This is question is mostly for lesbians but everyone else are welcome to join in too :icon_wink First a little background story, just bear with me! I've had a crush on this girl at work for over a year now ever since I saw her (I know, cheesy right). I don't get to see her much because I work there on a casual basis (so only a couple of days every few weeks or months) but every time I go back she's the first thing on my mind! I could rave on about her but I'll spare you the details! Anyway. Every time I see her, I feel this overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect her, not to mention all the other emotions, and be like a gentleman (or should I say "gentlewoman?":icon_bigg) like opening doors and shit. I once had the privilege to be in the lift with her (and her alone) because I held the door open for her even though she was still meters away from the lift (that's how much I wanted her to be in the lift with me! :lol. I wasn't brave enough to start a conversation though... :icon_sad: I know it's no big deal, holding the door open for someone, people do it everyday, but I felt like I was reaching out to her, holding out my heart to her, Idk I can't explain. Basically every opportunity I get to say or do something nice, I'll do so. Besides holding out a door I once said "bless you" after she sneezed - sounds ridiculous, I know, but I felt proud :lol: and she looked my way and said "thank you" (!) That was the 1st word she ever said to me! Anyway, you get the point, right? This has made me realize that I prefer being the protector as opposed to being protected. I've never really enjoyed being treated like a woman (guys opening doors for you and stuff). Interestingly, the last couple of guys I've been with all had weak/ feminine personalities. I was the one protecting them rather than me being protected by them, as though I was the guy in the relationship and it didn't feel wrong... I wonder if my desire to be with a woman stems from the need to be the protector? Can any of you relate to this feeling of wanting to protect? Would you describe this feeling as something a butch might relate to? I'm very curious to hear your comments!
I know what you mean, I used to get these feelings quite a lot, but now I feel less emotionally secure and get the urge to be protect just as much. However this urge to be protected does not lead me to want to be with men
I think I have the opposite behaviour, I am a gay male who wants to be protected :lol:. I feel kind of selfish because of this though. I guess that's makes me 'the woman' of the relationship, but I couldn't care less. ---------- Post added 7th Mar 2012 at 08:53 PM ---------- Btw, I would totally be with a woman if she was very protective and rather dominant.
hmm i feel the opposite like hymns i would much rather have someone protect me than protect someone else. but at the same time i feel i should always show my own way of caring for the other person as much as possible.
I have these feelings too, I need to open and the doors for girls in my school (especially for those who I like ), carry their bags or whatever thay can't manage to carry themselves..or they can but I don't let them I also pick everything that falls them on the ground up for them etc. etc. But there is one major crush I have (well, maybe something more than a crush) who I can't even talk to, mainly because she's like 14 years older and I don't have many opportunities and also I'm not even able to meet her in the hall, let alone talk to her because I immediately start smiling "that" way so if she's not blind, she'd totally notice that ...once I managed to talk to her and to be in the same room with her for like 30 seconds (that is really my best).....but if I was in a relationship with her, I'd do everything for her, clean her mess, the door, shopping groceries, driving her no matter where, just everything so yeah, I guess I'm kind of protective ;D
i don't think be the protector is particularly butch. i'm pretty femme and i've (and i'm sure everyone) been in this situation. i've been in that 'protector' situation, but (in my case anyways) i call it the puppy dog. there was a girl i was (i realize now) infatuated with who i always held doors for, wanted to hug as much as possible, be around, say nice things to, defending her, etc...basically kneeling at her feet. in retrospect it felt less protector more follower. every situation is different, but staring at a far always has an element of fantasy, right? you could call it 'wearing the pants' so to speak, but i also think it's just one aspect of attraction/relationships. but more importantly, i would actually talk to her.
I'm very much a protector, I've been described a couple of times as a gentleman. I definitely like to give people my jacket if it's cold, that kind of thing, and make sure people are okay. Friends as well as girls I'm interested in, but more so with girls than guys.
I know what you mean! I actually could have written this myself, haha. I literally felt the exact same way for another girl a while ago. She was the one that made me realize I liked girls-- I would get so nervous around her. I would be so in tune to everything she did, picking up anything she dropped and trying to comfort her when she was upset. And wishing that I could do something like give her my jacket when she complained about being cold. Thankfully, (nine months later) I no longer like her, because she is as straight as an arrow. These feelings of wanting to be chivalrous and, like you said, gentlemanly, are also what helped me realize my orientation. Being with guys felt so wrong, mainly because of societal gender roles...I hated having the door opened for me. Food bought for me. All of that. It felt wrong. This may sound totally stupid, but I've taken quizzes online about things like "what kind of lesbian are you" and every single time I get butch-- even though I look like a femme. People can't tell I'm gay, but on the inside, I am so masculine in these ways that it's just scary. On a side note, I don't think your tendency to protect people affects your orientation. If anything, your desire to be with women strengthens your protective instincts.
I'm helpful and protective (or crazy quixotic busybody if you ask some uncharitable person) in just about any situation... Except when there's love in the air, then I'm all of a sudden all coy, puppy-eyed, and "please, make love to me." No idea why.
Interesting responses, thanks guys :icon_bigg addie88 -- yes, I feel the same way about societal gender roles. If anything, I fit way more into the male one. I actually identify a lot with my dad. I have the same interests as him (science and other geeky stuff as opposed to shoes, shopping and dressing-up), I do typical male stuff like he does (leaving things not entirely clean, getting annoyed when not leaving right on time, wanting to hear a story told in a straightforward manner, preferring to figure things out myself over asking people, enjoying solving things, etc, etc,). I'm pretty sure I'd also get "butch" if I were to take those quizzes! greeneyes -- yep, it definitely is some kind of fantasy *sigh* So far we've only exchanged a couple words here and there but we've never actually introduced ourselves to one another. I know her name because I happen to hear a name called out once but that's it. She's a permanent staff whereas I'm not so that means I don't ever get a chance to be in staff meetings or parties with her :icon_sad:
I'm a guy, and I just feel the same way when I'm around the guy I like, I just take every opportunity to open him doors, or pick up anything he drops, well, just about everything you already said, and it makes me feel great. Actually I'm acting like that even with people I don't know, but I just do it with more passion around the guy I like
i enjoy playing both roles at times, but i think i spend more time as the one being protected. it depends on the situation. i'm small, thin, and very girlie-looking, and tend to prefer women who are taller and more to the butch side. i like having doors held for me and stuff like that . . . but i am also super quick to defend anyone i care about from outside affronts
I've wondered this as well. (Are you reading my thoughts!?) I love playing the gentleman role... opening doors, carrying bags, paying for drinks, holding instead of being held, etc. I tend to feel rebellious if someone tries to treat me like a lady, but I've learned to take it as a compliment. It could be a combination of instinct and learned gender roles. If I'm remembering correctly, I've heard studies claiming that men find helplessness in women attractive, which is where foot binding might have originated from. So if a butch lesbian is masculinized, that *might* explain the draw. Theoretically anyway. Google, I need you! Now I'm picturing two "protective" personality types fighting over who gets to open the door
For me, it seems to depend more on the person/gender. For women/some men, I feel more like the protector. For other men, however, I would prefer to be protected. It would just depend on the person.
Yeah, that makes sense. So that's why guys have never been attracted to me, I'm not helpless enough, ha ha! :lol: :roflmao: that could be quite funny!
As said before, some women/men - protector naturally, while other men want to be protected. Find that dynamic kind of funny.
