I am a 24 year old female who has been married to her best friend, a male, for almost 4 years. During that time we have not had sex. Once, when we were drunk, I lied and said we had but I had really reached under my belly and used my hand (too much information, haha?). The thought of sex with a man makes me uncomfortable. I was raised in a conservative christian home but always surrounded myself with a more liberal crowd at school. The earliest memories I have related to my sexuality are: 1. Playing "doctor" with a boys penis around age 4. 2. Lounging under a blanket at my friends house during a sleepover. I remember looking at her and studying her lips. I wanted to kiss her so badly but felt guilty and ended up sleeping on the floor. I was 7 or 8 then. Almost all of my sexual fantasies were of women. I developed a pornography addiction during middle school (I was adopted and my mother had been a prostitute so I was exposed to sex at a young age) and only watched gay and lesbian scenarios. I remember recognizing a boys good looks but I never felt drawn to them when it came to relationships. During high school I met a girl who was very out and very proud. Everyone agreed that she was the schools "bad ass" but I saw her delicate side and was drawn to her. She developed feelings for me over the years and I for her, as well. I remember sitting in class and watching her... Thoughts of stripping her down in the bathroom constantly filled my head. I couldn't escape it. It was our secret. I remember inviting her to the movies with my best friend and her boyfriend. I held her hand in the dark and, during a game of hide and seek in the parking lot, kissed her. Eventually I admitted that I had sexual feelings for her. I had a lot of chances to act those feelings out but every time I pulled away. I slept over one night my senior year and felt her body under her clothes. She asked me to kiss her and I did for a moment but then I couldn't. I felt... wrong. I felt guilty. I moved to a different state and ended up getting married to a boy that I believe I am 100% in love with. Or... that I love 100%. We clicked the moment we met and we are together constantly. We even work together. He knew before he proposed that I was attracted to women but assumed I was bisexual (which I thought I was then, too). I have no desire to be sexual with him, though. When we were first married I have him hand jobs and what not but never had intercourse. Images of women would flash through my head when we would touch. Now we just masturbate side by side. One night, because of his apathy towards life, I left him. He called crying so I returned and we talked for hours. He ended up revealing that he was gay. I tried saying things that he had said to me, like, "Maybe it's because we aren't sexual." and "Maybe you're just confused", but he insisted that he had been having those thoughts and feelings for as long as he could remember. He cried about not ever feeling a sexual connection to a woman. I thought, 'It all makes sense!'. Now, though, he says that he was just upset and that it wasn't true but I often find him looking up things like "lavender marriage". He spends almost all of his time talking to men his own age that he plays video games with online. (I also spend a lot of my time talking to his video game friends, haha) I seem to attract lesbians here. Every single one of my female friends have come out to me... even ones who I "was sure" were straight. I have kissed and messed around with two women since being married. Both times I was completely sh*t faced, and both times my husband had no problem with. He just shrugged and laughed and said, "You crazy thing." ... I crave a woman. There are weeks where I don't leave my house because I'm afraid of making new relationships. I am drawn to lesbians, I guess. Maybe because I want so badly to be "out". Unfortunately we both come from conservative christian homes with parents who will (and have) shunned a homosexual relative before. They say it's an "abomination" and a little part of me says, "You can never be that way of you will burn in hell for eternity". I constantly feel torn. I find myself building these beautiful and strong emotional relationships with women I know while fantasizing about one day having a drink with them that leads to more... I came out to my best friend in high school (because she asked if I was gay) but, because I'm adopted, I am so afraid of losing my family. Those abandonment issues have subsided for quite some time but I know that I can't lose them. We're also too afraid to divorce. Our families wouldn't be able to handle that either. I have just recently (2 years ago) become clean and sober (meth, cocaine and alcohol addiction) but no one knows because I look like the girl next door and I've always been extremely thin. Being sober and dealing with this awareness that there's something missing is killing me. I don't know what to do. I feel depression taking over and sometimes stay home for weeks without seeing anyone. I love my husband... he's my best friend... but he might just be my best friend and nothing more. I don't know... ---------- Post added 15th Mar 2012 at 04:25 PM ---------- Also... I am not afraid of sex with men, I just have no desire to have sex with one. I have many male friends. The majority of my friends are LGBTQ females, though.
I'm sorry, I don't know if you're asking a question or just looking for advice... Are you asking what you should do about your husband? Well if he's gay... You can always divorce. Getting a divorce doesn't mean your relationship has to end. You can live together and just meet other people, right? I'm sorry, I just need some clarification...
I guess I don't really know what I'm asking. There's so many question running through my head: Am I really gay? I mean, I have done sexual things with men before... I just haven't actually had sex. I almost feel brainwashed. Everything in me says that me wanting a woman is wrong (even though I am a supporter of the LGBT community). And my husband has denied being gay sense and gets angry when I mention it. I have talked with him about divorce but he says he wont do it. I don't know. I guess I'm just confused and I haven't talked with anyone about this... so, I'm getting it out there.
I think you already know the truth about yourself deep down. That's why you're here, and that's why your orientation says "denial" instead of "questioning". I'm not usually one to apply a label to someone who hasn't fully embraced it on their own terms, but in this case I'm going to say yes, given all the available evidence, it seems pretty clear that you're gay. It might seem like being in the closet and staying in a sexless relationship is the easiest (or the only) option. But consider the fact that it is likely your depression and addiction issues are at least partly due to being in denial about yourself for your whole life. If you remain in the situation you're in, it's likely that you will continue to be plagued by these types of problems. You probably aren't ready to come out to your family and leave your husband right now. But I think you should start to try to visualize how that might be a part of your future. Yes, you might be ostracized by your family. Yes, you may lose people you care about. But you will then also have the opportunity to start a new life, and surround yourself with people who fully love and support you for who you are.
