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if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on her

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Caoimhe Fayre, Mar 15, 2012.

  1. Caoimhe Fayre

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    If any of you who are reading this are straight, I have a specific question for you. If you were good friends with someone who had just come out of the closet to you, if that person were to tell you that they had a major crush on you, would you feel grossed out or uncomfortable?

    There's this person in my life. I love her. I love being around her. I think about her all the time.

    However, I don't know if I can ever tell her how I feel about her.

    I don't know how old she is, but I know she's a lot older than I am. I worry that even if she is gay, she wouldn't be interested in me because I am so young. She's been there for me in so many ways - she's taken me under her wing as a musician, she's taught me to be confident, she's always encouraging me.

    She's a really, really good friend. I'd say, her friendship is the best friendship I have in my life. I wouldn't trade that friendship for anything. I know I can rely on her. I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone.

    I'm also really, really attracted to her. I mean, I've never been sexually active in my life and I think even if someone I was really attracted to were to be interested, I'd feel awkward at first because I've never done anything in real life, I'd be scared that I'd do something wrong or that they wouldn't like how I look.

    But I find myself thinking more and more about her like that. On the one hand, I try not to because I worry that it would make her uncomfortable. On the other hand, she is the only person I could imagine feeling safe and comfortable enough with to actually want to do those things with.

    If she were interested, I'd love to be with her and I'd never want it to end. I'd want to be with her forever, or if that weren't possible... I'd really like her to be my first.

    I've always assumed, though, that she's straight. So I try to put it out of my mind.

    But I do have a major crush on her. She's beautiful to look at. She's fun to be around - in fact, I feel deprived when I go too long without being around her.

    I've thought about telling her that I have a crush on her. Maybe one day in the future, it'll be less intimidating to admit that I've always had a crush on her, to her. But what if it completely freaks her out?

    It's one thing to be ok with gay people, it's another to be ok with a gay person crushing on you, right? I feel like, telling her could make us closer, if she feels similarly or if she takes it well... but it most likely will make her want to put some distance between us, or it might make her feel awkward and uncomfortable....

    now I'm not saying I'd ask her any time soon... I have a lot of healing and work to do on myself, after my time with Courage I have a lot of unlearning to do, and I need to do that first before I can even think the word "relationship".

    But I really want to tell her one day, maybe because I still have a shred of hope that she might be interested and I know I'd never be able to love someone as much as I love her now. If she's not interested, then maybe one day I'll fall for someone who feels the same way, but if I don't give it a chance and then find out she might've been interested... I would regret that so much.

    ---------- Post added 15th Mar 2012 at 11:26 AM ----------

    ps - there's no garuntee that she's straight, either. I haven't exactly asked her. but she's single, Catholic, never dated as far as I know, and yeah... sometimes I do wonder if she's really straight, not that a person can't be single and beautiful for no reason other than that they prefer it that way, but... maybe I'm just overly hopeful... but right now, I don't know for certain that she's straight or not straight. I've just assumed, since most people are straight, that she probably is.
     
  2. Lexington

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    Re: if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on

    Start with the first step. Tell her you're gay. Not that you have a crush on her, just that you're gay. "And since we're such good friends, I feel you deserve to know that." Let that sit for awhile, and maybe you can see what happens afterwards. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. CrazyAntFarm

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    Re: if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on

    I'm not straight, but I could give you a little insight. I confessed a crush to one of my good friends, and he distanced himself from me. Six months later, and we are just starting to speak again. At least, I'm over him.

    If it was me, I wouldn't care if a friend confessed a crush on me. It wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable at all as long as he or she repected boundaries if I don't feel the same way; however, everyone isn't like that. You're going to get some people who's going to put that distance up for their own good, or yours.

    I agree with Lex. You should start by coming out to her if you haven't done so already and take it from there.
     
  4. Sayu

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    Re: if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on

    My situation is very very similar as yours...
     
  5. Katelynn

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    Re: if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on

    It is a difficult decision to make, so take your time with it. I can say that you shouldnt worry too much about the age difference tho. I have two friends that just started seeing each other at the end of last year, one of them is 18 & her gf is in her early 30s. Plus, from what Ive sort of gathered from the local gay community here, age differences dont seem to matter quite so much as the connection people have with each other. I mean, hey, if straight people can have relationships with age differences between then, why cant we? If your friend is gay, then I wouldnt worry too much about the age difference, if you are both into each other, it wont matter to either one of you. If she is straight tho, tread lightly. Even the most open-minded people can be put a step back sometimes upon hearing news that they arent expecting. Your friend may not freak, but she may need time to process what youve told her, so it might feel weird for a day or a week or whatever until she gets used to it. I know someone who confessed a crush to his friend, who was very straight, but very accepting & open-minded. His friend wasnt interested, & he was a bit startled, I guess you could say, but after he got over the inital discomfort of what he had been told, they were back to being friends, although communication & respect played big roles there. Once my friend had admitted the crush, they had a bit of space & then talked about things, with the object of his affection making it clear that, while he was flattered, he wasnt interested. So telling her might not be a bad thing & the friendship will continue on, just be sure that you are sure of what you are doing & making it clear about what you both expect from each other in terms of friendship is she is straight. Sorry if this isnt helpful at all...

    You could also casually discuss the issue ie 'I have a friend who is crushing on one of his profs/friends/etc., who is older, but he's afraid it would ruin a friendship that has been between them for a while. He's afraid of how his straight friend might react & he's asking my advice, what do you think I should tell him? Have you ever been in this situation with someone who liked you telling you about it?' (When you ask that last question, dont even bring the same-sex/opposite-sex issue into it, just be as vague as you can, perhaps that way when youre friend responds, she may say, 'yes/no, Ive been in this situation with a male/female friend.' That way, youre not forcing her to respond to the question by covertly demanding she reveal her own orientation to you, so she can feel free to say herself if she is gay/straight or bi.

    I will say tho, that if you are out to this person, there is a chance she would have told you already if she were gay. I know when I started coming out, friends I came out to usually responded with ' no need to worry about me, Im bisexual anyway, so I understand 7 totally accept you!' It was like my coming out was an invitation for them to reveal their own orientation to me. Just a thought with respect to that, but it could always be possible that she may feel the need to remain discreet about things...
     
    #5 Katelynn, Mar 15, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2012
  6. Caoimhe Fayre

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    Re: if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on

    I'm out to her, and she didn't come out to me, so she's probably straight... except in a RC environment, and since she especially since she works for the Church, it could just be because it'd be risky to come out. Come out to the wrong person, and you could find yourself without a job, you know? because religious organizations have the right to discriminate on things like that...
     
  7. greeneyes

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    Re: if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on

    Ahhh have this situation!!! Thanks for bringing it up!
     
  8. colorful

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    Re: if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on

    I pretty much came out to my friend and told her I had a crush on her at the same time.... I'm pretty sure she's cool with it.
     
  9. Albion

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    Re: if she's straight, I don't want to freak her out by telling her I have a crush on

    Tell her! I'm straight as far as I know and I would feel very happy to hear that from my lesbian friend, I mean its always wonderful to feel liked and if she's opened minded I'm sure you guys can get along as a couple! I know I would...(or its cuz I've never been in a relationship before and really eager lolz) I don't really know what your friend's like, but when its that important to you, its usually the best to just tell them. If she's really your friend, even if it doesn't work out, both of you'll still be fine :slight_smile: