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Confused thoughts?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Anonymous123, Mar 10, 2012.

  1. Anonymous123

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    I'm still debating my sexuality... I know that in person I do not find women sexually desirable. But the thoughts of it does not bother me. Is that still gay? I don't want to be with them. I don't like them sexually, but I can think about sleeping with them and will not get grossed out. In some thoughts I'm even aroused by that.
    Porn involving women is arousing to me also (maybe I am just telling myself that, to retain the only "straightness" left in me.)

    I could barely sleep with the girls I have in the past. I was so unaroused in person that I could barely get it up.

    I think what I'm debating is a "gay scale" on what is and isn't gay. I know there is the kinsey scale -- but I'm asking more on a personal experience from people who have understood their sexuality longer than I have.

    What do you consider straight or borderline straight? What are your thoughts on women/confused thoughts?

    Their are straight men who have gay fetishes (in pornography) could is also be vice versa?
     
  2. Ridiculous

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    It's much easier to define your sexuality by what you do like, rather than what you don't. This thread and your last one seems to focus on women : how do you feel about men?

    It doesn't sound like you are particularly interested in women (the idea of sex with a woman, maybe, but it doesn't sound like you are attracted to the woman that would be involved). So.. you can't really call yourself straight, or even bisexual, as both of these require an attraction to females.


    Personally, I'm not attracted to women, but this doesn't mean I am disgusted by them. If I see a naked woman I'm usually just indifferent. I can recognise when a woman is attractive, but this doesn't mean I want to have sex with them any more than I want to have sex with a good looking painting, car, or some other thing I find beautiful.
    Basically, being gay doesn't equal "women disgust me," it equals "men attract me."

    However... I can think of a very few select females who I am kind of attracted to. Actually, only one that I can name: Emma Pierson's character in Hotel Babylon. I can't stretch this single attraction far enough to say I am 'borderline gay' or have 'straight fetishes', though, because it is simply one person. One woman isn't enough to say I'm attracted to women, especially when I'm attracted to so many more men.
    I think most people have an exception like this when it comes to their sexuality, but exceptions are just that: rare differences from the norm.


    In essence, you're straight if you are attracted to women and not to men. Bisexual if you are attracted to both to some degree. If you aren't attracted to women, you aren't straight: you're either gay or asexual.
     
  3. Anonymous123

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    I'm VERY attracted to men. But my problem is identifying with the term "gay" and accepting myself as that. When I think about my future romances/sexual flings/flirts I only see myself with men.

    Its funny you mention that one woman attracts you. I guess its the same in my case. I am only aroused by that "one type" of woman. One that resembles a woman I know. In person I am not attracted to her, but subconsciously she must have left some type of significance. (maybe a motherly attraction I don't know... I never really had a mother. Maybe this is the cause)

    "Personally, I'm not attracted to women, but this doesn't mean I am disgusted by them. If I see a naked woman I'm usually just indifferent. I can recognise when a woman is attractive, but this doesn't mean I want to have sex with them any more than I want to have sex with a good looking painting, car, or some other thing I find beautiful."

    ^ I think that about summed up my last "confused thoughts"

    Thanks :icon_bigg
     
  4. Chip

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    Hey, welcome to EC, if I haven't welcomed you already :wink:

    I think what you're dealing with is the stages of loss (in this case, loss of your identity as straight), which are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    Basically you're sort of bargaining with yourself right now: "OK, so I admit I like guys, but maybe there's a girl or two out there for me and I can still end up in a straight relationship, with a house with a white picket fence and 2.3 kids and a wife."

    For many of us, as we get closer and closer to full acceptance, our unconscious throws up all sorts of (increasingly unrealistic and outrageous) excuses about why we might *not* be gay as a sort of last-ditch effort to stave off just accepting it -- and that's part of what comprises the bargaining phase. But eventually, that gives way to acceptance, and, usually, the acceptance of the grief that comes with acknowledging the loss of who we previously identified as, and the rebirth, if you will, of who we actually are.

    So I don't think, from anything you've said, that you're straight, or even really bi. But... my guess is you probably already really do know that, just aren't quite ready to own it yet. And give that time... it will come around. There's no rush :slight_smile:
     
  5. Anonymous123

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    @Chip
    Thank you for the warm greeting! Between this and my last post (and reading through a lot of posts here) I can honestly say that I am gay.

    Its still a new feeling accepting this... and it will be a while before I can come out to anybody. I do understand that all the confusion I've been having is just second guesses and "hopes" that I wasn't.

    Thank you both for the helpful words, its taken a lot of stress off my shoulders understanding that these feelings and thoughts are normal :grin: