Yo guys. So a little background to help you kinda get a feel for my sitch. I started dating guys when I was 14. I lost my virginity at 16. I've proceeded to have sex with over 10 guys since the first time. I always thought I was completely and utterly straight. I liked being choked, dominated, called mean names, and all the other shit that "freaky" girls loved to do. However... I always had very close relationships with a single female - crushes, so to speak. I was greatly concerned about their feelings and wanted to be around them as much as possible. That doesn't really mean much on its own I guess, but there's more to it. In the past couple of years, when a guy has performed oral on me, I pretended he was a girl. I never said anything to him, but in my mind I was just being "freaky" again. Because, ya know, girl on girl is hot...right? yeah. Must be it. I made out with a girl for the first time when I was 17. I was drunk, and it was my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend. At the time, I said I didn't believe in being bisexual and after we kissed (she said she wanted to "make our boyfriends hot"), she said she felt like she was bi - when she had never said that before. And it freaked me out. I've always surrounded myself with gay friends. I literally have more gay friends than straight friends, especially the ones I'm close to. I didn't know why I've always been so comforted around gay men. Now, this past New Year's, I was very intoxicated and had sex with a girl for the first time. I chalked it up to being drunk (I know, it's getting ridiculous). Then I started dating a girl who proceeded to leave after a few days - but it "wasn't me". I'm dating another girl now (I'm not sure for how much longer), but it's only been about a week. She already seems like my inexperience is too daunting for her. In essence, realizing that I like girls has sucked hard enough because I realize people will view/treat me differently, several family members won't accept it, and I have to field constant questions about my defined sexuality. But on top of that, the only two girls I've been involved with were scared away because I'm inexperienced. What the hell? ): I guess I feel like I can't catch a break. I'm really starting to think I'm just going to be alone forever. I'm really thinking about just holing myself up in my room and not speaking to anyone outside of class for a week. Also, the girl I'm currently dating has said I "act like a straight girl" - hurtful, because it seems that she's suggesting that I'm just going through a phase or something. This is hard enough to come to terms with, and on top of that I'm being judged. I don't know what to do /; tl;dr I have realized that the things I did/felt/thought in the past were all signs to me liking girls, and because I'm 21 now and just starting to get involved with girls, it scares them away. Now I feel FOREVER ALONE.:bang:
Well, that is a lot of stuff. Let me see if I can tackle some of this. If you are looking for a label, I am not the person to ask, as I find all of them somehow applicable, and all of them confining and inaccurate to some degree. I think we need to do away with labels in general - though you will see me refer to myself as gay/bi/queer on here repeatedly. Anyway, I am of the mind that only you can define yourself, and that you should be ready to back up whatever term you use to describe your orientation with an explanation of what that means to you. From what you wrote it seems like you have little internal conflict around being gay/bi/whatever, which is awesome. It sucks that you haven't met someone with whom you feel like a long-term relationship is possible, but this happens to most people. Who do you know that is happily in a relationship without some dating around first? Holing up may be fine for a while. It might give you time to think and sort things out in your head. Too long can lead to "closet syndrome" side-effects: anxiety, social phobias, depression, irritability, drug problems, eating disorders, and weight gain. People may treat you differently, don't hang around those people. Hang around people who will treat you well and respect you. Speaking of which, you ought to find out what your gf meant when she said you "act straight". I can understand why you are beating yourself up for coming out at 21. Especially when kids in middle school are making news and coming out at 10, 11, and 12 years old these days. Think about it this way though. Those kids had everyone older than them breaking the mold, so that the younger kids could come out. Also, the generation before us, the people in their late 40's to 50's, came out in college or later. You are between those two generations, so the early 20's is right in the middle. On top of this some people will not grasp their sexuality until much later, even in their late 40's. I never even considered the option until I was in my 20's, and I had hooked up with a guy as far back as middle-school.
I understand the dating around thing, I guess...it's just that I'm over that. I want a real relationship. I've been having casual sex or serious relationships since I was 18. I really just want to find someone and settle down. That may sound crazy since I'm 21, but I don't like hooking up with random people or anything. I get attached easily if I talk to someone about my feelings as well, so it's hard to do a casual thing. I'm completely comfortable with being in a relationship. I only realized that I'm not straight a couple months ago and I can already kiss my girlfriend or hold her hand in public. I call her babe in front of other people and treat her as I would have if she were male and I was in a heterosexual, socially acceptable relationship. But, I have internal conflict and apparently that's too much for her to talk to me about. And on top of that, she's been purposely trying to make me jealous because she thinks I'm very attractive and that I'll just leave her. SUCKS. I need one of these. (&&&) Thanks for the response though. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who took a while. ---------- Post added 18th Mar 2012 at 11:55 AM ---------- And when she said I act straight, she meant that I apparently "baby talk" to any males when I'm around them and flirt with them subconsciously. I feel like that's more because society expects women to act that way, not because I'm straight. And I don't think I actually baby talk. I just have the typical friendly/polite voice with randos.
(*hug*) I'm sort of in the same place in the sense that I am 22, and came out just a few months ago. I've been looking at a few online dating sights, but in general the guys there who are my age are not looking for someone who just came out. Of course this is not entirely true, but it sort of makes sense from the superficial place of they have already been there done that and are looking for someone who is totally comfortable with who they are or something like that. I also totally get the I want to settle down and have a real relationship thing. I dated, a few girls, didn't do much sexually, and it was fun, but it was never really meaningful. This also might be more of a reflection on your GF than on your relationship to your sexual orientation. We all have various emotional challenges and I wonder if this was not about your sexual orientation if she would still blow it off and not want to engage. Some people just struggle to understand emotion. Also, the purposely trying to make your jealous and the "acting straight" thing also raises some red flags. Its not that she doesn't like you, but she herself clearly has some insecurities in your relationship. This is definitely something you need to talk about with her. Finally, I want to remind you that now that you are coming out, you don't need to rush into a relationship. You may want one really badly, but is the person that you are dating, not the act of being in a relationship that is what is is about. I think about my first relationship. I wanted it to work so badly that I ignored all the signs that it wasn't working out. Anyway, I'm sure you'll get through this quite well. I mean that fact that you feel comfortable in public with your girl friend so quickly is really important -- somethng that i don't know I can say about myself.
