I don't know what to do....I'm feeling more and more that I have no allies and no one is on my side of a war with myself, if that makes sense. :icon_sad: I feel like the only lesbian in my entire high school, which to me, right now, is the border of how big my world can get. I feel like the only lesbian in the world, especially now that it's about time for prom to start and all my friends are talking about dates and boyfriends. I'm so lonely during the day, and I can't get on EC until late at night because I'm becoming so busy. I feel like the one person who could possibly help me, my best friend, is living in a parallel alien world right next to mine, never quite intersecting when it needs to. We never quite see eye to eye, even if we want to, but neither of us quite make the effort. She can tell that something's wrong, and she worries about it, and I worry about it, but never together--we always worry by ourselves. I don't feel like I have the right to ask her for her help, that she's not pulling her weight in the friendship and supporting me or comforting me when I need it. She's an alien to me, especially because she has a boyfriend, a territory I can't enter. To me, if I want it or not, this lumps her in my mind together with "everyone else." I feel like I'm the only one who has to carry the weight of my entire world all by myself, and no one will help me carry it. Whenever it seems like my best friend will take some of it off, she shoves it right back on my shoulders. She's very unreliable and undependable, but she doesn't know how to fix it. And neither do I, but we don't talk about it. I wish she wouldn't make me think I can assume things when they're not true. She isn't mean, but I can't count on her to be there when I need her to--she doesn't always get a ride home from me, she doesn't always come over the day of the week she planned herself to visit my house, she doesn't always eat lunch with me, and I don't even know if she'll come to school everyday anymore. She's also recently developed a habit of acting really intimate with me--holding hands, putting an arm around my waist or shoulders, having me sit on her lap, stroking my hair, etc. in such a way that a number of people are suspecting that we're a couple. As I said, she has a boyfriend, I'm a lesbian myself, she's bi-curious, but she pretend not to notice what people think about us. I'm worried someone has asked her if we're together or not since at least four or five people have already asked me in the past month or two. What can I do to not be so lonely with just myself....? Sorry for rambling, and thank you if you've taken the time to read this whole thing.
I have the same situation with one of my best friends. She doesn't always sit with me at lunch, she's not at school when I need her to be and she's very touchy - hand in my thigh, playing with my hair. That type of thing. And it gets very annoying. But see, the key point I made is that she's only ONE of my best friends. I have two and the second one doesn't really talk to me much either, so I just hang around other people. I sit with people who are more so acquaintances than friends and it's great. You also get different opinions and stuff when you're around other people. For me it's a nice change from the normal and it could be for you too. And I have the same thing with feeling like I'm the only bi person in school (in your case lesbian). It does get really lonely but at the end of the day, I know I have people who love me and accept me. I'm almost 100% sure that you'll have people who love you the same way, even if they're not in love with you :lol: And again, same thing with prom. Mine's coming up and I have no one to go with either. It seems like everyone made their plans (i.e. their dresses, who they're going to take) and I haven't even thought about it. I haven't quite figured out what to do about that yet though... Sorry
Some thoughts on the original post here - and if others find them helpful, then great A lot of what you say sounds like you're convincing yourself that people around you - your best friend, for example - won't help you even if you ask them, but of course if you don't talk to them you'll never know. You say your best friend is worrying about you - maybe she would want to know how you're feeling, that a lot of things coming up are bothering you and you don't know how to deal with them. Admittedly, the intimacy thing might make that a bit awkward, but it's also not inappropriate for you to ask her not to do that. It means something to you that it may not to her, and if it's making you feel awkward, you have every right to bring that up. Also, although it can certainly feel this way from time to time, try not to think of hetero friends as "aliens from another world." Admittedly, heteros can be downright weird at times, and it's easy to forget that we can share a lot. Your friends will understand feeling lonely and worrying about prom and such. Some of them may even end up not having dates. And on the subject of prom, don't worry too much about it - I never even went to mine, and I've never regretted it. Far more meaningful for me were the lgbt proms that the lgbt group on campus put together in college. Hang in there. The world is small right now, but you'll make it through the end of the year. Think about how far you've come already, and how little there is left to go! (*hug*)
Thank you very much for sharing your story! And you don't have to apologize. In my case, I do eat lunch with her every other day already (I made an agreement with another of our friends to share her at lunch since our table isn't big enough for all of us), but besides her I eat lunch everyday with my other closest friends, and it's quite refreshing. I know that they're all very supportive, and that most of them are pro-LGBT no problem, but I still feel like there's a big difference between me and other girls. But I understand that while being a lesbian is part of who I am, it's not all I am, as the saying goes. It just riles me up when she comes and people get the wrong idea about us and she does nothing to correct them. At least I know I'm not the only girl worrying about it! Thank you very much, and good luck with your prom! ---------- Post added 15th Mar 2012 at 06:58 PM ---------- It's fine, I'm open to criticism and opinions. I do go to my friends occasionally for help, but I was brought up as the type to not talk about it to keep from bothering others, and that philosophy has been sort of hard-wired into my brain. I don't have the best self esteem, and my parents only deal with their problems by huffing around with a bad attitude. So I tend to sulk and keep to myself in response since I don't have a lot of skill for solving personal problems. I also don't feel comfortable sharing with my best friend because she hardly ever leans on me for support, either. She says there's not much to her, but I can't help but wonder who she does talk things over with if it's not her best friend since middle school. So that's another opportunity for socially problem solving that I'm not very good at. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm making excuses. Maybe I am, but I really do have no idea how to handle these things or how to even approach them with someone else there who can help me. I'll try not to think of heteros so much as "aliens." Lol, they can be pretty weird, but I have gay friends who are just as odd! :lol: My friends think it's so bizarre of me, though, that I've never talked about guy crushes or that I dislike the idea of boyfriends. Thanks for the encouragement on prom--I'll try to look for similar LGBT proms in college; I know I'll feel a lot more at home! ride: I'm looking forward to college! Hopefully I'll be able to come a little more out of my shell by living away from home for a while!
