The other day I was in the shower, and I remember looking down at my body, and imagining myself as I were another person peering at me and my body. And I was thinking about how wrong I look. I constantly get a sudden urge when I think about how I look as a boy, or look at the mirror, to rip my face off. I hate this. And I feel like ripping my skin and flesh off like it's just a costume of my real body. I don't feel right, and I already know the outcome of what would happen if I told my family I didn't want to be a boy anymore. They'd shun me, they'd belittle me, they'd think I'm stupid, or they'll just worry what everyone else under our family names will think. I just want to feel like me. I just want to feel full and real. But every time I try to come a little closer, someone has to comment, and belittle me some more. Since yesterday, I've had my nails painted red, which is my favorite color. Today an upperclassmen told me how moronic it was to paint my nails. Apparently the only color that's at all acceptable is black, and that's not much. People just keep telling me how bad I'm being. And all the while, I just keep thinking and getting angry that I can't rip off my skin and become a real girl. I've been thinking of hurting myself or getting myself sick just so I could have a chance to talk to my doctor without saying anything to my mother or whoever took me. I should add that I was more focused on finding someone sick than getting hurt. What should I do?
Hey there, I totally and completely understand how you feel about all of this, minus the wanting to be a girl part that is. I don't really know what to say to make you feel better but I'd like you to know that as frustrating as it is to feel misplaced somehow, you should remind yourself how good it is to know where you really belong, remember that not a lot of people can honestly say that to other people, let alone themselves. Please don't feel that hurting yourself is a good idea to go about this. If it's not unusual for you, maybe you could go see your doctor on account of you not feeling well rather than being physically unwell. Sometimes our circumstances feel suffocating only because we try not to breathe, it would do you good to give yourself some room to breathe. I hope this helps you in some way if even just to help you feel less distressed. :3
Hi there. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and that you don't seem to have any support. Have you considered talking to a teacher or a counseller at your school you you trust? They might have some suggestions as to what you could do next. Alternatively, as suggested above, maybe you could let your parents know that you're struggling with some emotional things and you'd like to talk to a professional about them. See what they say. In the mean time you're going to have to be patient with yourself. Hurting yourself isn't the answer, and there's nothing in the short term you can do to really change the way you are. You just need to hold onto the hope that going forward you'll figure out what makes the most sense for you and start to implement that plan. Know that you can always come here to share your frustrations and concerns. And you can contact any of the 'staff' members directly via a personal message if you have the need to reach out to someone.
Thanks, and I know there's nothing in short term I can do. But I don't know how I'll explain to my parents that I need psychiatric help, and we don't exactly have much money to spend on a shrink
Also remember people in high school are assholes. when you get to college, if you go to college, you can seek out others like you who are going through the same thing as you are. in the meantime, I second the advice to talk to a school counselor about these issues. you are not abnormal, just look around this board, there are plenty of people in your situation. and ignore the haters, its just their own insecurity that they're projecting on you.