So here is the issue, i got this buddie, and back in about january we started to get really close. It started with things like one day he sent me a "out of the blue" text message telling me how great of a friend i am and how he really appreciates my friendship. From there a few days later he told me just as a buddy he was like "i love you dude". Now he doesnt know that I am gay, and the word love means a lot to me. From that point we both started to tell each other we that, it would usually be like in a text or something simple just like " alright dude im going to sleep, i love you man, night." and then from there was another time where we were both drunk and we just layed on his bed (nothing sexual) and just talked for 3+ hours. Then came valentines day, he asked me to be his valentine at 12:01 am and he did it in a text kinda just kidding around but he still did it. Now he is my best friend and he is one of the greatest ppl i have ever met. Needless to say I have fallen in love with him. Well i am 100% sure he is straight and does not love me in that way, and i realize the difference between loving someone, and being in love with someone. Basically i need to find a way to move on from him, this is very hard because he is my best friend, and the only way i know i could move on is if i exiled him, but i dont wanna lose a friend as good as him. He has just started to talk to a girl, and it kills me, and i mean KILLS me to see him go hangout with her. I dont know what to do, he want to be my best friend, he trys so hard to be there for me, when were with each other im so happy, when im at home and he goes to hang with her im in tears. Is there a way to get my feelings to be strictly friendship with him. Please help!
Not to feed the fantasy here, but if he's telling you he loves you when he goes to sleep, lays around talking to you (in bed) for hours, and is asking you to be his valentine...how conclusive IS this evidence that he's hetero? I realize I don't know him, but I'm almost inclined to say that he's staging this to make you jealous and draw some sort of confession out of you. In any case, I think the most reasonable way to resolve things is to come out to him. I don't know what kind of a position you're in, whether that's something you think you can do or not, but if this is causing that big of a rift in your friendship, that would be the easiest way to clear things up. Something along the lines of, "I don't know how you mean all this, but when you do these things this is how I take it, so if that's not how you mean it you should probably stop." You could, of course, just ask him to stop without coming out to him, but this runs the risk of him thinking that you're hetero and you're turning down his (only very slightly concealed) gay advances. If total honesty and friendship is what you're going for, then he may deserve to know the rest. Feel free to fill in more about the situation, but otherwise good luck! I hope you can find a way to work it out.
i get what your saying, but I dont think that is why he is doing it, i think I am just so goofy that thats why he was saying it, it was just him joking around. Idk if i can come out to him, ive not really come out to myself. Ive talked to my parents about it and theyve let me know that they will love me no matter what. Its just really tough i wanna keep this friendship, but i dont wanna feel this way.
I suppose, but goofiness still seems like not enough to get the average guy to start hitting on you like that, even if it's not serious. So what makes you think he's actually hetero? First of all, congratulations on talking to your parents, I think that's a huge step already. If you don't want to come out to your friend, then is there a certain level that you can admit to him that might get him to see that you don't want him to say this? You could just tell him it's making you uncomfortable, which is true. How do you think he would take any kind of news that you were gay, or that you were into guys?
TLM, I kind of agree with Gravity here. It all sounds very homoromantic, and definitely steamy. Then again, this is also through your lens, and not his. Why place expectations on this situation? Why not just continue enjoying it, and see if he initiates anything? Maybe you could suggest going on a ski/snowboard trip, surf trip, camping, or whatever is relatively "normal" for guys to do together in your area.
@Gravity for some reason i think he would still accept me, idk if things would change even a little tho and i dont want that. I think he is hetero because he tells me he likes women and he is attracted to women. @cyanyst i know it is through my eyes, but a lot of our conversation take place in texts and i am reading you those as anyone would, word for word. Idk why we would take a trip? and the only reason i dont wannna let it continue is it causes me heart ache to see him go hang with this girl.
I don't want to be the antagonist; but, in my coming out to my best friend who loves me dearly, says it, hugs me, grabs my ass, blows in my ear, et cetera....it's just grab ass. When I finally came out to him just a few weeks ago he was absolutely 100% without a doubt solid cool with it......but it was just grab ass. After coming out, he still behaves that way because we love eachother - as best friends. People joke about us being gay - most of them have no idea that I really am which makes it hilarious to us. I'm just saying that some people are so confident in their sexuality that they're comfortable with being 'soft'. Your friend may be a lot like mine. As far as losing your friend by pushing him away? Then don't. It's just up to you to put it out of your head. Your future is what you make it, if you don't want to lose the friendship then that starts with you not pushing him away and instead accepting the quality of friendship that you have for what it is. I kind of had a crush on my best friend before I came out to him. When I finally came out to him, I was in rough shape; but, once I realized that he accepted me 100% for who I am and we continued life as we knew it (honestly) the crush kind of disappeared. I think it's because we were finally able to talk about it - face to face...I don't know. Anyhow, sorry to ramble - I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can have your best friend, be out, and be happy - it starts with how you approach the situation. C
It sounds like you're taking a very realistic approach to this which is good- alot of people grab at the smallest sign in hopes their interest might be able to reciprocate their feelings. However- you guys sound really really close and if you think he'll accept you, I think you shouldn't feel bad about sharing this side of yourself with him. I'd be lying if I said things won't be a little different- I still have a few male friends who are a little off with me- but with most of the guys I know, after initial awkwardness things essentially went back to normal. Lots of people on this forum have had crushes on straight friends- there was one guy I was pretty close to last year before I was 'out'. While I was insanely into him, it was very clear that he wasn't into guys, and I did my best to try and just be happy for him getting a girlfriend etc. It sounds like you really care about your friend- but in all honesty it doesn't sound like you have compatible orientation (and if you do the only way to clarify this is to tell him about your sexuality), and as such if this girl makes him happy, just try to be glad he has that. I know this is downer advice, but as I said you seem able to keep a realistic perspective on the situation, so I'm trying to give the most pragmatic advice that I can. Good luck.
i'm gonna echo what cscipio said. there are some hetero guys that will do anything just to play grabass. One of my very close friends will do exactly as cscipio says and sometimes go as far as kissing me and other guys. originally it took awhile for me to come out to him as i did have feelings for the guy. but after doing so nothing changed for me or in how he acted. in my experience the guys who are comfortable enough with their own sexuality to play grabass with you are going to be the ones who accept you the most, because i never even had an awkward moment with any of them. I was able to just be myself around them and they were immediately cool with it. So i don't think you should worry about losing your friend just because of your sexual orientation he will likely accept you for who you are.
Ah I feel for you man. Maybe you should consider telling your friend how you feel about him. I know that sounds hard, but if you really trust him, I'm sure he'll be able to understand. He might like you back. You never know.
You are telling me. He honestly felt bad too. To him, it was just 'shower room antics' if you will. To me, it was a whole lot more. ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2012 at 08:23 PM ---------- Oh, TLM21512, I should say - My friend and I spent the majority of today together. When he finally went home to be with his wife and 4 beautiful children, I was a bit jealous. Just a bit. It's human nature to be. The scientific mind in me wishes I had a 100% straight clone only to have a benchmark to measure against. Your feelings are something that you have to understand and come to terms with for yourself or you'll consume yourself in it. I'm saying this because I don't want to say it's super easy to be like us and have (deep) feelings for a closest friend in a way that can't be returned. I'm not implying "deal with it" or "cope" - I'm implying "understand yourself" and I'm pretty sure that you'll be on a road to retaining a best friend, accepting his mate, and being a best friend. Hope that makes sense.
I guess the hardest part for me to accept is this. I can live with him not being in love with me and being straight. But i still have the feelings for him, and right now with him spending some time (very little time to be honest he spends the majority of his time with me) with this girl. when he goes over there at night, i know that i will see him the next day, its just tares me apart knowing that he is with her, its just pure jealousy i guess that i cant get over.
I would say just give it some time, there is really nothing else you can do. Unless you want to tell him how you feel, which I do not recommend in this situation. If possible I think it is best to just tell yourself that he is straight unless he tells you otherwise, and because of that you cannot be romantically involved with him. So it is best just to let it go and just consider him a friend. This is a good skill to have because this will probably not be the first time in our life that you will deal with this conflict. Hope this helped a little.
