I feel like I am too old for this :/ uhg. anyway. I have had a lot of boyfriends, when all I have ever really wanted was a girlfriend. I think maybe why it's taken me so long just to question myself is because I have always been sooo different. I am an INFP type personality. I think I read someplace that it's normal for you children to experiment with their sexuality and everything, I was just remembering I was like 7 years old or something like that. so the girl across the street from me was my "first girlfriend" sounds silly. I recently found out that she died sort of unexplained to me, I was shocked to find this out over a year after she passed. I have not dealt with any of the feelings I have about this. after grade school I wouldn't talk to her for fear of people knowing what we did together. I don't feel right about it at all. I don't know how to grieve for her.
How long ago did you hear about your childhood friend? In some cases, the grieving process is a little slower to start or choppy, but it'll usually come. Also, children do experiment. Some people might disagree, but I think it's usually innocuous even if it's not news you want to spread around because it is very personal. Children are curious, and children are strange. I think we've all done some things we wish weren't in the family photo album or even our memories.
I think there was a time when I felt shameful of the memories, but not any more. I only wish I could have been a better friend to her.
It will probably take some time for you to work through all the emotions you're experiencing after your friend's death. I hope you are able to forgive yourself for feeling that you weren't a good friend to her. You were in a position where you clearly weren't ready to face your own reality, and it's understandable that you might have pushed her away because of that. Maybe you could try visualizing yourself sitting down with her and telling her everything you wish you had said before she died. Describe to her the emotions and the pain you were going through. Maybe in doing this mental exercise you can start to feel more compassion for yourself. You might also want to consider talking to a grief counsellor.
