Everything I do fails, everyone I ever fell for said I'm not their type, let's just be friends, turning over new leaves makes no sense, there is only one message on every page of that book, it reads "You're a total loser." I'm tired of empty pep talk, of useless advice. I'm basically a waste of Earth's valuable resources, a good-for-nothing mistake. And the worst part is, tomorrow morning I'll forget it all, and go on with motions of life as if it really matters, as if it ever changes anything. No one would ever love me for what I am, - a whiny 30-something who achieved nothing. Sorry, just saying it aloud never really helped before, not sure why I'm doing it, maybe i'm mad.
Aww, I hope you cheer up! I know anything I say probably won't make your day or anything, but I'll just say that for what it's worth, you're not a failure, not good-for-nothing, and not a loser!! You're in a rut, and nothing can stay the same forever. No matter what happens, we still get hungry, we still get tired, and the sun still rises, even if somehow it doesn't seem real. Best of luck to you! (*hug*)
Everytime you hit a rut in the road, stand up, dust yourself off, and keep going. It's the way of the gay (or lesbian or bisexual or transgender). You're only 30 something, you've got a long life ahead of you, so get out and get exploring. You'll find someone, I promise!
It sounds to me like you may be experiencing moderate to severe depression. This is normal and common, especially among queer people. Fortunately, depression is relatively easy to treat, although the treatment takes quite a bit of time to work. I would encourage you to find a good counselor, therapist, or support group to work with. If you want advice on how to find good help, please PM me or someone else on the staff.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I know roughly how you feel. The other replies are more positive and I hope you heed their advice. I really do wish you the best (*hug*) By the way, I like your signature
It well might be, but honestly, I'm just sort of... wary of the idea that these things can be "treated" like it's a sore throat or a broken bone. It's all ultimately about ideas in one's head, and I don't want them to be "treated." What I really want is to figure things out for myself. What this really is all about is a bit difficult to explain without writing a rambling novel-length memoir, but there just seems to be some sort of "talk, don't touch" bubble around me when it comes to serious relationships. Not sex in general, just those people I really fall for. When I try and ask about exactly why I'm not attractive that way, I either get some vague platitudes about "too shy," "too assertive," "too conservative," "too crazy" etc. or some explanation along the lines of "you're not my type physically, try to go out more, there's someone for everyone." Every. Effing. Time. And it sometimes drives me nuts like that. Especially, when, like today, I'm just confronted with incontrovertible proof that there's NO such bubble around other people. That there seems to be absolutely no reason for me to be any different. Yes, those were all "straight" relationships, maybe it'll be different now, when I know I'm bi, maybe it's different with men... But I don't see any reason why it might be. @mnguy Glad you liked it, though in my current mood it sounds a bit more disturbing than I intended it to.
Ah, whom am I fooling. I know all the answers, it's just I don't much like them. I'm quite submissive, even with girls, and a typical straight girl, is, well, not into it at all or needs some damn definitive signals that that's exactly what you want. And as a result an ISO standard straight relationship feels like a chore to me, and let's face it, no one would ever fall for you if you can really compare dating and seduction with taking out rubbish, you know, mildly unpleasant, but necessary duty. Add my typical... combative attitude to every other area of life, and well, it's no surprise my relationships all turned out to be not quite what I wanted them to be.
These things can't be treated with a pill but there are people that will get you some coping skills and mechanisms that will enable you to see through the crap and see a great person in the mirror that just hasn't found the person that is going to be soooo lucky to feel all the love that you have to offer. I know that the old "it will be ok" line is hard to listen to and that is why you need a professional to help show you how to make it ok or at least better. We can talk by way of my wall until I am a full member if you want to exchange more. Clay
This is a very common feeling, and it stems from a misunderstanding about what mental health care is like. Therapy is exactly about working through the problems in my head. But I lack the knowledge to know where to even begin starting on my problems, that's why I go to a therapist; she has the knowledge and training to help me learn the techniques I need for improvement. She doesn't impose interpretations or cures on me, she guides me to make my own interpretations of what's happening upstairs.
