I've identified as a lesbian for so long that it hardly seems fathomable to be anything else. But there is an exception to every rule, is there not? The exception for me is a friend who was in love with me. I don't know if he still is. One night about three years ago we lay on his bed and all I wanted to do was roll over on top of his and kiss him. I've thought about him sexually, albeit briefly before catching myself and burying the thoughts somewhere deep. I finally admitted I had feelings for him, to myself, one night when we were both seeing other girls. I cried that night. Everything I had thought about myself had shattered before my eyes and my heart broke. I loved him. I don't think my lack of attraction to men is based on my sexuality alone. As I get older I am becoming more and more suspicious that something has happened to me during my childhood that may have made me terrified and ashamed of any kind of attraction to the male body. I have always been very attracted to women and I know that won't ever change, but somehow I suspect I may not be so turned-off by men. I do remember distinct events of sexual abuse, but looking back they seem very minor. My brother and his friend used to make me play games where I'd have to touch them. When I was 9 and my brother was 12 he tried to get me to touch him again. I got out of that situation easily enough and never told anyone until I was 17 or 18. But I do have this sick feeling in my gut, especially lately, that something worse happened to me. The more I try to remember the more I feel like I'm just hitting a wall in my mind. Almost like trying to remember an answer to a test question you didn't study - you know there is an answer but you can't remember what it is. Anyway. That aside, the point remains. I'm in love with a guy. I'll probably be seeing him a lot more since I'm moving back home and we both plan on going out with friends for weekly wings and drinks and playing tennis throughout the summer. I'm excited for it, but I'm kind of nervous too. I'm not sure what I want, I'm even less sure how he feels, and I know I'll probably dumbly just continue our friendship even though I know I have these damn feelings. I guess I'm just blowing steam. On top of everything - debt, moving, dealing with some other crap I got myself into - this is just stressing me out more than it should. I would love to talk to him about it but I have no idea where to start. I have no idea what I would want - a relationship, just friendship, just telling him and getting it off my chest. I don't know. I'm having a hard enough time just admitting to myself that I have feelings - and a sexual attraction - to a guy. Maybe I just like being gay too much. Sorry this is so long. :S
Do you feel sexual attraction to men other than your friend? Could it be that your friend is the exception to YOUR rule? Maybe you are bisexual, maybe you are a lesbian, but does it really matter? you've been able to admit the truth to yourself, and so what if you love a guy, love is love. Also, try not to dwell on the idea that something happened to you that you hid from yourself. The truth is that memory is not reliable. If you think something bigger happened to you and you think about it often, you can create that memory even if it didn't happen. Anyways, regardless of if it did or not, the past is the past, and if your brain decided to hide it from you, it was probably for good reason anyways. So let your brain do it's thing and manipulate your memories to make you happy, don't try to unravel your thoughts because that can just make things worse. I tend to worry about things in the past a lot too, but you just have to remember that you are okay.
Sounds like a pretty good guy, are you both single now? As far as childhood memories go, they can be tricky. I have read that "repressed" memories are not always reliable, and in some cases they can be total figments of a persons mind. However, if you remember something that happened, you ought to talk with a therapist about it. You could also spend some time talking with your friend about all of this, maybe he feels the same way. Or, the two of you may decide to remain friends. Either ways it's a win. It sounds like you are finishing up with college. I say this because you mention moving back home for the summer, debt, etc. If this is the case focus on solving those issues, don't get so distracted by your other issues that you don't take care of your life. Prioritize. Let us know how it goes.
disclaimer - i didn't read the entire thing since i prefer not to read about abuse and also think that, though past experiences can be incredibly important in discovering who you are, just writing about it means that you've somewhat gotten over it. also you've identified for so long that you must be pretty comfortable with yourself. you don't have to necessarily change your label. i also think that there can be one special person. my friend was completely straight until she met this one girl that totally changed her life and is pretty much committed to for life (even as a college student). things happen, and it's a pretty good situation to be in.
Well, I know this is older but I just wanted to say that you're not alone. I thought I was a flat out Kinsey 6. But somewhere in my senior year of high school I fell in love with my best friend. I don't know why or how, but I did. It left me confused for months and I just tried to ignore my feelings for him. Finally, I realized that I had already struggled with myself and accepting who I love and I wasn't going to do it a second time. So we started dating. We're now married and have a two year old little boy. It's still weird to think about sometimes. I don't even know what to call myself. I like women and I don't like men - except the person I freaking married is a dude. You'd be surprised how many people I know in the same situation, though.
about this issue. speaking from my own experience, I never ran into a "wall in my mind". For me It was something I did not think about or honestly really remember until college. I met a friend for lunch one afternoon and she was distraught, basically in tears. A course she was in talked about this issue and it had brought back memories of her own abuse...we talked and I was able to help her some, but the talk seemed to have the same affect on me and I wound up skipping class that afternoon, going home and crying. I remembered it all and have never had any "walls" or felt like there was something more my mind was hiding from me. Its possible I could have completely blocked something out but it seems highly unlikely. I'm certainly not saying that that isn't the case with you, but from my own personal experience that wasn't the case. I really think it's something you should talk with a therapist about. They will be able to help you far more efficiently with this issue. as for me, I have never felt that the incidents of sexual abuse as a child turned me gay. certainly I had plenty of evidence I was interested in men before I ever even really thought about the times I was abused. But honestly even if that were the case I don't think it would matter. I am who I am and I know what interests me. I think you most likely know who you are and you know what interests you.
