For those previously in a straight relationship

I have no answers .. but I do have a hug.

And I have the exact same feelings even though I'm a man married to a woman. Weird! I say don't rush to any decision, you get to decide when and how you want to do things. It's your life, right?

 

hugs to both Frustrated and PianoNate! if you are sad, there is no reason to continue being sad. you need to do something that will make you happy. if divorce is the only way, then maybe it's time to work on that. if you can think of another way to work things out, start that as soon as possible. and no you are not a tremendously fucked up woman, there is also such a thing as asexuality. not that labels are completely necessary, but sex is one of those things that isn't as simple as some people try to make it.

 

I'm continuing to think about this thread, so I wanted to say some more too.

You probably feel like I do, you hate to hurt your partner. I know a big part of my reluctance to come out and move on with my life is how much pain it's going to cause to someone I really care for. She's a beautiful person inside and out and has been my best friend for more than two decades. More and more, however, I find myself thinking: she deserves to have something genuine, and that's something I just can't give her. It makes me sad ... and a little bit crazy sometimes ... but it's reality.

That being said, there's no rush to decide. We each define ourselves on our own timetable. The trick is to try not to act when you're in your 'crazy'. lol

 

i'm not from a particularly christian background, but from what i understand god does everything with intention. god/the universe/whatever you'd like to call it did not forget about you. both you and your current husband deserve to be completely happy, i wish you so much happiness!

 

I'm not married and never have been married (as I'm too young to get married ) but I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend at 1 1/2 years of a relationship because of my sexuality. It took him a few days to get over it but eventually he was okay, and we're still best friends. I was so scared of hurting him, but he actually took it pretty well.
I'm not saying that that'll be the case for you and your husband if you do get divorced, but it is a possibility. As the others have said, don't try to rush to make decisions, you have a lifetime's worth of time on your hands. If you decide to divorce, try to talk it out with him nice and easy, in a calmly manner. It worked out well with my ex, so why not your husband? :3
And don't be sad, it's okay. We're here for you.

 

Read this book: Finally Out, Letting Go of Living Straight. The author is not judgmental and writes about the possibilities in your situation well. It is written by a psychiatrist who came out later in life, while married. He does end up divorcing, but writes compassionately to those who may not see that as an option.

 

So true. Thanks for saying this.

 

Sorry that was unhelpful - I have no answers either. I'm 20 with no marital experience. Everything said sounded good to me. I guess it's also about what marriage means to you.

 

I've been where you are at. I was married and came out at about the same age. It's normal to be confused. In my case, lots of the confusion and foot dragging was because I hadn't fully accepted myself and my situation. Once I became more comfortable with myself, I was able to move forward.

I recognized early on that I'd never be happy staying in the same place. Staying in the marriage was only going to cause our problems and issues to continue. So we decided to divorce. We worked together on the plans so that we could still be part of each others lives. We have kids, so we didn't really have a choice. We made our plans to slowly separate in order to give our kids time to adjust. Today, I live a couple of miles away. I see the kids 3 or 4 times a week. We all go to church together and out to eat each week. My wife and I are both in a better place now. We aren't both living the perfect life, but we are living a much better life than we had.

I'm not telling you to divorce, I'm just telling you to look at the relationship as a whole and decide if you can make it work or not. You and your husband both have to be happy if you're staying together. If you're separating, try to work together to make it as easy as you can on each other.

 

I may not have ever been married, but this describes me quite well also. well with the specific genders switched

firstly (*hug*)

secondly, I'm working through this too, but the one thing I keep coming back to is that I can't change who I am, and I really can't go on living the fake life I have been. It's incredibly frightening to think about it after so many years the "accepted" way, but I don't think we really have a choice. I've been unhappy with any "lovelife" i've had for my entire life and I'm just not going to take it anymore...

 

I know the feeling you're describing. I've been there. You get along great, you're very close, you DO love him, but getting intimate feels like a chore... Have I hit the nail on the head here?

Trust me -- I know it's difficult now (one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do), but once you do it, you will be SO much happier. You need to take the reins and go after YOUR own happiness. Life is too short to sacrifice your happiness in order to avoid upsetting others -- even if you love them to pieces. If you don't take care of you, who will? In fact, if you're unhappy in your relationship, you'd be doing yourself AND your husband a favor by cutting it off sooner rather than later. Don't invest more time in your relationship than you need to if you know deep within your heart that you'd be happier dating women.

And by the way, just because things don't work out romantically between you two, doesn't mean you still can't be close. My ex-boyfriend felt more like a best friend to me than a lover, particularly near the end when I was struggling with my sexuality. I DID care for him deeply and loved him dearly, but I wasn't as attracted or connected to him as I could have been. Long story short, we split, and remained best friends to this day, even though it is now years later. It's difficult at first... but once you get through it, you will be so proud you did. You will be much happier. And hey, as Kelly Clarkson once said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Going through with it and handling it in the proper manner will only help you grow and help you in future relationships to come. Don't let it wait and allow resentment to build and unhappiness to settle in. Take control and make yourself happy. That should be your number one priority.

 

Sometimes those around us are able to see things that we ourselves can't. This might be the case in this situation.

The 'vibe' I'm getting here is that your husband isn't an ideal guy. He's been emotionally abusive in the past and with this current situation he's in denial mode. He certainly isn't be supportive of you, and isn't looking to actively resolve the current issue.

I'm not sure you're doing yourself an favours by staying. Other than, perhaps, avoiding the unknown. And that's a natural response, because the unknown is scary. I didn't want to divorce either, but it was my wife who decided that she needed to do that for her own sake. She wasn't sure I'd ever be truly happy with her and she didn't know whether she would ever be able to trust me (I had cheated on her with other men). And I was terrified with the idea of having to start over.

In the end, it was the best thing for both of us. We're both happier than we were at the end of our marriage, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Yes - I pulled the rug out from under my wife, who was living the life that she wanted to be living. But I didn't 'ruin' her life either. We were very fortunate to be financially comfortable, so we were able to sell our one large home and buy two small ones that we were both happy with. We maintain a very good relationship - which is important given that we're parenting our two daughters together, and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives. We'll always be parents together.

She has since remarried, and so have I. (Yay for same sex marriage laws in Canada!) We live within 10 mintes of each other so that we're never far from our kids. It's a pretty amazing arrangement that we have. I'm lucky.

So things can likely be better for you. Don't stick to what is familiar. It sounds like you have lots more to offer, and lots more to enjoy.