I'm tired of all this... I swear i'm going to be honest with this post and try to see past the confusion. I hope to god this is the last post i post on the subject. Please, please comment... I'll try to word this simply. I'm attracted to men but absolutely terrified of them. The thoughts of "being" with them is frightening. At the same time, i can get turned on by straight porn. Sometimes, when i masturbate, i can fantasize that, well, a penis (or penis like object...) is going inside me (ugh i know this is awkward) and can get even more turned on by that. In the past, i havent wanted to date any guy and even when I had a crush on one (okay, so its only been one or two guys) i would feel something pulling me back.. i originally thought this was just nerves, but i dont know now. Sometimes I can see myself getting turned on by a real guy...and that terrifies me. Let me just say that i've never been abused by anyone, so it doesnt make sense that i'm this panicky about it. Girls? i can fantasize about them to no end. It seems so effortless. I have had a lot of feelings for them, but honestly most of the time they seem so fleeting. I can have a crush on a girl, but sometimes i feel as if i'm willing it into existance. Does that make sense? As if i didnt think about it, it would disappear. Other times the feelings seem very permanent and i dont have to think about anything for a fantasy to pop into my head. I feel much more comfortable with girls and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with one. Most important, i think, is when i fantasize about dating one i feel so blissful. With a guy, i will uncomfortable and stressed, but i feel like i am attracted to them... i feel like i could have sex with one and maybe enjoy it. I feel like i could possibly fall in loe with one. But, then, i seem to have blurred the boundries between friendship and romantic love quite a bit. Even with girls. My head is a mess, you see. Any advice? I believe I am desperate...
Don't worry, everyone goes through a confusing stage. It seems that you definitely are attracted to girls, and could fall for one, just some you have more feelings for then others. It's hard to say since I'm not you, but I'm pretty sure I've had similar feelings about guys. I realized that I was trying to force liking guys on myself, because it is "normal" in society, and I desperately wanted to be straight or bisexual. I still think some guys are hot, but I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with one. I've had crushes on guys, but it's a different kind of crush, not one where I could see myself with him. I'm not so sure, but it sounds similar for you. It sounds like if you were to have a relationship with a guy, since you feel it would be uncomfortable and stressed, that you weren't dating him for yourself, but for others to see you with a guy. But your feelings will probably become more clear to you soon too, and help you figure things out.
Maybe you jumped the gun in identifying as a lesbian? What made you arrive at that conclusion? Sexual orientation is a spectrum, and very few people are 100% gay or 100% straight. They fall somewhere in the middle. Either smack-dab in the middle or towards one end or the other. So it's perfectly normal that you'd have feelings for both sexes. At 16 there really isn't any kind of time constraint in terms of figuring this out.
It may be there's simply the "fear of the unknown" when it comes to guys. I know during the teen years (and, sadly, beyond), sometimes one gender looks at the other like an alien species. "Who can understand girls?" "Ugh - boys!" So let me ask - do you have any male friends? Ones that you're NOT interested in dating, but just like hanging out with? Lex
I originally identified as bi-sexual, but quickly felt that it did not suit me. I felt like my attractions to guys weren't very strong... and i simply did not want to date them. (in all honesty, i think i may have wanted to be 100% gay because of the strong prejeduce again bisexuals in both communities) I suppose i started overanalyzing to the point where i began to think i wasn't attracted to them at all, but now... i'm not sure. I'm starting to think i'm a 5 on the kinsey scale? Haha that's true, but it kills me to not know. ---------- Post added 14th Mar 2012 at 01:26 PM ---------- I've grown up around guys... As a kid, my first good childhood (we were pretty young, 4?)friend was a boy and i have two older brothers who i'm pretty close to. As for outside the family, yes, i have a couple of guy-friends. I'm comfortable hanging out with them but, unfortunatley, most of them have ended up liking me :eusa_doh: ...and it gets kind of awkward, sadly.
OK, just wanted to see if you've at least entered the "male sphere" at all. Some people end up so isolated from the opposite sex that they're afraid to make any overtures (even friendly ones) in that direction. But it doesn't seem like that's the case with you. Have you been able to pinpoint your "fear" at all when you fantasize about guys? What exactly do you fear? That he'll be cruel? That he'll force you to do something you don't want to do? That he'll "use you and lose you"? Or is it just a more generic fear/terror? Lex
It seems pretty generic. Its more than fear to be exact.. its more of a fear mixed with general uncomfort. i honestly don't understand it.. maybe its more of a fear of being wrong about my attraction? At this point i really dont know.
I agree with Lexington on all of his questions. It sounds like you don't have a fear of men in the sense of the 'male sphere' and isolation but have a fear of the unknown and the what if?.
>>>It seems pretty generic. Its more than fear to be exact.. its more of a fear mixed with general uncomfort. i honestly don't understand it.. maybe its more of a fear of being wrong about my attraction? Going out with a guy (or girl), or sleeping with a guy (or girl), burns no bridges. It doesn't mean you're now a member of the straight or gay club, with no backsies. If it ends up that you don't find guys attractive down the line, you can just start dating girls. Or if it ends up it's only guys that are doing it for you, you can just stick with them. Lex
It sounds like you want to identify as a lesbian, so go ahead and do it. It's not a permanent label. You seem worried that you may be leaving something out, like the potential for you to maybe fall in love with a guy, but you can deal with that later. There's nothing wrong with calling yourself gay, and then finding a guy you really like and just going out with him anyway. From what I've heard though, it sounds more like you're pressuring yourself to like guys than you are with girls-- as if you just don't want to close the door on the male population. But you're not closing any doors. Go with the flow.
