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Someone please help me figure this out...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RemyLeBeau, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. RemyLeBeau

    RemyLeBeau Guest

    I think I've mentioned this before, but I have this totally amazing girlfriend whom I love very much. I dunno if this is TMI or not, but we are both extremely cuddly people. Like, we sat on a couch for hours holding each other like there was no tomorrow and slept in a similar manner. The next morning, I woke up to her kissing my shoulder (which was pretty freaking awesome).

    Fast forward, I was in the middle of kissing, biting, whatever, around her neck and her ear (which she apparently enjoys, honhonhon). Hell, I even kissed up her arm. Up until just then, I was running on a weird lusty passion thing (wasn't gonna really go all that far anyway but was still fun).

    So I made the stupid mistake of making eye contact and fell into this weird affectiony state. Suddenly I wanted to check and make sure she knew I loved and cared for her, so I leaned in an gave her a soft kiss on the lips, which I figured would be okay. I mean, the ABOVE was happening.

    Mind you, I do have Asperger's. I cannot read body language whatsoever (and I don't have any "gaydar"). All of the above was a first for me. Usually I do not like being in charge, so kissing her was a huge step for me.

    Naturally, it also ended up being my imagined worst case scenario. She flinched away super quick and I jumped off of her in a panic. She rolled over and started crying. I was suddenly worried I hurt her or I had bad breath somehow, so I started poking her in the arm asking what was wrong. She didn't reply, and I apologized a million times and went on to ramble about something stupid like the weather. Finally she calmed down and we went back to our thing, but WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?

    I STILL cannot ask her without upsetting her. She says it was her, not me, but I've heard that before. She refuses to talk about it.

    What did I do to her? Why is it that we can freaking "sext" each other, talk about naughty things casually, talk about what we'll name our children, but me just saying, "Can I kiss you next time your here?" terrifies her? I know she loves me, and I love her enough that I don't push her any more than she wants, but why?!

    Yes, this is petty and ridiculous, but it bothers me that I ruined our first kiss together (and my first kiss ever). It's not like I wanted her to make out, I just wanted to give her a kiss...

    Alright, I've embarrassed myself enough for the day. :icon_redf
     
  2. stupidIvan

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    She's probably afraid of that level of affection for some reason. I'm afraid of kisses, because I'm afraid of becoming attached. She may have her own reason, similar to mine or not, don't press her about it. That is a very personal thing that she will tell you about when she is ready to. As your partner, you've gotta respect her on that! Trust her to tell you, because that's what you do I think?? You trust your girl to trust you.

    Just. Be patient. Don't think about it too much, and (as hard as it may be) don't kiss her I suppose? Just respect her reasons and space. Sorry to sound kind of mean by the way. :::: (
     
  3. RemyLeBeau

    RemyLeBeau Guest

    I've already told her I was going to wait for her to make that move. As much as I really want to, I'm scared of hurting her again, so I will wait.

    I don't understand how a innocent kiss could cause so much drama. But I won't pressure her about telling me what's wrong...
     
  4. Lexington

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    Relax. What you did was normal. How she responded was unexpected. And she probably can't even put into words what she's feeling. (Feel free to peruse this area of EC looking up all the "GAH! I don't know how I feel!" posts.) So let's just make it clear.

    * She still likes you. :slight_smile:
    * She doesn't mind cuddling and kissing elsewhere besides the lips.
    * Tell her "Whenever you feel comfortable with it, feel free to kiss me on the lips. I won't push things that way." Then, get back to the kick-ass snugglebunnies. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. TheAMan

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    For some reason, she seems to struggle having such a high level of affection for you. She's right as it is her and not you. She probably hasn't come to grips with liking girls yet. Give it time and she'll come around.
     
  6. RemyLeBeau

    RemyLeBeau Guest

    This part made me smile. Reminds me of the "cuddle muffins" I made up.

    It's still frustrating she won't talk to me, but I'm sure she'll come around eventually. And she'll be home on Friday, so yaaay!
     
  7. RemyLeBeau

    RemyLeBeau Guest

    I know why now. She told me by her own will just now. My poor sweet baby. I cannot stop sobbing. I think I'm gonna puke...
     
  8. stupidIvan

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    I'm very sorry it's an awful reason, but the fact that she trusted you and told you is a step forward in a better direction. Best of luck to both of you.
     
  9. RemyLeBeau

    RemyLeBeau Guest

    It had been bugging her for weeks now. It wasn't her fault or mine, but I guess I triggered bad memories when I kissed her on the lips. She thought I would leave her for what happened, which I told her was ridiculous. But she feels a lot better now because I said I would be very patient with her, so I will resist the urge to kill a certain somebody and take care of my araƱita.

    Dammit I'm crying again.