Hi, everyone! I'm Samantha (or Sam, doesn't matter). I'm new to EC. I decided to join because all of my internet searches are leaving me more frustrated than I started. I think actually talking to people might make a difference. I'm sure this isn't anything new to you guys, but here's my story. I've always identified myself as bisexual. I've had relationships with mostly men, although there was a girl from high school that helped me open up to women. I've also had a few sexual encounters with women, and I enjoyed them very much. Lately, though, I've been feeling like all I want is to be with another woman. I want to start settling down, being more stable, and I want it to be with a woman. I've suddenly become completely uninterested in men. Everything's gotten so confusing. I was very okay with my bisexuality- I never felt like it was "wrong", and I was never ashamed of it. But this is different. I can hardly stop thinking about it. I feel like I know what I want- but since it's different from what I've always been secure in, it might be wrong. I'm having a really difficult time articulating this to myself, and without any other friends who know what this feels like, I don't know what to do with myself. I appreciate any responses, and I'm happy to try to explain anything else. Thanks for your time.
Bisexuality, for a large portion of LGBT people, is a transition phase on the way to fully accepting oneself as lesbian or gay. In the process of dealing with any "loss" (in this case, the "loss" of identity as straight), there are stages one goes through in coming to accept the loss: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Self-identification as bisexual can be a form of bargaining: "OK, well I like girls, but eventually I'll find a nice guy and settle down with him and have a normal life." It's much safer while processing the "loss" to "bargain" away the scarier part of it. But then one starts to realize that the "bargained" thought isn't really authentic, and when one starts to process the real meaning, then the very scary aspect of letting go of the identity one had as straight, and coming to terms with oneself as lesbian or gay, comes to play... and with that, a grieving of the loss of the "straight" self... and finally acceptance. Of course, there are some people who are genuinely bisexual and have no preference for one sex or the other... but most people end up somewhere toward one end of the spectrum or the other. There is no credible evidence that sexual orientation changes over a lifetime. Our acceptance of our selves, and who we are, does change, and our sexual identity or preference can change, but orientation is mostly fixed; if it was not, then it would be possible to change it, which it is not.
It sounds like you're pretty clear with yourself about what you want - which is definitely a good thing. Figuring that out is half the battle. On the other hand, you're experiencing this anxiety (if I hear you right) about the idea of being in a relationship with another woman. Do you have any idea where these feelings might come from? Does someone or something make you feel like it would be wrong? Or is it just the idea of it being so different that makes it seems strange to you? Also, welcome to EC! Glad you found the site - the "internet" can, indeed, be a vague and unhelpful place sometimes.
I think that this may be an issue of semantics here. That is not to say it is with out importance. Just so we are clear, are you saying that there is a sort of innate orientation, and that we may or may not be fully accepting of this at any given time, and that through self-discovery and self-acceptance, our actual behavior will become more in line with this base orientation?
Hi Sam, While I cannot deny Chip's point that some (even many) gays or lesbians use a bisexual identity as a bargaining chip, or way to come to grips with their sexuality, it's important for people to realize that there are *plenty* of us who are bi in the long term. More to your point, there are also *many* bisexuals (possibly even most, judging from the people I've spoken to, although this is not true of me) who experience shifts in their attractions to either sex. For instance, you could be attracted exclusively to women for a period of time, and then attracted exclusively to men for a period of time, and back and forth...for some I've spoken with it is cyclic; for others, erratic. I don't think of this as a shift in your sexuality...just a non-constancy in what you want (sometimes I can't get enough junk food; other times, I crave salads for several weeks). I think that bisexuality can be challenging for a monogamous person (I've been with my partner for 25 years now, and it has been increasingly challenging not to have men in my life). But I think that if you're looking for a stable relationship, and want that to be with a woman, look for that...but if I were you, I would be very hesitant to present myself as a lesbian, lest the interest in men comes back to you in a month or a year, and you find yourself eating words you wish you hadn't said. Be open and honest about who you are and where you've been...and maybe you'll get lucky and your partner will be bi as well, so the two of you can work through any shifts in attraction together. Good luck to you. *hugs*
First of all, thank you. All of you. I just need a moment to pick my jaw off the floor. I've never heard some of these things, and a lot of them are ringing true. biAnnika, that is how I feel I have been for most of my life. I saw my preferences as a see-saw, having one end farther up. But right now, it's vertical. I want absolutely nothing to do with men. Make sense? I had a very heated argument about 2 weeks ago with my sister's boyfriend. He tends to use insanely derogatory words about gays, and it set me off that night. I'd been struggling with this for weeks before this fight, and I suddenly felt like I had to stand up for who I am. The confusion has gotten worse since then. And, Chip, yours was the most difficult to read. I've done the bargaining before, a lot. My father is a Seventh-Day Adventist Pastor- god forbid I disappoint him. I also could not think of how to describe what this feels like, but the description of mourning my "straight" identity fits perfectly. I've deduced that I have more thinking to do. ---------- Post added 18th Mar 2012 at 03:51 AM ---------- I figured out how to describe it: I am uncomfortable with myself. It is terrifying.
Yup, that makes sense. But I have heard the same thing from bisexuals who have swung back to vertical (or close) in the other direction, as well. Given what you describe it makes perfect sense to me for you to avoid men, as long as you feel this way. My only point is that you should be extremely cautious about assuming those feelings will never change or shift, because for many they do. Yes, it does seem that you have more thinking/processing to do. This is tough stuff even without complicating family issues. I am curious: do/did you think that your father would be more approving of a bisexual daughter than a gay one? Or is the thought that if you were bisexual, you would be more able to hide your sexuality from your father?
Well, I've always hidden it from him. He seems to be slightly homophobic, as well as passionate about it being "immoral". I know he wouldn't be okay with either of them. My stepmother, however, seems to be more open. When I was about 14, she point blank asked me if I was gay, and she was very compassionate. I, of course, lied and told her no, but I think she'll be my saving grace if I do ever come out to him.
