Things that I wanna remember putting in my coming out letter to my parents: What you guys think? What else should I say? What should I erase? I don´t know when I´ll come out, but probably on the next weeks. 0)I´m writing a letter because I don´t know how to put in words and I have a lot to say. 1)I´m doing this because I can´t take anymore; I can´t see my life passing through my eyes and do nothing. 2)I don´t wanna loose my life like I did in the last years. 3)If I want to progress in life, I must do this and live what I´m. I wanna feel completely motivated, have dreams again. 4)I want to heal my anxiety and sadness that I carried for the last years. 5)Sooner or later, I would do this. 6)I´m happy and feeling free since I didn´t felt when I was a kid. 7)It´s not my choice. It´s only a part of me, but a part that I can´t deny. 8)It´s not your fault, of neither of you two. 9)It will be hard for you, but you don´t need to tell anyone that I´m gay until you both are comfortable with the idea. 10)I didn´t wanna tell before because I was afraid. I didn´t want to hurt you two. 11)I doubted since my teens. I'm 100% sure since the last 3 years. 12)I thought that I could hide myself until the day I got my degree,a job and could get out of home, but I can´t. 13)I was a 'above avarage' loonely because I was ashamed of myself. 14)I already hooked up with girls, but felt nothing. 15)It´s not only about sex. It´s about life and love. 16)No, I never been with a man and no one told me to do this. 17)[That´s something that I wanna put in the letter and is about the day that I almost faint in pain after a Congress and I decided to look for help. It was the 'changing day'.] 18)[Talk about my College problems and my student´s dreams] 19)[I´ll give them the letters and I´ll be on the beach, as I do every Sunday afternoon] If I don´t show up for the next 3hours, don´t worry, I´m on the beach and be back soon to give you some space.
The only things I would adjust would be (and all of these are just my own opinion, feel free to ignore some or all of it at will! :lol: in 8), I wouldn't say it's not their "fault" (which implies that something is wrong with you), but just that they didn't do anything to make this happen. in 14), you might not want to say that you've hooked up with girls, just that you don't feel anything towards girls? This is more just my own thought, but it seems like opening up details of your sexual history may be a bit more than they're going to want to handle at that point? similarly, in 16), don't necessarily need to say you've never been with a man (this might actually give them "hope" that you're "just confused"/"going through a phase"), but emphasizing that nobody told you to feel this way is fine. All in all though, it sounds pretty great. I think it will be really good for you to write this, as well as to give it to them. I'm wishing you all the best luck.
Thanks a lot for the tips! :icon_bigg [for everyone] how am I supposed to react if things come don´t come out well? Angry?Agressive?Quiet?Acceptive? Any tips?
I would suggest patience and calmness; anger or aggression often escalates the situation (and if it's already bad, chances are it will get worse) and anything that seems to be acceptance or submission has the chance of leading the other party to believe that they won and convinced you that you are wrong; this isn't the best situation if you want them to accept who you are. One thing I've found to work in situations where 'elders' are against you is to make sure that you never let yourself drop down to whatever level they are using against you; always stay the better man, the mature one. It removes many of their potential arguments and, should the situation later involve other people, they are far more likely to take your side if you are the one who's been acting like an adult the entire time Of course, I very much hope that none of that will be necessary! Good luck.
Thanks. I´m trying to think how it is to react calm in this possible situation :eek: So, if my father come to me and say: I won´t accept this in my house. Should I answer(calm as much as I can): Ok, but there is nothing you can´t change about it, neither can I(???)
Oh, you don't have to be calm on the inside, just on the outside envision grand squishing and explosions if you like! The important part is the mood you present. The problem with saying that he can't change it is that it can be taken aggressively, in the sense that it might make him feel powerless; people are more likely to panic when they aren't in control. Additionally, saying that you can't change it implies that you want to change it, that you would if you could, and that opens the door to a number of nasties. My suggestion would be to politely remind him that you have been gay all along, so it was in his house all along, and the only difference is that you trusted and cared about him enough to let him know. You could say something to the effect that the only way that it will go away is if you do; this has the potential to remind him that you are still his son, but his intolerance puts him at risk of losing you altogether. Of course, if he recognizes this and still pushes through, perhaps your relationship would benefit from some space.
So, I did my letter. What you guys think? *I´m gonna post just the part that talk about the part of being gay. *Apologize for my English. I translated from the original in Portuguese. Dad and Mom, I´m writing this letter because I have a lot to say, but I don´t know if I could say in person. This letter is being posted to both of you at the same time. Before you take any decision, read until the end end, is really important for me, it´s, probably, the most important(and difficult) thing that I did in my whole life. Before anything, I´m gonna explain the reason why I´m doing this: I can´t see my life passing through my eyes and do nothing. For the last years I felt unmotivated and lost about everything in life. I don´t want, and can´t aloud anymore year after year, day by day to loose the opportunity to live. Anxiety and sadness reached my limit, and I decided that or it was my life, and a happy life, a life without the anguish that I carry everyday, or a a unhappy life, that by any way I wanna live again. I need to grow in life and there isn´t, like I said, worst feeling than see everyone being happy and progressing and I´m not. I need to have dreams, have motivation for what I want, and the reason for all of this is that I´m gay. It wasn´t easy to live these last years. I tried in all ways not to be, but I can´t not to be, is not an option, and if it was, I wouldn´t chose the hardest way. It´s me, but just a part of me , like my various others characteristics, but a characteristic that I can´t change. Fortunately, not everybody are the same. I tried many things through the last years and I failed and never understood why. Today I know: I didn´t try to be what I´m, I always tried to live to please others, but I can´t take anymore. I know that I´m for about 3 years, doubted and suffered for more. My plans were to graduate, get a job and get out of home to live what I´m really am, but I reached the limit, and this I carry with me was affecting in everything. To overcome this, I decided to write this letter. Sooner or later you would know, I decided that this was the moment. I didn´t tell before because I was afraid and didn´t want to hurt you. Despite all the anxiety and fear, to make this letter is the most relieving thing that I ever did. The moment of decision was last year, in November, when I almost faint thinking about the possibility that I still would have to life for more years hiding who I was. Than I realized that I should change, since things weren´t changing and everything was making me feel bad and sick. I didn´t want to do this through a letter, but is the best way to what I have and how much I have to say. Know that you have nothing to do with it, isn´t your fault, I mean, you didn´t influence for me to be or not to be; is something that is in me, independently from you or any other person. There ain´t necessity for you tell others, as I said, is something that is related to me, but is very important for me that you know. I know it will be hard for you, for me it was too. I asked the reason why did this happened to me, but there is nothing that I can´t do, except to live happy with it. People expect that there is a standard, that everybody be the same, but there isn´t. Many will keep suffering, are those who impose the standard, or those who are under it. It would be much more easier if everyone recognize that everybody is different. Not everybody is white, or black, or man, jew, woman, gay or straight. Everything that I went through teached to be stronger, and I´m not affraid what the others will think. Close to what it is not to live, not to sleep with a peaceful head, that´s minimal, is nothing. (...) Don´t feel guilty; all decisions¹ were mine, but is very important for you to know. Nothing I did was to hurt you. My Name. ¹These decisions are not about to be gay, but about others stuffs.
Hey. The letter sounds fine to me. Who am I to judge -- you know your parents better than any of us -- and you know what you want to convey to them as evidenced by your first post in this thread. Just give them the letter and be confident in the fact that you have the strength to come out to them. If things get a little tense, just stay calm and stand your ground. You've been dealing with this for many years, so you cannot expect your parents to deal with this in just a few minutes or hours or days. Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Hi there, One thing would be to work the idea from the footnote into the text of the letter. Unless it is usual in your language to have footnotes in personal letters. Regarding the content, you might want to tell them what in your relationship with them is particularly valuable and meaningful to you, that you hope will not change. The best things would be things that are very specific to you and them. And don't promise to stay closeted forever, even if that is what you intend. You can promise them some time to adjust, but you need to have the option to come out eventually if you need to for your own sanity. Secrets can eat your soul. Otherwise, I think it will be excellent. Good luck!
Your letter seems very calm and honest, with everything well organized, and seems to express everything you want to tell them. Well done. I wish you the best of luck when you deliver this to your parents.
