I can't hold on any longer

I'm very glad that you have the suicide prevention hotline to call, and I'm glad that you realize your death would hurt someone (namely your girlfriend). It would also sadden many of us here, I can assure you - your mother is very wrong about that.

Call the hotline as much as you need, and to re-iterate earlier comments on previous threads, please please please talk to someone else in your life who is not your mom or stepdad and whom you can stay with instead. You do not deserve to be told those things nor to be locked up anywhere! Lots of (*hug*) for you in the meantime - I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and thinking of you.

 

I don't really know what to say... But please, don't believe for a moment no one would care. Every time someone does that, all the villainous scum in the world giggles, and all the good, decent people suffer a setback. Please, don't help the scum win.

 

It's not true that nobody would care. I would care. And I know I'm not the only one. We are all here to support you and to help you get through this in any way we can. Remember, you aren't alone and you don't have to go through this by yourself. We're here for you.

 

Hey, I agree with that guy up there. ...Stay strong!

 

I'm really at a loss for words right now. I feel so sorry for you. Please just try to hang in there. All of us would care if you killed yourself. It's not worth it sweetie. Remember trouble doesn't last always.

 

First off you need to call someone to get you out of that home, I know it might seem like an impossible thing but you can NOT live there anymore, not with people who are harming you. Familial abuse is one of the most underrated and unreported occurrences right now but it doesn't make it right just because it goes unreported. Call 911, call Child Protective Services, call SOMEONE because you need to get out of there NOW. It sounds like they're doing NOTHING for you, doesn't sound like they would pay for your education, so what's keeping you there? You'd be better off in a group home, an orphanage, a foster parent, than you are with your real parents. Call someone now.

Secondly, I'm glad there is someone (though with us here, there are many) who you are sticking around for. But there's something that I think needs to change: get a new therapist. I realize if you've created a bond with this one, but a therapist should NOT continuously keep cancelling on you! Once is fine, but it sounds like far more than just one time. That's not a responsible therapist and you need someone who is there for you. I realize they can only schedule appointments, not meet with you whenever you say "help" but the fact is with what you're going through, the therapist should not be repeatedly cancelling on you. So either tell your therapist that you need someone to be there for you and to stop cancelling or tell her you will move on and find someone who actually has the time to help you.

Please remember, we are here for you no matter what time, hell I'm usually up quite late at night (eastern time zone) so I'm here on the site quite often. If you need someone to talk to Remy, I'm here and so are so many people who love and care for you even if we haven't met you in person, we clearly have more love for you than your so-called parents do. Please don't take your life, I know it may seem like a simple escape, and I'm not going to say the "it gets better" line but the thing is, it does. But first thing you need to do is get yourself out of the toxic home that has been created for you. It's not going to help you.

Remember, We Love You and we don't want to lose you.

 

Your situation sounds pretty hideous. My guess is that your step-father is trying to put you in a situation where, if you don't kill yourself, that must somehow legitimize his abuse. It doesn't. This is something that he is doing to try to trivialize your trauma, so he can go on believing that you're the bad guy somehow, not him. Abusive parents always do this kind of thing, and it's really quite predictable.

I bet that, when you break down in tears, they scream stuff like "crocodile tears" and otherwise try to paint signs of your misery as some attempt at manipulating them. No matter how much grief you are in, there is always this verdict that it was all fake, and you were just making a fail attempt to play on their sympathy. Been there.

And here's another abuser trick I have had first-hand experience with. Have you ever been in one of those conversations where something had gotten broken or gone missing, and the abuser said, "well, the only reason I thought you did it was that you did something like that three weeks ago, and the only reason I didn't believe you at first was that you lied about it then," yet the conclusion reached three weeks previously had been based on the same justification? After a while, it gets to the point that the only reason the abuser needs for casting blame on the victim is that the victim "always does this sort of thing," and this could happen even if the victim never actually did anything wrong, except perhaps speak in his or her own defense. My mother wrote the book on this one.

If it gets too rough, go to a shelter for battered women. They have services there that can help someone in your situation. There are a lot of ways out and a lot of things you can do besides taking your own life. Whatever you choose to do, please, take command of your life. Don't let selfish people make your decisions for you.

---------- Post added 14th Mar 2012 at 12:20 PM ----------

Remy, on the college scene: student loans. It really sucks to have to take out a student loan. I am not kidding. I'm paying for them now, and it's really preferable not to have to do them. However, you are not enslaved to your parents for your education. There are a lot of alternatives out there.

 

Okay, sorry I'm going to have to add yet a third post in a row. I kind of got engrossed in some memories of my own, and I got distracted. I do have a way of framing this, though, that might help.

What helped me to understand my own situation was to look upon my parents' behavior as any other pathological behavior...just like drug addiction, depression or many other destructive behaviors. If I looked at it that way, I could see my parents' behavior as something that I might be able to heal. That way, I could approach the issue of averting my parents' behavior without going into it with a mindset that would only lead to making it worse. Thanks to my boyfriend's encouragement to get back in touch with them, we're even on speaking and, surprisingly, somewhat affectionate terms now.

Maybe this thinking trick I used can help someone else.

Oh, and sorry, Remy. I had misunderstood your post on education.

 

Remy. Please please please, get out of that house. Even if your grandma is just a slight step up, you need to get out of the toxic environment you are in. Your Mother doesn't sound like a well person. Those accusations are not normal things to say. And if she's physically abusing you too then she really is sick. If you can get help do- don't feel you owe your abusers anything.

Besides anyone who lists 'Isengard' as their location is far too cool for the world to lose.

Please keep this thread updated- there are people here who can help, and I'm sure everyone who's posted here is worrying about you. Do what you can to stay strong.

 

I second Revan & simon94. You need to leave. You have a phone. Call 911, Child Protection, somebody. And please, please please be strong. I don't know you, but just remember I'm here for you. Us of EC are here for you. Your girlfriend is here for you. You have all of us, you are not alone. And we care, so, so much. No one deserves to die before it's time to die. Stay alive, for us. You're not doing anything wrong. You're much stronger than you think. And you will be a happy and successful adult. But you just need to pull through this, and you can.
Nobody deserves to die before their time truly comes -- and we don't have the right to choose when that time comes. But nobody deserves to live a life of torture like this either. Call somebody. You need help. Not just from Suicide Prevention, or from EC, or from your girlfriend. You need to leave.
And I promise you -- do that and everything will be okay.

 

Get out of that house. Please, you need to get out. Your grandma has already said she'd take you in and I'm completely positive that suicide is "bad enough". Please get out of there, you're not a failure or fat or anything that your parents tell you. You deserve so much more than what you've been given.

 

I'd say that all of that would certainly qualify as too bad to deal with. (*hug*) And if your grandmother doesn't believe it's at that stage yet, there are other options. 911, Google "*your city* youth services", anything. You shouldn't have to deal with this. Nobody should be subjected to this kind of abuse, and you definitely don't deserve it. None of this is your fault. And you deserve to be somewhere better.

 

>>>I didn't think any parents helped with education costs.

Boy, don't tell my parents this. They might ask for a lot of money back from me.

And Maddy has it. Things have gotten too bad. Get the hell out of that house.

Lex

 

You need to get help for yourself first and then worry about your mother. If it's possible to sneak out when your mother and step-dad are asleep, then do it! Contact your grandma and see if she is able to help you get out of there. However, you mentioned that you have siblings too. If they are also being abused then I would recommend that you call 911 or look up a number or email for child protective services and provide them your address information. No child should have to live in the environment that you've been forced to endure. The fact that you have made it through this far is a testament to how strong of a person you are. You ARE a survivor. You DO have the power to help yourself get out of this situation. Your parents are not in the right state of mind to be caring for children and do not have your best interests at heart right now. Please stay strong and get yourself out of that horrible setting! The only way things are going to get better for you is to get out of this situation. Once you are away from these people things WILL get better for you and you'll meet people who will treat you better! Hang in there! There are people who care about you!!(*hug*)