I got it

Remy, don't say that! I'm sure you're an amazing person and there's nothing wrong with you. Don't beat yourself up for nothing. Your parents are the problems, they're complete assholes. Trust me on this one.

 

The world may tumble down, and your world may crumble ‘round,
But life is too dang sweet, to halt another beat,
Of that sweet nectar’s treat, to fake another meet.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but each to our own song.
The band will play their tune, and none but our own swoon,
Can learn the pace or rhyme, of those we left behind.

The strength is swallowed down, around the lonely ground,
Reaching toward the sky, for every girl and guy.
This piece of mind shall sing, you must only let it ring,
Your inner voice be true, to those who still love you.
The members of EC, will always care for thee,
So don’t despair, you’re in our prayers, and hope is always free.

 

Bad kids do not sit around worrying if they're bad or not, and if you were "psycho" you wouldn't be wondering if you were psycho.

Your mother is not protecting you. She's being abusive. I'm really sorry to write that, I wish I didn't have to, but it's the truth.

As I've said before, please talk to someone whom you can stay with instead. You've mentioned that your grandmother would be willing to take you in. Give her a call.

 

I am not that familiar with your story but please do not kill yourself! I also agree with Gravity. If you were "bad" or "psycho" you wouldn't be wondering about it. You wouldn't care and you'd just go on with your business. Since you care, you're neither of those things.

I think that once you get out of the situation things may start looking up. Have you tried finding another place to stay?

 

Don't. Don't. Don't.
Every story has a happy ending, Remy, and if it's not happy, it's not the end of the story. You can't do this to yourself. You just need help. From your grandmother. 911. Anybody. But suicide is NOT an option. It WILL get better. I assure you.
You are a wonderful person and your mother is a bitch and your father is an asshole. Don't do this. You can pull through. I promise.

 

You're in a toxic home environment. You are not the problem. Escaping the toxic environment is one of the best things you can do for yourself. You should give yourself a chance. Give yourself a chance outside of the toxic environment to make it

 

Remy, it will be okay. Just hang in there. (*hug*)

 

But Remy, if you leave that house, you will get to see her again, right?

 

Can you try to deny everything and say you aren't gay and your girlfriend's just a friend? That sort of worked with my parents; though they're still insulting me, it's a little better than before. But it seems like your situation is worse, so that may not work.

You get out of the house to go to school, right? Maybe, if it gets too bad, you can get away after school and go stay with a friend or something?

Above all, just hang in there. It'll be over soon. Just lose yourself in music or a book or something when it gets too bad. It works for me; when I go to school I can almost forget what I'll have to face at 3 pm, and at home I have good memories to tide me over.

Hope I helped.

 

From the time I was a teenager until my adulthood (I'm 34 now), I have had a constant image floating in the back of my head: a noose. No matter what kind of day I was having or what mood I was in, that damned noose floated there to remind me of some pre-destined fate. I will tell you emphatically that that image was a lie from the very beginning and a manifestation of the self-hate and loathing I felt towards myself. While everyone's pain is personal and private, I, and many others on this board, can relate to the raging emotions and feelings you're going through right now. I will echo what others on this board have already stated: it gets better.

No one is promised a rosy, beautiful life and no one is immune from pain and heartache. Had I gone through with suicide by hanging, I would have only made things worse and missed on out on so much. I'm gay, but have never kissed or loved another guy. Had I listened to that noose, I would have missed every opportunity that life would have presented. I would have never come to New York and found peace. Going back, I would have missed out on living in Japan, going to China and Korea, working on a movie with John Travolta and James Gandolfini. I would have missed out on karaoke parties, getting drunk in the New Orleans French Quarters with my best friend. I would have missed my sister's wedding and the birth of my niece and nephew. I don't fully know your pain, but I can understand the turmoil you're under. Don't let your emotions make a permanent decision that you can't back away from.

Your last message stated you found a little bit of peace in some drifting music. Go with that. Do whatever it takes to find some solace in your life. If you can't vent at home, then rage here on the forums. Together, we are all strong enough to shoulder any pain you are feeling. You'd be surprised at what strength you can draw from a community of like-minded individuals. I've always been amazed at the strength and resilience that a woman can show when she is at her lowest. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for. You might not be able to see your girlfriend for the time being, but you have the opportunity to live for her and to see her again.

Once I came to New York and accepted being gay, that noose faded away. It no longer haunts my thoughts and nor do I foresee it ever coming back. Life is too good to be dragged down by negativity. I hold on to the hope of finding someone to love and eventually marry. Never in my entire life had I thought that possible until now. You'll get through this and you'll get better. We're here to help. There is so much support for you once you start looking. Talk to your parole officer about your situation at home. Let them know how much it's affecting you and that you need a safe environment in which to live in. That's what they're there for. If things are really bad, you can legally emancipate yourself from your parents. You don't need to wait to turn 18. You can do that now. Find a safehouse. I'm quite sure your community has one. If not, there are churches, families, and other organizations that will help people like you no matter the situation you're in. All you have to do is reach out and ask. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us informed of how you're doing. It will get better.