This month marks the completion of my one year of depression. This has been the most painful year of my life. I think I finally admitted in March 2011 that I was not going to have the life I so desperately wanted. A life of love and companionship and children. It was not going to happen. And yes I know about gay people living together and adopting children and all that, but it seems unreal. Not to mention the fact that since my visa status is unsettled, I may have to go back to my home country where gay people are not supposed to exist. This realization and a bad news in my job search suddenly put me in a panic mode. I used to have real physical ache in my chest. I'd wake up feeling like I was getting a heart attack. I had no one to talk to. It was very very awful. I think now I was mourning for the life I'd never have, the kids I will never have. I was scared of my relentless loneliness. For years, I have been telling myself that it was a matter of time before I settled my gay doubts for good and finally start a life with someone. And I felt that now I'd have to be dishonest to my friends and family. As long as I wasn't sure about my gayness, there was nothing to tell. Now that I am somewhat sure but too scared to tell, I have to lie and pretend and deceive everyone. I have distanced myself from my friends. Everything reminds me of my loss. I can't go to facebook and not see someone mentioning a wedding a baby and it hurts that this is not my future. I am angry that while I am in so much pain, I cannot share it with people. I did tell a few people, but this thing is so beyond their comfort zone, so outside thier realm they don't know how to help so we never talk about it....and I feel angry that when I need someone the most no one can help me. In my worst time of life, when dying feels like a relief, I must go on pretending that I am fine. A phone call here, a brief exchange there..."how are you? I am fine". I AM NOT FINE, but I can't say it because I can't answer the next question anyone will ask, "why not?" I am so tired of pretending to be fine, I have stopped replying to my friends calls and emails. I can't stand another fake conversation where I feel my heart is bleeding with sorrow and I cant tell. There are some good days when I am absorbed with work or a good book or movie or something that keeps my mind off. But then there are days when I just want everything to end, I just want someone to come and tell me.... Guess what your misery is ending soon, you have terminal cancer, no more than 3 months to live.... People fall sick everyday, why can't it be me? I am not sure what the point of this post is, but thanks for reading it anyway.
I certainly do agree with you - you're depressed. And because of that, things seem hopeless. To be clear, because you're depressed things seem hopeless. It isn't the other way around. Things aren't hopeless, causing your depression. There is always hope. But it's our attitude and mental state that keeps us from seeing the opportunities. What can you do to stabilize your visa status? That would eliminate a great deal of stress in your life, allowing you to focus on other things. Is there something / anything you can do to improve that specific situation? Work on the things you can control, and forget about the things that you can't. One thing that is always within your control is your attitude. Towards everything. Having a positive attitude isn't always easy, and it's nearly impossible if you're depressed, but the truth is that just about any situation can be interpreted as either positive or negative. So what about having a partner or kids as a gay man? What is it that seems wrong to you? Sure - it's different from the majority. But if you're gay, you're also different from the majority. And that's something you'll need to accept and come to terms with if you're going to feel better. About yourself. About your situation. Are you able to talk to a therapist? Are you going to school presently? Perhaps there is a counsellor at your school who you could speak to. Otherwise, keep posting here about how you're feeling and what you're thinking. We're able to provide different perspectives. Bottom line - I was depressed too when I first came to realize I was gay. My marriage was ending. I felt like I was 'ruining' the lives of my wife and kids. I was also battling an addiction. Life really didn't seem like it was worth living for me either. 5 years later, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. My kids are well adjusted. I'm good friends with my ex wife. I have a husband who completes me and makes me happy. NEVER in my wildest dreams, while I was depressed, could I have envisioned all of this happening in my life. Never. But it did. So there are good things in your future as well that you aren't able to even contemplate right now. Even if I could see into the future, you'd never believe me - because of your current state of mind. So get help for that. You deserve it. You're worthy. If help isn't available anywhere else, you can always write to me. Or any of the other staff here.
Thank you for your reply. i think you are right about things seeming hopeless because i am depressed. I have learnt that my depression comes and goes, there are good days and then there are some terrible ones. Today was one of the better ones. Maybe I will write to you the next time I am having a bad day. It was nice to hear your story. It gives one hope.
I have been depressed for many years,of late it really has come out of me to the point that i could not hold it in anymore,go to work and pretend that everything is ok,I know how that feels,no-one understands our pasts regrets,or how difficult we are on ourselves,.But I took a step forward by talking with a therapist for two months now online,who gave me the strength to talk to my own doctor to ask for help,and just a week ago,coming out to my doctor for the first time,asking for help,was great,she really listened to me and prescribed some antidepressant medication and set me up with a therapist to actually talk to person to person. there really is hope out there,just need to be brave and ask for help.just like you have here on this site,we all do care,because we are one big family.Use your good day to ask for help from your doctor.
