I would like having a boyfriend, the truth is that I'm not boyfriend material.

I have met very few people who aren't "boyfriend material". And it doesn't sound like you're in that group. You may be reserved and shy, and don't know how to date, but that just means you're inexperienced. Every one of us "learned by doing". By dating people, by sometimes making mistakes, and by figuring out how it's done. And sometimes, yeah, you have to deal with arguments and conflict, and occasionally your heart can get broken. Is it worth it? Oh, God, yes.

Lex

 

You have a whole lifetime ahead of you - so I'd say you should plan on coming out. And don't write yourself off as not being boyfriend material. There's someone for everyone - and there's someone out there for you if you're willing to be open to the possibilities.

 

Of course coming out is worth it. So you're not looking for a boyfriend. It's not that big of a deal. If you want one, in time you will find one. As long as you are comfortable and 100% confident in yourself, go ahead and come out.

 

You've been given a lot of great advice here, and whether or not you decide to take it is up to you.

I'm personally closeted. I'm just at the beginning of my journey in exploring myself and it seems you are too, as you're having difficulties deciding between gay and bisexual. Be sure of yourself first, and then share this new self with everybody you meet.

 

It depends on the time. If you're not okay with your sexuality, it's probably the worst thing you could ever do.
Coming out so publicly to loads of friends and family is pointless, imo. Why should you make a spectacle out of your sexuality? Who you have sex with is your business, not your mum's bloody friend.

 

I totally agree with your first statement. You can't hope to convey a positive message when you come out if you're not actually able to be positive about it yourself.

On the second point I take issue. Coming out isn't making a spectacle of your sexuality. Is being identified as straight also a 'spectacle'? No. People need to be told that despite appearances, not all of us are straight - and they need to take that into account when dealing with us. I don't have a wife, I have a husband. So when talking about my weekend, I will refer to my spouse as a 'him' and not a 'her'. It isn't pointless at all - it's how I am able to feel comfortable when having an exchange with a coworker or a relative or a friend.

And why keep it a secret? Is there something wrong with being gay? By trying to hide it that's exactly the message you're sending. And for the most part, it isn't necessary.

 

You and I are in a very similar boat - I was closeted all my life until just a few short weeks ago. I never dated, I never had a boyfriend, I didn't and still don't know what I want.

What I did want was to quit having to live under a shroud of carefully conceived excuses, lies, and outright emotionless attitude to friends gentle, and sometimes not so gentle, prodding about dating and girlfriends.

I wanted to be able to look for more than a fast glance and not feel scared to be 'busted'.
I wanted to perhaps give myself the opportunity to try to date women, and if it didn't work, I wouldn't be scared shitless of coming ever so close to being 'outed'. If it did work, great.
I wanted to give myself the option to date men without sneaking around friends and risk getting caught - being out makes you free of all that BS.
I wanted for my friends to know the truth so that I can finally participate in conversations regarding sex, parties, celebrities without having to so carefully guard my thoughts.

So, from a guy who came out with nothing to gain but character and a free conscience - I'd say it is worth it.

 

I feel like you're misunderstanding the point of coming out. It isn't to make a spectacle of yourself or your sexuality, but rather:

- To acknowledge that you trust the people in your life to know who you really are
- To acknowledge that you have (or still are) struggling with something personal, and that you've become much stronger because of it (or want help)
- To acknowledge to yourself that it isn't worth putting up a facade all the time
- To acknowledge to yourself that you would actually like a relationship, and aren't going to find one if you aren't 'on the market'

Straight people don't date and sleep with other people to define their sexuality. They do it because they want a relationship, or sex, or both with who they're attracted to. The difference between being closeted or straight? We hide who we're attracted to, while they don't. Coming out is a simple way of clarifying that. However much of a spectacle you choose to make it is your choice.

As for this, you're going away somewhere new. These people you're going to meet don't know the old you. Reinvent yourself. You only come off as a reserved, non-experienced guy if you let them see that. Do yourself a favour and pretend like you're not what you think you are. Be yourself, and you'll find someone who likes you for you.

I can guarantee you that the majority of people on this earth (gay, straight, or otherwise) feel like they aren't prime material for girlfriends/boyfriends. Yet, a large chunk of that same group are in a relationship, if not multiple, over their lifetime. Certainly there's something to be said for that, no?

What exactly makes you think you aren't boyfriend material? Because if it's just that you're shy and not experienced, those are things you can 'fake' so-to-speak. Not to mention, it might be something someone might find attractive (I for one wouldn't want to date a cocky, in-your-face kinda guy... shy would definitely be more up my alley).

 

I couldn't agree more!! I'll leave it at that.

 

I personally thought coming out was the best thing I have done so far in my own life.
I was really depressed before I came out, it is such a huge weight taken off of you when you tell just one person. Then it gets easier and easier after that. I'm the happiest I have ever been due to it.

It's good to sort yourself out, and be happy with yourself before coming out, in my opinion. If you have a really good friend it may be nice to talk about how you feel towards your sexuality.

Everyone has flaws, you find someone to deal with your flaws, and vise verse. You can't be experienced without putting a leg out there and actually trying to date. It isn't as bad or hard as it may seem . I'm sure you can do it!

 

I think this answers a little of your question - coming out will help you be more open about your feelings (which is good in any context, not just dating). Deciding to be single for the rest of your life is a valid choice, and many people enjoy it, but when you talk about it it seems like you always think of it as "the lesser of two evils." Unless being single is something you really aspire to, I wouldn't set it up as a goal for yourself. This is not to say that you need to give yourself a timetable for finding a boyfriend either, but don't set yourself up for defeat (if that's how you're going to feel about it).

Secondly - in my case, it was absolutely worth coming out. I'll admit I only came out when I started seeing somebody, but when we broke up and I was single I found it was much preferable to being in the closet. It sets you up for all kinds of personal emotional growth (accepting yourself, self esteem, etc.) and more genuine friendships (no more hiding when friends say homophobic things, and you can share more of your life with the friends who are accepting).

Plus, if you're going where I think you're going D, btw), it will be a welcoming place to do so, so it will give you an excellent "comfort zone."

 

Hiding stuff about yourself has an impact on your mental health. You might not realize it, but, when you are hiding something, it follows you wherever you go. There is always a nagging sense that someone will notice. Some people can feel like they have some secret disease or something. It wears on you.

So consider everything. Consider that, but also consider how coming out would impact your life. There are many factors, here. No stranger can tell you what is right for you. Even your best friend couldn't tell you what is right for you. It is just too complex.

Good luck.