Coming Out to Christian Parents

My parents are conservative Christians as well. I just told my mom (who is more Christian, less conservative) under the assumption that we'd have a close family bond as always, but while she was always supportive and never kicked me out or anything, she freaked a bit and threw me off guard early in the process. My dad (who is less Christian, more conservative) was initially confused more than anything else but settled into calm tolerance mode once he realized I wouldn't be coming by dressed in leather harnesses or something.

The biggest thing to look out for is that they'll probably be really afraid of other people hurting you (emotionally or physically) and push you to remain closeted for fear of something like this happening. Needless (or maybe not, who knows) to say, they're letting their fear talk to them, so try not to let that get to you, and don't let the subject drop after you bring it up to them.

As far as the actual coming out...this is always unknown territory. If you're too uncomfortable with doing it face to face, you can always do something indirect (a letter, or email - I emailed my dad and it didn't seem to have any negative effect on the actual coming out). What are your circumstances vis-a-vis your parents? What kind of Christianity do they practice? (Catholic? Orthodox? "High" Protestant [usually Anglican, Lutheran, etc.]? "Low" Protestant [usually Baptist, Evangelical, etc.]?) The more you can say the more advice we can give you.

Good for you for deciding to do it though! If I can speak from my own experience, this will make a really big and really good difference in your life. Keep posting!

 

Ooo... leather harness... you got me sidetracked for a moment.

Back to the main topic, gravity pretty much said it all. We do need more info to give you a proper advice. To add to the list: your age, are you still financially dependent on your parents, do you have a close bond with your parents, do you think your parents might have known all along (which would make coming out easier), how are your other family members' (father, siblings) view on gays etc.?

 

I'm also tired of pretending but feel I'm stuck. I have the super Evangelical homophobic parents/family who think that homosexuality is a satanic choice that leads to bestiality. Growing up in that environment I spent most of my life in denial. Coming out to myself meant rejecting the faith I was taught as a child. I'm also close to my family as we all live within 10 miles and see each other on a weekly basis. I know I can't come out without destroying the relationship I have with them. However, having to be around their ultra conservative views is taking its toll on me and I'm starting to become more and more distant. I'm skipping some family events that I used to go to on a regular basis. They are all asking whats wrong with me, and of course I can't talk to them about it so I have to make something up. Sooner or later my two worlds will collide and I really don't know what will happen. I may be forced to move out of the state.

 

My parents are conservative Christians as well. They were both extremely homophobic.

But just like you, I was tired of pretending to be something I wasn't. I wanted to be myself around my family.

If you're going to do this, be prepared to expect the following:

Shock. My parents were in a state of shock for about a week after I told them, and they didn't talk to me very often. Don't let this get you down. They're just thinking things over and they will come back to their senses soon enough.

Denial. This didn't happen with my mom, but my dad tried to tell me that it was just a phase. I would outgrow the feelings. He gave me little pamphlets and printouts of "Why Heterosexual Males Sometimes Fantasize About Other Males" and crap like that. Don't lash out and be rude, but stand your ground. Tell them that this is who you really are, and that you are STILL the same person that you were before you told them.

Questioning. There's bound to be questioning, so always be patient and persistent. Answer all of their questions to the best of your abilities. This will ultimately help them come to terms with the fact that you are indeed LGBT.

After a while, they just eventually accepted me for who I am, and now they're proud to be supporters of the LGBT community.

I guess my main piece of advice would be to NOT let them get you down, no matter what their reaction. Stay true to yourself. They'll come around eventually.

Good luck. (*hug*)

 

Every time the topic's brought up? So you (or someone) has talked to your dad about this before?

The fact that your sister is okay with it is a good sign. What is your relationship with other family members? Are you out to them, or just don't think that they would have a problem with it? Even if it's just a suspicion, it may be a good sign for your parents. If everyone in your parents' family is cool with it, they may follow suit. Sometimes it's easy to frighten ourselves into believing that people's reactions will be worse than they actually turn out to be. Which is not to say that nobody reacts badly, just that not everybody's parents (not even all the conservative christian parents) will.

In general, I think the closer you are with your parents, the better it will go. I waited to come out to my dad until we got along better than we did when i first realized I was gay, and I think it was a good idea (not the waiting per se, just the idea of coming out to him when we were getting along well).

also, tennbad - sorry to hear about your situation as well. Would you actually have to move out of the state? I can understand the rhetoric taking it's toll, it's hard to hear repeatedly for so long. Feel free to come to my wall or message me, so as not to hijack the thread.

 

Aaahh sounds tough, I can really relate to your situation, but don't feel pressured like you have to come out to them now, or tomorrow; just something an online friend said to me and its really true. There's no hurry, so think about it and do it the way you think is best. I think if you do go for it, tell them direct, I suppose you're situation is different to mine, but I find in telling things directly, you're really in a position to see how they're feelings, see if take it bad, or if they expect it, etc. In telling them indirectly, you cant see their expressions, so you dont really know if they're being genuine in what they say

I'm sort of.. rambled a little, but in my experience, I think talking directly works best. Hang in there, hopefully you'll do great. Ohhh and hey, well done for having the courage to so!

 

I'd say go with what you feel would turn out parents. Not meaning to sound mean or anything, but none of us know your parents as well as you do. If you feel a direct approach would be best, then by all means go for it. But if there's a chance things will get quite well out of hand, an indirect approach might be best.

Also what everyone else has mentioned is true: be prepared for a range of reactions. Your parents just might have known all along and are just waiting for you to tell them (especially if you're thinking they're already suspicious) on your own timing. When I came out to my grandma, who's a very religious Christian, I'd felt that she'd been suspicious for a while and when I finally told her she confirmed that she'd pretty much known already but didn't want to force me to tell her so she didn't mention it. Sure right after I told her I'm gay her instant response was "No you're not" but after a bit of talking and a little time she's beginning to realize that it isn't just a "phase" and this is who I am. Every situation is different, but in many cases if you're able to detect signs of suspicious and you're not just being extremely paranoid, they're probably there.

 

First, I love how you deciphered between being "More Christian, less conservative" and "Less Christian and more conservative" haha, made me laugh! I love it. A lot of people don't think there is a liberal wing of the Christian faith but there is, its quite big but we're pretty normal and not outrageous so we rarely end up in the newspapers beside the likes of the Westboro Baptist Church and friends ;P

Anyway, I don't know how much my story will help. But I guess I am one of the lucky ones? Maybe not. Maybe again negative stories are louder. But I am Christian (Anglican/Episcopalian) so mainstream, I was raised in the church every Sunday. I'm obviously gay and a bit older than you. But my parents were great.

I came out to my sister first (might be easier to tell younger folks first?), and gained a lot of support from her then together we figured out how to tell my parents. Telling the parents was something I was pretty worried about because I had sat in church beside them, heard the same things and heard the gay jokes, etc.

Anyway, things turned out great for me. They were a little shocked, I am sure it took them sometime to deal with it, but they didn't second guess me. They didn't have a clue (my sister did though ^^), but things are good and life is sooo much easier and happier to live once you're out!

In the end the Bible isn't all that clear about homosexuality, and Jesus didn't even mention it. The quotes about homosexuality almost exclusively exist in the Old Testament; most of which Jesus told us not to believe in anymore when he brought the NEW Covenant. Either way, Jesus' message is clear -- and its something your parents and you can build a foundation on. We are to love eachother and leave the judging to him.

Best of luck and lastly, don't let anyone take your faith away from you. The Gay Community can be just as harsh on the faithful as the faithful can be on the gay community.

God Bless!