Hi everyone, this is my first post on Empty Closets. As you can probably figure out from my username, I'm a very secretive person (haha), and have never revealed any of my true feelings to anyone. I keep a private journal, but of course that doesn't compare to the support of actual human beings. I appreciate all of your advice. I am 19 year old college student who is completely confused about his sexual orientation. Here's my brief back story: Firstly, I'm a virgin. But I've been with a woman before, and enjoyed it. I would definitely want to experience that again. However, I can't deny that I'm somewhat attracted to men, and telling myself I would never hook up with a guy would be a complete lie. For obvious reasons, I'd label myself as straight; I think, though, that a stranger can definitely think I'm gay. I'm not very effeminate, but more so than the average guy. Better yet, I wouldn't call myself "macho." Recently my college roommate and good friend came out to me. I wasn't entirely surprised. I was, however, shocked when he revealed how sexually active he was. And to my horror, I began to feel jealous...of both him (I'm not sexually active currently) and his partner(s). After hours of thinking—and maybe a bit of fantasizing—to myself, I concluded that I may have feelings for him. May. Perhaps they're just feelings of friendship (intensified by living together), and my feelings of jealousy are mere reactions to me being protective. In any case, I'm confused. I don't think I want to have a romantic relationship with him. Heck, I don't even know if he likes me. And double heck, I'm not even sure if I'm gay or bisexual. Being involved will totally compromise the friendship we've made, which though recent, is pretty strong. My question: how would I go about finding out if he's interested in perhaps a friends with benefits kind of deal? I know that's really unhealthy, but if I were ever going to hook up with a guy, I'd want someone I know and trust to be my first. Finally, is there any way for me to stop being jealous? Ever since he explained to me that he's hooked up with guys before, I can't help but believe that's all he's doing. Thanks, all.
There is one thing we can say for certain: You are, lets say, "not-straight". The fact that you like men, fantasize about them, and even can see yourself with one suggests you are not, and contradicts the idea completely. That said, Remember that sexuality is not something definite, it is a spectrum, and the more you get in touch with yourself, and your feelings, your place on that spectrum will become more clear. As you also get more in touch with yourself, you will find allot of things you do not like. Things that you will deny, ignore, and try to stay away from. That is ok, but try and remember that those things are all part of accepting, and you have to go through those things to truly love yourself. There are 5 stages to loss (in this case, the loss of your straight identity) -Denial: I am not gay, cant be gay, and wouldnt even imagine such a reality. -Anger: I cant be fucking gay, what the hell, Im a freak, who made me like this?! -Bargaining: I liked a girl once, I masturbate to men, only really think about men, but I still want to be married and have kids like my parents one day, so maybe I am bi. -Grief: I am gay, nobody will like me, or accept me, and I will be alone and closeted forever. -Acceptance: I am gay, and I am ready to move on and start my life. I think I need to come out. (point at which you truly come out to yourself) This all seems very confusing now, but I can probably bet that within the next year or two you will feel much better about yourself, and will laugh about this. You've come a long ways already. Like you said, you dont open up to anybody, especially about personal things like this, and you have done that to millions of people on the internet. That has to really be big for you. Good job! We will be here for you, and give you the support and love you deserve!
I actually really agree with you about the "spectrum" thing. I don't think anyone can be 100% anything, because it's not something that can be measured, or discerned. Or in other words, I don't believe in labeling myself; referring to yourself as "straight" or "gay" makes your sexual preference finite, when in most cases it's not. Also, I didn't really put my post in that perspective (opening up to millions of people on the Internet). Although it's a relief, I'm actually now wanting to delete this thread. Just don't think I'm trying to delude myself; I already confessed to my roommate that I'm "curious," and I'm not going to officially declare anything until I act on my curiosity. I don't necessarily think that people who are willing to experiment with the same sex are "non-straight."
Dont get confused with orientation and preference. Thats where things get sticky. Orientation is essentially how you are set up, and where you fall under that spectrum, and preference is what you choose to do. You can be gay, and still have sex with women, because that what you convince yourself to do. What you will find is that people when they get more in-touch with themselves they will commonly fall under one side of the spectrum more then the other. That is why people identify as gay, bi, straight, or whatever. And labels dont have to bad thing, remember that. And take all the time you need, there is no rush. We dont expect you to jump to any conclusions yet.
You may just be interested because he came out (this has been my own personal experience). Also, he might be the best candidate as the first person you talk to about this. He went through it, and you're close. Also since he's had experience he may have good advice and also know how to give you some more experience without outing yourself (since it sounds like he did that).
i don't think you are straight, anymore than i can truly believe i am either. this is an amazing process we are entering, with opportunities to explore who we really are not what we were raised and indoctrinated to believe. keep asking the hard questions of knowledgable gay supportive people, and every time your thoughts get in the way of your identity search verbally say i allow this to happen. the word allow has helped me push aside my inhibitions that prevent my growth and frees my body for accepting the gift of pleasure when it comes. i am seeking my identity too, think i may have found it, and am now contemplating what is my next natural step towards the eventual day i must come out to those i know. it is scary. i will lose many friends, gossip will fly, and most will say duh i have known you were kind of queer for years. i am not stupid, i am just slow admitting this because religion has been holding me back. but it is getting more strong, my urges, and i want to be free to be who i really am. i used to think it was a choice and now i am thinking if it was it no loner is, as my mind and body are consumed with a need to be honest and express myself. i am afraid i will blurt out my natural nature before i have it all ready. i can't let my family know. my mom once said my morality has kept her from going lesbian, which makes me more fear what she will do when i, if i, switch genders. i really envy anyone who had the operation, as they can be their real gender now. i can't be straight. i am just confused like others and am taking steps towards my acceptance of the bisexuality that makes me me. i now realize gayness is good. it is beautiful, as well as sexy. photos of gay lovers kissing used to make me say it was gross and immoral. now i saw two and my instant thought was oh how cute and sweet they look so in love what a happy couple. wow, what happening? i have compassion for all homosexuals now too, coming out being needed and hard, as i am awakening to the fact that i have gay gene too, if i am born this way. am i? was i born different, halfway gay?
Well, the reason you feel this way is because of your own personal feelings toward the matter, it may also be part of the bargaining stage, telling yourself that everyone is "a little gay." To me it sounds as though you are a bisexual if you enjoyed being with a woman. I can definitely confirm people can be 100% in their orientation, as I am 100% gay. The idea of being with a woman turns me off, I find the whole concept absolutely repulsive, maybe I could emotionally be attracted to a woman, but I can say for sure never could I psychically be with a woman. While people will say that labels are unimportant, I beg to differ. I would much rather be labelled gay as it notifies others, so if any others are labelled gay it will generally be easier to find a partner. Without labels everything becomes a guessing game, which I hate.
Definitely be careful with the hooking-up-with-friends-because-they're-there thing. I've destroyed several friendships that way. What usually happens is that one person, regardless of what they feel at the beginning, start wanting more than friends with benefits, and the other person doesn't.
i am kinda happy everyone is not only a little the same here, but also so different. it would be a boring world if we all were alike, and i guess what and who we like is fine different too. i would have a year ago agreed with Zaio that being with the opposite sex the idea of it made me repulsed. but then that person i met made me confused, and for 1st time in my life i would have been happy and willing to do it hetero. life really is messing with my mind.
