I thought I already accepted myself as gay. But lately it seems that I haven't. Every time I see a straight couple, I wish that I could feel that way about a guy. I wish that I had the "normal" teenage relationship/crush problems. I wish that every time I saw a guy, I didn't look at him and wish I was attracted to him. And try to be attracted to him. Because I was okay with me being gay. I thought I was anyway. But the more and more sure of my sexuality I become, the less accepting of myself I become. I'm fine with other people being gay. I just would do anything I could to change myself, even though i know I can't. After telling my friend, who's completely okay with it, I feel even worse about who i am. How am I supposed to get over this feeling?
I'm no expert in this, but is there an LGBT center at your school? or an LGBT-related group/club/community center where you live? It might be good to meet other LBGT people in person, just so you know you're not alone in this. Also, being 13 is just rough in general. I think every 13 year feels alone and misunderstood (not that that helps, but I feel like most people would say that in retrospect). When you start meeting the right people (friends and more) I think things will smooth out. Also, no 13 year old girl wants to date a guy her age (due to maturity level differences), so every single girl regardless of sexuality is thinking this and wishing they were older and a couple in their 20s.
There's a GSA club in the high school, but I don't think I can go until I reach the main campus in 10th (i'm in 8th). I wish I could though, but I think I'd be too scared to go anyways. I guess you're right though. I do have great friends, and I know I could talk to them about this, but I don't really know how to.
Actually, this makes a certain kind of sense. Having accepted yourself, it's become very real and concrete for you, and now you're dealing with the idea of not having the normal life story that you've been told to expect for a long time. Also fits with telling your friend - another step that made it more real for you. I would definitely talk to someone about it - your friend, whom you already came out to, would be a great place to start. Also, try to keep in mind that many hetero couples don't even have the "normal story" - sometimes they can't have children, sometimes one of them can't find a job and it puts them in an awkward financial situation, sometimes their families are pressuring them to do certain things (kids, house, jobs, etc.), sometimes their families shun them because of various reasons (interracial couples, married someone from the "wrong family," etc.). So not many people have that typical story that you feel like you're missing out on - you can do without it too. And if you do want a house with a loving partner and kids and a dog and so on, who's to say that being gay should stop you?
Hi there! Is there maybe a friend that you could go with to the GSA Club? Sometimes, going with a friend can make it easier. Even if it is for students who are in grades 10 or higher, I would still give it a try. Maybe they don't mind it all that much. In terms of coming out to your friends, maybe just talk to them one by one. If you want to, and if you feel ready to come out, maybe take a friend aside at school or go for a walk, or grab a bite to eat, and try to talk to your friend. You don't have to label yourself when coming out. You could just say that you are questioning your sexual orientation and are trying to figure out what all your feelings mean, and where your attractions are. That in itself could already provide you with some relief and you would already start building up some support. Having friends with whom you can chat about things, or lean upon if and when you really need to, can make your journey easier on you.
