So, I've asked before in a couple separate occasions, but I think this time I'm legitimately going to tell them. The problem is how to do it. Don't get me wrong, I feel ready to tell them, because well, I really want to be out, and I'm at a point where I'm comfortable enough at school that if something were to go wrong (I severely doubt it will) I've got my support network in place. I just want it done and over with. That being said, my mom and dad are recently split, so I'll never find the opportunity to tell them altogether... unless I send them an e-mail. I feel like that is really impersonal or something, no matter how personal I make the actual letter and even if I ensure that I verbally communicate with them within short time of their reading it (< 24 hours, if they're willing). I could tell them in person, but I'd probably freeze up and not get to say what I want to make sure I say. As for the phone... I dunno, it just doesn't sit right with me for some reason. Opinions? Suggestions? I'll take 'em all!
Personally, I think there really is no single right way to come out to anyone, especially parents. I told my mom in person, but my dad over an email (actually, I didn't think about it at the time because I was too nervous, but I sent it to his work email, so it greeted him first thing in the morning on the next work day - oops). They were (and are) split up too, but in their case it had been many years. I would suggest a couple things. First, tell them in whatever way makes YOU the most comfortable. After all, this is something being done for your own sake and your own happiness - you shouldn't have to worry about how others will interpret the medium, and chances are, unless they already know on some level, the message will quickly outstrip the medium anyway. Secondly, don't put too much emphasis on *how* you initially come out to them - focus, instead, on keeping communication open and not letting your coming-out fade out of your conversations. What you're really doing here is starting a process, not finishing one.
Hi there! I think it depends on what you feel most comfortable with. If you feel you would be too nervous to talk to them in person, a letter is a good way to come out. A letter isn't all that impersonal, actually if you convey your thoughts and feelings, you are making it quite personal, and it would allow you to convey everything you want your mom and dad to know. Sorry to hear though that your parents have split recently. The only 'little' suggestion I would have is to try to gauge how your parents feel, in particular emotionally at this point, before you come out. Sometimes, when parents are under a lot of stress or if things happened that they are still dealing with in one way or another, it might have an impact on their 'initial' reaction. Even though they might be accepting and supportive, their reaction might not convey that because they are more preoccupied with all the other things that are happening around them, which might leave you disappointed or feeling that (and to borrow a phrase you used earlier today) 'something is missing'. But as for how to come out, it really depends on as to what you feel most comfortable with and appropriate. Try to look at all the pros and cons, and if you find one option to be best suited, take it.
That's tough to say, they don't talk much about it to be honest. I know things were rough near the beginning, particularly with the move-out and all that, but they decided on splitting the day before I left to go back to school, so I wasn't there for most of it. I think that now they're at a point where they're finding other happy things in their life... kinda putting the pieces back together. Thanks for the advice though guys, as always.
There is no single way dude. You'll find your own way. Some just say it/blur it out, others write out notes. I said "I'm like James Dean, Marlon Brando, Robert Downey Jr., Alexander the Great, Billie Jo Armstrong, etc. - I'm bi." Because I felt like I needed a build up into it showing how widespread it is. Kinda not as widely known as homosexuality. Then of course, had to specify liking girls more despite coming out. Bottom line, do whatever comes most naturally for you. I've found when it's time - you'll know how.
New question then: Does anyone regret the way they went about it? I feel like I'm preemptively regretting my choice of communication, and I haven't even done it yet..
Hey, if you don't have any serious worries about the fall-out, I would go straight to sophistication, and simply ask your mom for advice on appealing to guys. If she were to ask why, just point out matter-of-factly that you find them more desirable, and you think you'd be happier with a guy than with a girl. Phrase it in a manner that suggests that you are just observing things about yourself, not in a way that suggests you're trying to impose anything.
Nope, I don't have any regrets in the way I came out to my parents. I wrote a letter for them, however I ended up reading it to them. Thinking back about it, reading it to them was a good compromise between just giving them the letter and spending some time with a friend while they are reading it, and just talking about it. I was too nervous just to talk to them.
Actually, one regret that I have over my coming out was the fact that it consisted of me telling my mother, in a fit of annoyance, that she had intruded upon a private phone conversation between me and my boyfriend. Honestly, I think that has something to do with the fact that, although they never condemned my sexual orientation and were exceptionally supportive and polite from then on, they never wanted to have any kind of relationship with my boyfriend, know him or see him. I feel that I pushed them away, when I ought to have invited them to be a part of our intimacy. First impressions do last, I understand.
Like everyone said already, I don't think there is a "right" way to come out. You must simply find what feels comfortable to you and then go for it. Don't think about it too much, because it honestly doesn't matter I came out while in the middle of an argument with my mom. We were literally screaming at each other when I just simply said "I'M GAY!!! HAPPY?!" and that was that. The silence that came after was very awkward, but then we forgot the argument and talked about what had just happened. Or tried to talk about it... it was honestly the most awkward talk I have had in my life xD While it might have not been the best way to go about it by far, I don't regret doing it at all. Yeah, maybe I would have changed little things, but I know that if I hadn't done it right there and then, then I would have probably never done it at all. Also, two years after coming out and my parents are now as supportive as they can be. Even though I totally yelled it at them Go for it and don't think about it too much!
Well, I gave it some hard thought, and I think I'm just going to e-mail them. Weighing the options, I decided that it's more important (for me) to have all of them hear it at once than to tell them in person. Partly so that I only have to worry about all this one time (instead of three), partly because its quite possible I may not want to finish telling the others after telling one of them, partly so that they can't bicker over who got to know first, and partly so that I don't have to be there for any awkward initial reaction tension. Regardless, I think I'm going to draft a letter now... maybe I'll post it up before I send it off, if I get to that point. Thanks for the replies guys. Super appreciated.
Here's that draft. If someone could read over it and give me some suggestions, I'd appreciate it. As I was writing it I feel like I'm disconnected from it... like I'm narrating it almost, if that makes any sense. Maybe check for any important topics that I should be addressing that I missed too. Thanks guys, again. Spoiler Hey mom, dad, and <brother>, I've done some serious thinking lately (but more about that later), and I ended up deciding that the best way to go about this was by e-mail. You might be wondering why exactly it is I'm e-mailing you guys, but you quite possibly already suspected what I'm going to put down next. I'd like to consider this my official 'coming out', and let you all know that I'm gay. Now, before I say anything else, let me preface this with the idea that I really don't treat this like a big deal, and I hope that you don't either. I'm not going to go over every detail of this topic or my story in this e-mail, because even though I was too chicken to tell you face-to-face, I do want to talk about it with you at some point. So if you've got any questions, make a note of them, because I'm definitely willing to answer them. To put it really simply, I'd been giving this a lot of thought first year, particularly towards the end, and came to the conclusion that I was gay by the summer. The pressure of being closeted was really getting to me by that point (as my grades reflected), so I decided that I needed to do something about it. I came out for the first time over the summer, and progressively told more and more people as the school year went on. It became my goal to tell those important to me up in <school> first, because I wanted to be absolutely confident of myself before I told you guys. So, I worked my way through telling all my housemates and a couple other friends, and they all took it exceptionally well. I felt enough confidence to consider myself 'out' at university as of two weeks ago, since the important people up here now knew. Simply considering myself as 'out' for the last two weeks has done wonders for myself; I feel so much happier, and I don't really know why… I mean, it isn't like I suddenly found a boyfriend, or my grades suddenly skyrocketed, or that the rest of my problems were solved. Just having the ability to not feel like I was hiding while I was on campus made all the difference; in retrospect, I never truly realized just how much stress I was putting on myself by being closeted. I've decided that this feeling was worth overcoming my fears in coming out to you guys, which is why I'm telling you this now. And like I said up at the beginning, I really don't treat this like a big deal. I'm fine with being gay; it just means that I'm attracted to guys. Even throughout all my questioning I've never had a problem with being gay… all my worries were around coming out. And even amongst those coming out worries, I wasn't scared that someone wouldn't like that I was gay (because honestly, I couldn't care less what they're concerned with), I was worried that I would lose friendships in the process. A lot of these fears were very irrational, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to not have had to face any adversity so far in this process. I don't know if you guys are worried for me at all, since I guess this makes me part of a minority, but hopefully I can reassure you that there isn't anything to be worried about. Like I mentioned, I've had nothing but amazing support up here at school… even those who I thought would take it poorly surprised me and were quite okay with it. Additionally, I'm not stupid enough to put myself in a situation where I'm at risk of being hurt, because of my sexuality or otherwise. I'm also not exactly feminine or flamboyant, so I don't fall under the 'gay stereotype', and probably wouldn't be targeted for anything like that. And in case you're wondering, no, I haven't been sexually active (and if I ever would, I know how to be safe with that too). I'm not trying to be self-centered, but hopefully you guys can see that I have a good head on my shoulders and that I'd put my well-being first and foremost. Things have been rough for all of us (for different reasons) the last few years. Honestly, a large chunk of it was probably because I was distancing myself from everyone (not just you guys) while I was trying to figure myself out. It took a lot of time and effort, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I can honestly say that I've become a better, stronger person because of it. You guys need to know that I love you more than anything. I'm not always the best at showing it, and I'm not going to guarantee that's going to get any better now… but I'm sure this newfound feeling of being 'out' probably won't hurt any. The last thing I want to say in this e-mail is something I mentioned near the beginning; I still do want to talk with you guys about it. I promised myself (under the advice of some people who have been through this before) that if I was going to e-mail you guys that I needed to make sure I follow up and actually talk with you afterwards. Doesn't have to be long or anything, but I do want to talk; even if it's just a phone call. That said, I probably won't pick up the phone right away (since I don't have caller ID…), so reply to this, or send me a text or something to let me know that you got this and read through it. Then we can set up a time to call or whatever. Like I said, I don't treat this like a big deal at all, despite the mental effort it took to get to this point. This also hasn't really changed me a whole lot, so for the most part my life goes on the same way it did before. And remember, I love you guys, for better or for worse. Give me a shout when you get this please; talk to you soon. Love, ____
1) The parens in the first sentence doesn't bode well. It comes across as strained. 2) Actually, they might not be wondering at all why you are writing. They might be glad to hear from you, or they might assume you are asking for money, depending on the nature of your relationship with them. Instead of "you might be wondering," try "I would like to explain." Don't they teach the "I, not you" rule anymore? 3) If you are writing that much, it's obviously a "big deal" to you on some level. Being out of the closet is clearly a big deal, based on what you say later. 4) Consider trimming the third paragraph. It's your best one in most respects, but see where you can cut out fluff and stuffing. Consider moving some parts of it to elsewhere in the letter. 5) And it's not just you. You actually do sound detached, but this problem is normal. As a matter of fact, it's very rare for someone to take naturally to writing in such a candid manner. Consider Notsurewhy's lovely account of coming out to his doctor, here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/58702-so-i-told-my-doctor-other-day.html It takes serious guts to be this candid. No matter what you are saying, people can tell if you are writing or speaking from the heart, and it's really the hardest thing a writer can do. It's why most people can't write: most people are so guarded about themselves, they can't write on a personal level, and they are completely lost trying to write confessionally. It's not you. Writing the kind of stuff you are trying to write just really is that hard. Practically everybody clams up at first when trying to write this kind of stuff. Anyway, I hope you can work this out.
Amazing letter! Anything I would change Christiaan pretty much said above. I hope all goes well with you and your parents. I'm sure they'll be super supportive and accepting about it. (*hug*)
