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Heteroromantic homosexual? :s

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by King, Mar 15, 2012.

  1. King

    King Guest

    I'm apologizing in advance if this gets confusing. Or hell maybe it'll be super easy but anyways:

    I'm out as gay to my mom, dad, and a few other people. I told myself that after I came out to my dad, I'd be okay coming out to everyone. I came out to my dad almost a month ago and I have yet to really come out to anyone else for simple lack of interest. At this point, I'm not in the closet, but I'm not really out either.
    Because of this, I haven't experienced any romantic feelings with a boy because I haven't put myself out there to meet one. I have, however, met many girls that I feel so connected to.
    I know this sounds ridiculous. But is my lack of emotional interest in a man (it's all sexual) just because I haven't met one to really like yet? Because at this point I feel as though I don't ever want an emotional relationship with a man, just a sexual one. I've met a few girls, though, that I want nothing more then to cuddle with them, and hold their hand, and do everything with them. Like, I can imagine spending my life with them.
    But I'm so not sexually attracted to girls that it just wouldn't work. What's a relationship if there isn't any sex?
    So, do you figure I'm just overthinking it because I haven't met or been exposed to other gay boys and relationships?
    I'm just so confused :'(
     
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  2. FJ Cruiser

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    You would be the first that I've heard of that's a heteroromantic homosexual, but I suppose it is possible. My first instinct is to say that you just haven't found out who you're type of guy is.
     
  3. cscipio

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  4. jargon

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    It would be a little hard for me to swallow that a person could be completely heteroromantic while being homosexual. The romantic side of a relationship doesn't have anything to do with the physical biology of a person per se - you might be romantically attracted to more feminine personalities, but there will always be plenty of gay guys who act more feminine anyways.

    Given this, I'd guess that maybe you're just more of a biromantic, who hasn't quite had the experiences yet to understand what it'd be like to be in a romantic relationship with another guy.
     
  5. Chandra

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    There are people who do genuinely identify as heteroromantic homosexual, so it is possible that you might be. But given that you a) aren't really out of the closet and b) haven't had the chance to experience dating/relationships with guys, I would say it's too soon to say for sure.

    It could be that your seeming lack of romantic interest in guys is due to some lingering internalized homophobia, or that you simply find it hard to imagine how to be romantic with a guy, due to a lack of role models / visibility of gay relationships in the media. In my case, before I met my girlfriend, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with another woman, and so it wasn't easy for me to fantasize about it. So I'd say give yourself some time to become more comfortable being attracted to guys, and to come out of the closet a bit more, and maybe your feelings on this issue will change.
     
  6. butterfly878

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    I feel the same way too! Or maybe I'm just a bisexual who has a stronger romantic pull towards males and stronger sexual pull towards females in general. I'm currently dating my first girlfriend, and I'm just discovering that I'm capable of loving her as I would if I had been with a man. Although, there is a stronger physical attraction to my gf which comes naturally because I am already very physically attracted to females in general. But other than her, I still find it hard to view other females romantically although I check them out all the time. Perhaps it takes some time to get rid of our preconceived notions of what is 'normal' to be able to view them romantically.
     
  7. GlindaRose

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    It's fine. :grin: I would probably consider myself a homoromantic bisexual, for the record. I just see it as one day I'll meet that one person who somehow fits all the packages (i.e. I experience all of the types of attraction towards them, not just one).
     
  8. Maxis

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    Nobody can say who you are, but it's definitely possible. The romance spectrum and sexuality spectrum are two completely different things, so it's just as possible to be a heteroromantic homosexual as it is to be 100% straight, gay or bi.

    It is also possible that, like you said, you just haven't found a guy to be attached to, if y'know what I mean. I'd say wait a little, and see how things go, and see if you meet a guy you truly like. :3 But it's too early to say for now.
     
  9. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    You have gotten some really good advice so far so i'll just jump in with a personal story :slight_smile:

    When I first started coming out, I came out to people as bisexual that was only interested in guys for sex. I honestly didn't have any desire to kiss, hold hands or be in a long term relationship with a guy. I couldn't imagine myself in a relationship and it wasn't something that I was craving. With that said, after some time of accepting myself and meeting other guys, I finally started being able to like guys in an emotional level, which surprised me a lot. Scared the hell out of me at first, but then I just started accepting it more and more.

    I will say that my first relationship didn't work out because I was still trying to get a grasp on the whole really falling for a guy, but after trying a relationship out I finally understood myself better. Now, after about 4 failed relationships, I'm now in a very healthy place with myself and I'm now with a guy who I can say I love.

    Now, I'm not trying to say that the same thing will happen to you since there is a possibility that you are in fact hereromantic and homosexual, but I will say to let yourself explore things out there a bit more. Enjoy the journey of it all and try not to focus on the future too much. I know its impossible sometimes, but its what allowed me to move on from my confusion and to just enjoy what I was feeling.
     
  10. kelseycaileen

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    Hi I'm a heteroromantic lesbian. It's a lot easier for people to understand, though, if I just explain it as bisexual. I don't feel terribly strongly either way though, romantically or sexually. I feel strongly enough to identify that way. I don't know if that makes sense... I can see myself swaying possibly, maybe falling in love with a woman or enjoying sex with an occasional man, but I definitely lean a certain way. The problem is, I'm 18, and have only been with two guys and have only flirted with girls so I'm still new to my exploration, but as far as I can tell from past experiences, this is who I am and though it's confusing, it happens and I'm okay with it. :slight_smile:
     
  11. Pat

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    This happens to a lot of feminine guys that i've talked to. Some haven't put themselves out there much because they relate so heavily with females. It's kind of intimidating for them to actually start talking to guys that are deemed more masculine. In your case, you're gay but you're not really getting the bonding down with guys. I tried to explain this to my straight friend, he doesn't get what the problem is, he's like, "Dude, get a boyfriend, it'll make you happier" lol. I wish it was that easy. Guys are SHIT to talk to. If you have any kind of inkling about you like a woman, it can be really hard to talk to men. Growing up with a single mother, I'm more emotionally inclined than a lot of other masculine guys I speak to. So while the looks are there, it may actually take you some time to find a guy that you bond with, it's just a different ball game when it's a guy. It's okay that you're having this happen, just because you're gay doesn't mean you HAVE to be with someone and it doesn't mean that you have to like boys right now. It's truly difficult to find a boy to bond with depending on what your interests are.
     
  12. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    This isn't a masculine vs. feminine thing. There are many masculine guys that may feel emotionally attracted to the "feminine" but sexually to the "masculine." It isn't about relating to a female. I'm masculine, yet emotionally a sweet innocent girl can make me feel emotionally connected. I'm just not sexually attracted to them.
     
  13. kaybee

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    I know I'm late in responding to this, but I wanted to toss in my two cents. I've been struggling with this issue as long as I can remember. It is a REAL thing! A lot of people (even on websites like this, as the comments show) can't wrap their head around it because they're LUCKY ENOUGH to have alignment between their sexual and romantic orientations. But I can tell you first hand that for some people - honest to god, there is a split. I am a woman, who has ALWAYS been attracted to women. My earliest memories of arousal or whatever - all towards women. A man's body does absolutely nothing for me. And yet, though I have tried dating women, it has been unpleasant, I just can't feel anything emotionally for a woman. Friendship is my limit. I have had multiple women "fall for me" and I felt horrible for putting them in that position. All I wanted from them was a physical relationship. Now with men, I fall in love - and I fall hard. I can tolerate the sex, but can't orgasm unless I fantasize about a woman while I'm having sex. I have never told any of the men I've been with about that, though. Obviously, that's no good for anyone's ego. Everyone wants to be with someone who wants them in every way but that just isn't in the cards for me. I had to choose what was more important to me... love or sex... I chose love. I am married to a man now and I love my life, but a part of me will always be unfulfilled. Some people may choose alternative lifestyles - a three-person relationship where everyones together.. I'm too jealous for that. And I won't cheat. So there really aren't any options, except porn and fantasy. I don't know what good news there is for you if this is what you have to deal with in life, other than to tell you that you aren't the only one. You just have to decide what your priorities are and maybe explore all your options. I experimented with all kinds of lifestyles but the only thing that worked for me was hetero monogamy
     
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  14. vamonos

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    This is so me. I love women as friends.

    I don't want sex with them. I think it's gross.

    I like men for sex. But only for sex. And for fixing stuff.
     
  15. Jheeva

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    Omg FINALLY I know my sexuality!!!