Please help

I cannot for sure tell you whether coming out or not is the right decision, but I can tell you this: If you're 39 years old now, I'm going to safely assume you've had plenty of time to think about yourself. Remember, just because you've never been with a man, doesn't make your feelings and desires any less real.

Lots of people here write letters to their loved ones: It lets them clarify and organize thoughts and present the dilemma in an orderly manner. I would try writing some drafts perhaps.

I'm sorry, that's all the advice I can give!

 

ok, lets look at this. you are almost 40. lets say the average person lives to 80 (and many people live well past that) but you have spent 1/2 your life craving men. so let me ask you somethign.....did it go away over the past 40 years? has it decreased? only you will know that. and i can suspect that if the answer is no, you can expect that it will not for the next 40. so we have an answer to that question, no its not really goign anywhere.

let's move to the next question, the ole "chicken before the egg" or "gay label before the sex" dilemna. its the same question, which comes first? being gay has nothing to do with the sexual act. you can never have sex with a guy and still be gay or bi. i personally think it is your desire to have sustained relationship with a man that determines if you are gay. now with that said, you are indeed correct, you may not like it at all. it may feel weird to you. maybe u will hate the sex. maybe what the porn looks like seems romanticed or exciting but when you are the person physically in the act, maybe u will dislike it altogether. maybe this maybe that. the point is, there's no way to know unless you try. so you have to determine if your marriage and current life is worth the chance you may not enjoy the new life you are going to live as a gay man.

many will tell you that they felt free and happy and like everything made since after tehy left their marriage and pursued a gay relationship with a man. there are many people like that on here that had that experience. however, equally im sure there are other people that will tell you that pursuing gay in their 40s was daunting and maybe they have regrets about leaving the safety and comfort of a straight identity, spouse, home, etc. its a 50/50 toss up. since you are not going to cheat (and i commend you for that), then there's no way to know unless u end it.

my suggestion before doing anything rash is to talk things thru with a counselor specializing in these issues. they can help you see the true nature of your feelings and what you may or may not be ready to do with them. only then will you be able to move forward.

lust will always be there whether you are gay or straight. straight men, lsut for the blonde girl he sees and wishes he could have been with but never had the chance to when he was single. so your interest in men or cravings are no differnet. however, you have to count up the cost to see what is more important for you in thsi stage of your life.....pursuing the guys or staying with the current situation.

also plesae note that if you decide to enter into gay dating when or if you are single, get an experienced gay friend to help you navigate teh world of gay dating. yes, there are relationshipo oritneted people out there but there are many guy that just want to have sex just like with straight guys. the only thing is with straight guys, they ahve the girls that are making them hold off. with gay guys, the other guys often is not making them "wait" so there becomes a "hookup" culture that is not only accepted and practiced but in some environments somewhat expected. just determine what you want and find the best places to meet those types of people. dont look for a husband in a club. or dont look for a quick hookup within a group of gay men that want relationshiops.

 

There are a few people here who are/were in the same position as you so I'll leave it to them to advise you as they can speak from experience.

If they didn't appear in this thread, try posting again but this time, use a different title that will catch their attention such as "Married man in need of help" or "Married man coming out as gay" etc.

All the best.

 

Like the above said, nobody can tell you if coming out now (or in the near future, or at any point) is the best option for you. Only you, given your circumstances, can answer that for yourself. We're all more than willing to give advice though, and input from our personal experiences.

I'm not as old as you, but the one thing that has accompanied my coming out is a greater sense of self. And the one thing that I really learned about myself throughout this whole process is that I need to trust my gut instinct more. By nature (and field of study), I'm a very rational, overthinking kind of guy. I now know when it's best for me to turn that side of me off, even though it's difficult.

That being said, just look at what you posted. Even when explaining your feelings, you immediately went to the idea that you do like men... and THEN second-guessed it. So if I've got one piece of advice, it's trust your gut. More often than not it knows what you really want.

 

I was where you are at about 2 1/2 years ago. People on here recommended getting a therapist. That was the best money I ever spent. She helped me to figure out what I wanted and then helped me with the coming out process. I also questioned if I was truly gay, but after talking with the therapist, I accepted what I already knew. The questions finally stopped for me.

Today I am out to everyone who matters to me. It was a scary thing, but no where near as hard as I thought it would be. My wife and I separated and are better friends today than we were before. My kids are all still in my life. I didn't lose any friends or family.

So my advice is to try to find a therapist and start talking about it. Not only will you figure yourself out, you'll learn a lot about yourself and your marriage. It definitely will help if/when the guilt comes (and it almost always does) regarding what to do about the marriage.

 

I was probably one of the people who provided this advice, because I went through this about 5 years ago. I didn't remain faithful but I wish I had. I don't think it was necessary to determine that I was gay. I just wasn't prepared to be honest with myself or anyone else in my life. But you are. So find someone to talk to about all this.

You've arrived at and accepted the fact that you're gay. That must mean that you aren't really attracted physically to your wife, or would rather be with a man. Out of fairness to both her and you, it's time you came clean on that. Having an unbiased professional to help you with the thought process and the communication will prove invaluable.

Also feel free to send me a personal messsage if you want to talk one on one.