1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I'm afraid they'll be mad for lying about being straight

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TexaCali, Mar 8, 2012.

  1. TexaCali

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2012
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Austin, Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm ready to come out to my friends. I came out to my family and they're all okay with it. My friends have good friends who are gay and I know they are actually perfectly fine with people being gay.
    But as long as I've known them I've been in the closet and let them think I'm into women. Sometime very soon I will find a chance to come out to them but my main worry is this: I know they will be upset that I didn't tell them sooner. They will feel like I'm a liar and will wonder "what else is he lying about?" "Why didn't he speak up? Doesn't he trust us?"
    Of course in everything else but being gay I'm honest to a fault. So it will be not so easy to tell them that I've been lying (and lying pretty damn good) about this.
    I guess if they're really my friends they'll get over it but these are people I really care about and I don't want to hurt them.
    Advice? Admonishments? Encouragement? Thank you!
     
  2. fyeahitsmichael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2012
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wichita Kansas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I would start off by telling them. You didn't have the strength to tell them at first. You were afraid of their reactions. Just let them know how you feel. I'm sure that if they are your real friends then they will understand.

    Hope things go well,

    FyeahitsMichael
     
  3. CrazyAntFarm

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2011
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland
    My best friend has been openly bisexual for over ten years, and I still lied to him for many years. When I did tell him, the only thing he wondered is why I didn't feel like I could come to him sooner, but he completely understood why.

    Everyone's battle with their sexuality is different. Differenct circumstances involving family, religion, culture, etc. could all play a hand in how soon someone is comfortable enough to come out. I'm sure your friends will understand especially since some of them already have gay friends already.
     
  4. Revan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Messages:
    7,850
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think just say their friendships meant a lot to you but you were concerned they might leave you if they found out. Or you know something along that line.
     
  5. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    I don't think I've heard ONE story here on EC about someone's friend being perfectly OK with them being gay but instead broke off their friendship because it took them too long to tell them.

    It doesn't happen.

    People understand that this is a complex, personal, and sometimes confusing and scary thing to deal with. They understand that it takes some people longer than others. They'll just be happy that you've come to terms with it and you're now ready to live an honest and authentic life. It will be fine.
     
  6. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    As others have said, this isn't something that happens much. I suppose it MIGHT, if you were rather flippant about it. "Guess what? I'm totally gay! Guess I really fooled you guys these last ten years, huh?" But I'm doubting that's what you'll do. You'll tell them something like "I've agonized over telling you this for years, but I think it's finally time for me to do it." Given that, I think they'll take it in the right context.

    Lex
     
  7. Mogenar

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    In a galaxy far far away.
    If they get mad, they aren't your friends. Not really. Real friends will understand and support you. If they claim that they're okay with people being LGBT then they will have no problem with you taking a while to tell them. They'll understand that you wanted to tell them, and that it's hard to.
     
  8. Lewnatic

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2010
    Messages:
    191
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Tbh, you've done the hardest part: telling your family. I found telling friends relatively easy. The female ones will probably be overly-welcoming and go all "gay best friend" mode on you, which is fine.
     
  9. secretguyX

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2012
    Messages:
    597
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Long Island
    I'm sure they'll understand. I actually apologized for not telling my friends sooner (because I didn't want it to seem as if I didn't trust them) but they completely understand that it's really hard to come out. They may wonder why you didn't, but I'm sure everything will be fine if you explain why.
     
  10. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I just dont think friends are like this, I think they understand its not that easy.
     
  11. TexaCali

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2012
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Austin, Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For all these people do for me and how much they care about me and like me, this is the only issue I have with them. The will really feel hurt that I couldn't trust them, it's how they are. I wonder sometimes if they're the best choices in friends and then they do some things that make me glad I'm their friend.
    I had cancer four years ago and they still tease me about it and call me "Cancer Boy." Which I've told them kind of hurts me still, and their reaction is that I'm being a "pussy" and need to "get over it" because they won't be quitting it anytime soon. And then they do something really awesome and caring for me. It's frustrating with these people. They're the best friends I've had in my life but sometimes they can be so mean... but then again I seem to be going through life with "FUCK WITH THIS GUY" written across my forehead.

    I suppose their actual reactions are what I should deal with, not my usual gut-wrenching worry about maybes and what-ifs. I kind of feel admonished here but I do often need someone to slap me out of my negative head space. Thank you everyone for that!
     
  12. greeneyes

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2011
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NY
    I understand being friends with a group of people for a long time and therefore being close with them, but I draw the line at "Cancer Boy."
     
  13. insidehappy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2012
    Messages:
    346
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Closetville, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    i feel like your sexuality if your personal issue and thing you need to get resolution on. so if you made them think you liked girls before because you were not ready to accept that you liked guys or that you did not want anyone to know about it, then who is to judge you for that. trust me, these same people have things going on in their life that they are not telling you about but it doesn't mean they are not having issues with them. does that mean that they are liars...no it doesn't. it just means they are keeping a side of themselves to themselves. the fact of the matter is, that you do not owe them any explanation. if you come out to them and they say "hey all this time i thought you liked girls and why didn't you just say you liked guys and tell us". you can just say, that you were working through this on your own and had to come to terms with it first before you felt ok to tell anyone else. if they still bust your chops over it, then these people aren't great friends to begin with.
     
  14. nydtc

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2010
    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York NY
    I am a little late to this thread but I was worried about the reaction to my years of lying. In retrospect, even mentioned the lying angle, most were worried that I went thru what was a painful thing by myself.
    I do have to agree with the other poster - if your friends are calling you CANCER BOY - it might be time for some new friends anyway!
     
  15. cscipio

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    310
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kansas City
    For what it's worth - I had the same concerns - because of that, here's how I covered that in my coming out conversations just a couple weeks ago:

    "...my sexual orientation has been, and still is, a very personal and confusing matter. I apologize for not telling you sooner; but, I've only recently been able to come to terms with myself - let alone another person..."

    It worked strikingly well 100% of the time.
     
  16. Maxis

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2012
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's exactly what I did when I came out to one of my friends once. They had asked, "why didn't you tell me sooner?"
    It worked perfectly. (!)
     
  17. malachite

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2009
    Messages:
    2,769
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Orlando
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    They'll understand, I felt the same way when I came out. Not damn thing changed.