Thoughts?

I normally don't go public with problems like this but I really don't know what to do, and there's a lot on the line here. On Friday I got into a huge argument with my sister and we're not on speaking terms at the moment. Everything that has gone unsaid between us up to this point has spilled over. The argument totally escalated out of control. This is a bit long, so thanks to anyone who sticks with it.

After I got my internship my mentor got my sister an internship of her own at a halfway house. A week ago one of our probationers at the house she works in commented on one of her statuses that I was tagged in on Facebook, which isn't allowed. We can't fraternize with the probationers, period. I made her delete it and I told my mentor about it, who told my sister's boss, and then her boss wrote up the offender that did it. When I told my sister that I said something about it she freaked out and said that I was stealing her thunder because she wanted to tell them herself and do some "investigating" to find out who smuggled the phone used to get on Facebook into the house (offenders aren't allowed to have internet access) which sparked the fight between us.

She said that I didn't have any right to criticize an offender for breaking rules since I'm still technically underage and a party monster, and then she said that I'm out of control and totally different, and that she doesn't really want to talk to or see me anymore because of my best friend who I spend all of my time with. My best friend is sort of dating my mentor because I set them up together, so it's complicated. My sister is really angry about it, because she hates my best friend with a fierce passion, and threatened to go to my mentor with information about things and people my bestie and I have done and hung out with in the past that isn't so flattering.

I cut my sister off and said that if it came down to it I would tell her boss about some of the things she's doing, things that would absolutely get her fired. I have to be vague, but let's just say that any given workday at the house could potentially be her last one because of it. At some point she will be found out and totally ruin all of the work we've done over the last three years over something unbelievably stupid, and in the process it will reflect badly on me and my mentor because we're the ones that recommended her. I told her before she even got this internship to stop, and she said she did, but when I saw her last I could tell that she's lying to me. When I met her boss last week he told me this wildly convoluted backstory that my sister told him that isn't true whatsoever. So she lied to him too and I had no choice but to play along with it, and I hate her for that.

Communication has totally broken down between us, and now we have these threats hanging over our relationship and she's ruining everything that we've worked for with her lying. It gets even more twisted because right after this semester is over I'm moving into an apartment with my best friend, which my sister doesn't know about yet, and I know she's going to completely rage when she finds out. I'm starting to get really worried that we're growing apart in a big way and I don't want drive a wedge between us and lose her like my brother who is completely estranged from me. My sister is like the twin I never had. If anyone has any advice or perspective, that would be great...

 

tbh i think communication was lost long ago, especially if you have been letting her get away with many things, i mean holding threats against each other like black mail LOL, brothers and sisters do that all the time, i think things will cool off, with time, it always does, hopefully sooner than later, and when that time comes i think its good to resolve some problems

 

I think one of the problems here is that you're both fighting fire with fire. She's threatening you and insulting you while you're also threatening her in regards to her job. I think one of you is going to need to be more level headed and initiate a really good heart to heart conversation. Basically, a conversation where both of you can say the things that have been bothering you and not get too heated up about it. Maybe if this is too hard, you can both write it out and then read it to each other with the implicit agreement that you will both not freak out and both will listen to each other carefully. You've said here how much you love your sister and I think that you should let her know how important she is to you. It might calm her down and let her be more understanding.

It seems very strange that your sister would harbor so much resentment towards your best friend. Could he be the underlying reason for your sister's outburst? As he is your best friend, I think you should let your sister know as politely as possible that your best friend is an important part of your life just like she is an important part of your life too. I really don't know the backstory between your sister and your best friend but maybe you could also let your best friend know to be calm and stay at a distance whenever your sister is around.

So in summary, no more threats, try having a calm chat, and explain to her how much you love her and how important she is to you. Sorry if it wasn't too helpful but I wish you the best of luck Keep us posted!

 

There's no point trying to salvage a relationship that isn't healthy (isn't honest, isn't supportive, isn't pleasant) just because the person is your sister. It could just be that it's time to move on and build your own circle of friends.

I'd just let it go and see if it blows over. Perhaps you should be doing some damage control in advance of this horrible secret being discovered about your sister - because you don't want her stupidity to create a bad situation for you.

Lesson to be learned here is be very careful about who you recommend or endorse. Their performance really does reflect back onto you.

 

My sister was in track during high school and so was my best friend at the time, who is a girl, and they got a little too competitive with one another if you know what I mean. They actually used to be friends but there was a really messy incident at prom that pretty much just totally killed that, and I've been riding the fence between them ever since then. I actually had to break up a fight between them once in our English class during our junior year.

..and yes, our friendship has been a big part of the problem for the last few months because my bestie and I have gotten even closer, we've practically escaped death together. My sister and I agreed to not bring my bestie or the things I do with her up in conversation anymore quite some time ago, and it annoys me because I literally spend nearly every weekend, practically every other day, with my best friend. When my sister asks me what I've been doing recently I feel like I can't tell her anything at all.

As sad as it makes me I really think we've hit an impasse where neither one of us is willing to make any more concessions for each other's feelings. This is the worst our relationship has ever been, and I can't see it getting any better. Jim is probably right, it's just really frustrating and upsetting because something almost exactly like this happened between my brother and I a few years ago and our relationship still hasn't recovered, and I come from a pretty distant family as it is.

Anyone have any advice on how to break the apartment news to her? Or should I even bother telling her at all at this point? That worries me more than anything else because I know it's going to be just like this if not even worse.

 

(*hug*) I'm sorry to hear that Kidd. It sucks that it has to come to this. Hopefully as your sister gets older she will mature and realize how silly these fights are. I would say only tell her about the apartment thing if you really want to or think it might be beneficial for you to tell her. At this point, you really don't owe her any more explanations so just focus on what you want to do and what will make it easiest for you to let this relationship go.

 

Well, in any case, threats and counter-threats aren't going to help anymore. In the end, it wasn't the huge stockpiles of nukes that ended the Cold War either.

I'm guessing, that, if at all possible, the only way to reconcile is to take back some of the threats you made (it's not as if she doesn't know you still know all that stuff about her), apologise for the harsh words, and hope that she does the same (eventually), after which relations should normalise.

If that happens, your best way of keeping them normal are to not engage in fights. Just flat-out refuse to do so. If she's angry, then apologise for hurt feelings, and ask what you could have done differently (or explain why you think you couldn't act other than how you did). If she starts shouting and threatening, then in no way shout or threaten back. Shouting never helps, and neither does threatening (it's usually just so much idle posturing). If she refuses to calm down, suggest you talk again when she's calmer and remove yourself from the situation.
Hopefully, once she finds out she can't get her way by threatening and arguing, she'll try a more civilised way.

Which is also how you want to break the news of the appartment. Just mention it, as a service announcement. Mention your friend precisely once, so she knows, but don't go into detail. And if she decides to go aggressive, then you just end the discussion then and there: you're telling her, nothing more.

Okay, I'm sounding like a bad Ghandi rip-off here, but I do think nonviolence and non-escalation is the key here. Eventually, she'll see that fighting isn't going to change anything (or even grant her righteous indignation if you refuse to fight), and after that, you might just be able to find a way to fix this nasty secret of hers, instead of dangling it over her head.

If the above isn't an option... then I am afraid Jim is right. Sometimes, no relationship is better than a broken one, even with family.