Three weeks ago, I was on the verge of a suicide attempt. I was walking across a bridge on campus, I stopped, looked over, the story of "Prayer's for Bobby" came into my head and the quote in the book where he talks about being free like a bird. I was very close, but I slowly walked away. I posted on my facebook two things that night, the first being a letter to my friends saying that I'm sorry I can't be the person everyone wants me to be and the second before I went towards the bridge, "darn, they put a railing up on the bridge and it's too high to climb". That obviously signaled several of my friends, one who told me she was coming over to spend the night. I've been in and out of depression in the last year. My last job on the road ended badly and it began with a guy who I was on the road with who verbally abused me. The second was a summer job at a theme park where I fell for a guy who it ended up not working out and we began a bitter feud. Since then I've been a therapy and on meds. I yet wake up with this guy on my mind and go to sleep with him on my mind. He won't go away. He has never forgiven me for the way I fought back during our feud. I've tried really hard to forgive him but it just won't go away -- the hurt won't go away. I don't understand why it had to end like that. It's been hard in the last few years for me to write that success story. I seem to hit a brick wall where ever I go. I'm alone. I really don't know what else to do. I don't have any mentors in my life, I don't have a close relationship with my mother, I'm many miles away from my family and most of my friends are tired of the fact that I can't seem to move on from the bitter past. I don't know what's wrong with me, but my past is haunting me and it strangles me. I wish I had more people I could talk to and someone I could connect with on a deeper basis. I've tried to be content being alone, but I can't. I don't know where else to turn. I feel hated and there are days I think I'm just a waste of time and breath. It's a dark turning point, a harsh reality sometimes, but i'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Please help.
Awww, first thing is first: you need a big hug. SECOND, you may not realize it at times, but your life is so important to you family and your friends. You should never feel like you're a waste life, because you aren't. Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem. So many people that love you would be devestated if you were to take your own life. Moving on can be a tough thing, and it takes some people longer than others to get over things. If you haven't already, try to make ammends with him. Honestly, he can't possibly stay mad at you forever... even if it doesn't seem like, he can't. And he wants to be the drama queen and try to make you feel like crap, then be the bigger person and give up on wanting his forgiveness. Because if he's only staying mad at you just so you can feel like crap, then you're giving him exactly what he wants. I know I'm only a kid, but I honestly hope that what I said makes an ounce of sense. And trust me: THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
This can't be emphasized enough: recovery from grief and recovery from depression take time. Lots of it. Oodles of it. Therapy and medication aren't quick and easy fixes. They're part of a slow, deliberate process. It took me a year and a half of therapy before I was mostly symptom-free, and even now it's a battle I fight on a regular basis. Recovery is possible, and it is definitely worth it, but it takes a lot of time and work.
I don't know the full story here - only what you've written in this post. You fell for a guy, he ended up not liking you back (apparently). However it went, you argued and fought, and now I'm assuming you're not on speaking terms now, and you can't "let go". What are you thoughts on him? Are you just still angry at him for not accepting you? Or at yourself for what you might have said to him? The rather pithy statement to make here is that we screw up sometimes. We end up making moves we shouldn't've, and sometimes we lose friendships from them. And sometimes, those friendships are broken beyond repair. Sucks, but there it is. At that point, the right move is to try to sort through the wreckage (briefly), find what lessons might be there, and move on. You say you do have friends, but they're getting tired of you not letting go of the past. Is there something about the past that makes you unable to let go? Lex
I am also going through a very difficult time. I am not a therapist and I will not try to be one. The only thing I can say is that you are not alone and that it will get better. Surround yourself with your friends and carry on. There is only one way to go and that is forward.
Years ago, soon after I started therapy, I had a similar situation. I was in the process of ending a relationship with this woman, and basically she was crazy, and soon after it ended I got this "hate mail" telling me what an evil piece of shit I was. I talked to my therapist about it, and one of the most important pieces that, at the time, was a real revelation for me, was incredibly simple and yet profound: Life isn't neat and tidy. Things won't always end neatly, and people will be angry at you, and you at them. Whether or not it's warranted is irrelevant; it happens, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. It does no good to think about "what if" or any of that because... it's in the past, and done. I think if you can start thinking about it that way, it might be easier to let it go. Has your therapist talked much about this issue with you? If not, what sort of things are you discussing with your therapist? Clearly these issues are tied into other similar issues you've described in the past, and I'd hope your therapist is delving into the core issues and helping you connect the dots. If, instead, s/he is simply giving you coping mechanisms and not dealing with the core issues, you might need to have a talk with him or her and/or consider trying a different therapist. I would also very strongly recommend getting Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "I Thought it Was Me, but It Isn't." Both are amazing books that speak about shame, low self esteem, and how those issues permeate much of our being and interfere with our ability to live happily and wholeheartedly. She's also got three excellent videos, two TedX and one Ted, that I highly recommend watching. All should be available on Youtube.
The full story is I started last summer in a new place. New job, new surroundings. I fell for this guy at work. We hung out a few times, I gave him a birthday card for his birthday and then he started spreading a rumor that I "tricked him out on a date." That started a spreading like wild fire around work and people were hazing him about us liking each other. He stopped talking to me. I tried to get him to talk to me and he wouldn't. He took me off his facebook and started telling people I was stalking him. He won favor of all the performers at work, they started feeling sorry for him and then they started purposely going behind my back not inviting me to parties and then they hooked him up with a fellow performer. They kept it a "secret" all summer, dated behind my back. In the end it was an awful way to start a new adventure. He also is a student where I entered grad school, however, I ended up making a lot of friends and these kids don't fall into the drama. They are very professional here, so he hasn't had a leg up. Once he started talking about me, one of my friends told him to stop and grow up. It's been awkward though, because he won't talk to me, not even say "hello". I will be the bigger person, say "hello" or congratulate him on a show he worked on. Whenever I walk into a room, he walks out. It's just a situation that shouldn't have gotten as far as it has. - I am angry about the whole situation of first, moving to my college town early instead of staying with people in the town I was working in (a matter of a hour away). - I am angry the conflict escalated to where my boss had to get involved and in the end I was at fault because I was older and she favored him. (I wasn't asked back this year) - I am also angry that he keeps ignoring me instead of wanting to talk and just let it. - I am angry that I can't let the situation go. I'm angry that I regret how we both handled the situation and the back stabbing that took place. - I guess most importantly my friends are upset that I have so much built up anger towards the past that I keep playing the "what if" game. I feel like I'm rushed to get over this, I feel like I never will. I also feel really horrible for even liking him in the first place. ---------- Post added 19th Mar 2012 at 10:01 AM ---------- My therapist has told me that he feels it's not my time to let it go yet. I really do want to let it go. I just can't seem to and I want to. I ruined my reputation with two jobs in one year and I feel so horrible about it. Thanks for the book references.
