I came across this site today and it looks to be a marvelous blessing. So here's my situation: I live in a very conservative area, which has proved to be very difficult in itself. Most people here would consider themselves Christian Fundamentalists. Of course, self-acceptance was a VERY long process for me, but I love who I am now and would never change that. I've got a few friends who are more accepting and have come out to them, and they've been wonderful. Also, my parents know, and they've been great (my household is pretty liberal and very accepting of all kinds of people). However, though I'm not your gay stereotype (everyone says I'm exactly like Will on Will and Grace), I don't have many guy friends. However, there is one friend who also happens to be my best friend. Our friendship is worth more to me than anything, but I feel like our friendship is based partly on lies, as he doesn't know I'm gay. However, he's extremely homophobic and pretty conservative. It also runs pretty deep in his family. I have no idea what to do. I want to tell him and NEED to tell him, as I can't stand lying to him and want to share this important part of me with him. Yet, I don't think he'd react very well. People have told me that "if he were my friend, then he'd accept me", but his friendship is so important that I'm not willing to accept that statement. I can't lose him as a friend by telling him I'm gay (which I'm not sure if that would happen or not), but neither can I keep on lying to him. What do I do?
Its only lying if he asks you if you're gay and you say no, its not a question everyone asks unless they're really gay acting. Probably best not to tell him if hes very homophobic.
As a friend, I think you're obligated to tell him the truth. Sure, it's none of his business but if you're as big of friends as you say you are, how could you hide something like this from him? As to how...I agree with the last person that posted (waitingsucks). Jokingly asking them might do the trick. You can try to organize a movie night and pick a movie with gay themes and pretend you don't know what it's about. If you pick a comedy, it'd be easier to joke around and ask. Although, I don't know if you could take them seriously if they're joking around. My idea was a little lame...but of course, the best way would be to tell them. I know it's tough to lose a friend but it's probably tougher to live with the idea that your friend would hate you if he knew who you really are.
There is a time and a place for everything and you do not need to inform your friend that you are gay. At this stage of your life it is not something that needs to be done. You are not living a lie as the question has never come up and you have not been deceiving him. Perhaps later, after he has moved away from home and on his own for a while. Many times at your age and a bit older, there is a tendency for us to parrot our parents concerning various things we encounter, but find once on our own for a while, some of those thoughts or ideas are definitely not what we really feel. Since the friendship is important to you, why such a high risk need to say you are gay and perhaps lose that friendship. Another consideration in thinking about this, say your best friend is cool with you being gay, but now he has a burden on his shoulders with his conservative/religious family keep your secret from them and yet feeling he needs to define you again any of their bias. So it is not just your own emotions and feelings to think about. It really comes down to, is it really that important right now?
I suppose I feel more like I'm lying to myself and not to him. Like, it bothers me that I haven't told him, yet I feel like I can't. Maybe I just need to work through my own feelings about it first. He's gotten better about the gay issue in general. Like, it doesn't bother him too much when it's in movies or on TV, but it often turns into him making fun of it. Like, on New Years Eve we were watching football (which is weird....I never watch football) and there was a player that had the last name "Fagg", and he and this other guy kept making fun. I almost left the room. Thankfully one of my other friends told them to shut up. But I know I can't keep it from him much longer. I feel like I'm bursting to tell him. I think I'll wait until graduation is a little closer, that way we can have some time apart if need be so he can really think about it on his own time. I don't want to force him to have to "act nice" to me until he really wants to and it's going to mean something.
I don't really have any advice but maybe my story might provide some encouragement. My best friend was also very homophobic before I came out to him. He would say some very nasty things and it left me feeling very afraid of telling him because I didn't want to lose my friendship with him. Eventually something drove me to tell him. He kept getting on my case about some new girl at work that I wasn't showing any interest in and one day I told him. To my amazement he was very supportive. "It's 2007, nobody cares anymore if you're gay!" he said. To this day we are still best buds. I've since asked him why he said some of the things he did and he told me it was because he never knew any people who were gay. He apologized afterwards and it kind of makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside knowing that I changed someone's views about this kind of thing. Perhaps your friend may react the same way. I guess I'll suggest one thing and that is to tell him in private. That way there is nobody around and thus no reason to act macho. He can just be himself. Anyways, I hope it all works out.
I think there is a difference between homophobia and just conforming to society. Many people (teens especially), say words like fag, queer, gay, and stuff like that all the time because they hear it around them so much. It doesn't necessarily mean they are homophobic. Others may say stuff like about how they hate fags or something like that, but like in SlickyPants' (funny name lol) story, some people have just never met a gay person before in their life. Many have that "gay" stereotype stuck in their head and think that any gay person they meet will automatically be attracted to him. Like you said, you don't fit the "gay stereotype." Maybe it's time for you to break his mind's stereotype of gays by coming out to him? In my experience of coming out, I think I really underestimated the open-mindedness of many people. I fully came out in high school and not once did I have a bad reaction from anyone (a bad reaction being losing a close friend, homophobic remarks, or threats). Like you've heard before, if he is a real friend he won't take it bad. That is semi-true. If you do decide to come out, just know that in the beginning, he might not really understand, and if he doesn't, it is your job to make him understand. Show him that you are still you--no matter what. Show him you're the same person that you've always been. Good luck!
I felt like I was in your situation once as well. My closest friend in the whole world was quite homophobic and would regularly make casual homophobic remarks. I bit the bullet and told him I was gay. I told hi if he wants to talk about it I will answer everything truethfuly. We went to the pub, sat down and talked for about an hour and he's fine with it. I had another friend who kinda felt the same way and did the same thing with him. You can expect 3 questions: 1. How long have you been gay for? 2. Do you/ have you ever fancied me? 3. Does this mean we can't go out on the pull together any more? (this actually made me laugh for ages) I know people have said this to you - and they're right. If he is your friend he will be ok with it.
I would probably first try what Waiting sucks said- "You could ask him jokingly what would he say if you were gay. It's risky though." Try messing around and saying that to him. If your friendship means that much to you though and you don't want to risk it then it's probably best if you don't mention anything for now. I noticed that people were saying "if he was a real friend he wouldn't care", but I think that many people have best friends and care about them deeply but for some stuff, they don't take it too good. It's basically like telling your friend that you killed someone but now that bad lol. If they were a good friend they wouldn't tell on you? or wouldn't be mad and accept it? No, they would most likely not accept that lol. What I mean is that some people react differently and you can't just say if he was a real friend he would accept it. For me, I'd have to say that I've tried coming out to my best friend that i'm like in love with but right before I was about to say anything he told me that he was prefectly fine if his best friend was gay (me), but on the otherhand, 2 weeks ago me and him got in BIG argument and now were not really friends anymore and he decided to tell some kids but I completely denied it and everything and now I think everything is ok. But anyways we were best friends and he turned on me and told everyone and now he hates me. It seriously took a LONG time for me to adjust but now its all good. And also another thing is that you might hear people saying "this is so gay, or hes such a fag.. blah blah blah...", I wouldn't take that personally guys because I'm gay and I even say that stuff sometimes around my friends and i know that other people that say that stuff don't actually mean it like that. They just say it. like when you say shit, (ex: Oh, shit I forgot my keys!), you don't literally mean shit like poo lol.. anyways, that's what I think.
I had the same thing happen to me. U might change his views on gay people or u might just become the exception to the rule for him .... or he might still be homophobic. U need to be ready for any of the above to happen but at least you know there's hope of keeping ur friendship. I know people says this and it's probably little comfort to u, but it is true, if he doesn't like you just because ur gay then he's really not worth being friends with...u can do better. How u tell him is up to u ... i had a 'cryptic' conversation with my friend, i talked around the 'issue' without telling him (i kinda chickened out a bit lol). He later told me he went home after and sat thinking about what i could be talking about so by the next time i saw him (when i told him straight out) he was prepared for it. He did say the idea was a bit strange at first but his reaction was soo sweet and supportive. (One of the reasons i still have a 'thing' for him :icon_redf ) I dunno if that was any use but i might as well post it now lol
