1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Scared to let people know I'm gay, but don't want them to think I'm straight

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by musikk021, Mar 20, 2012.

  1. musikk021

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2012
    Messages:
    539
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I feel so conflicted because I don't understand my contradicting mentality. I really want to come out, since I'm extremely depressed and have anxiety issues from hiding and other things. But there's one particular person I cannot let find out, so I don't come out to anyone who knows or is in any way connected to her. I hate when people just assume I'm straight and ask me about boys and say things like "your future husband" etc. It makes me extremely uncomfortable but at the same time, I am too afraid to say that I'm gay. So it's like, I don't want people to think I'm straight but I'm also scared to let them know I'm gay. I already have no self-esteem and have isolated myself almost completely. There are a few friends I'd like to tell, but I'm scared to lose them.

    I have had some really good opportunities to come out but always couldn't do it. For instance, my friend directly asked me, "Do you like gay people?" It would have been the perfect moment to tell her I'm gay, but instead, I just got all awkward, looked down, and said, "Of course."

    I feel so stuck.
     
  2. secretguyX

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2012
    Messages:
    597
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Long Island
    I can't even begin to describe how much this relates to how I was last year, exactly. For that person you don't want to know - I'm sure anyone whose mutual friends with them that you were to tell would keep it a secret from them if you asked. If you have specific friends you want to tell, I'd tell the one you trust the most first, then you would have more courage to tell the others. It's no good to keep it hidden, especially if you want people to know, and it would help your self-esteem a lot. It's really important to be able to talk about it openly with at least someone. The first person I told (she kind of guessed, I wasn't planning on telling her yet) is the last person I feel comfortable talking about girls around. You should really tell someone who won't give a crap about what your sexuality is. But if people mention gays, like that one friend, they're sure to be excepting. Just make yourself do it, it's hard, but well worth it.
     
  3. SkyDiver

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2012
    Messages:
    885
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alberta
    I think you should definately work on building up the courage to tell your close friends for starters.

    If they are truly your friends, they won't have a problem with it. If they do, they'll get over it. If you do lose some of them, well, then you know who you definately do not need or want in your life, right?

    Do you know how they feel about homosexuality in general? Do they say supportive things? Homophobic things? Try to bring up gay/lesbian celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres, or TV shows featuring gay/lesbian characters like Glee... etc.

    Once your friends know, it will be that much easier to feel good about yourself and comfortable about your sexuality.

    I see that your "out status" is set to "a few people". Are those people supportive? Who are they?
     
  4. musikk021

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2012
    Messages:
    539
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am out to some people because at my university, I attended a handful of GSA meetings. The people who have seen me there know I'm gay. I have one close friend, a gay guy, who is the only person I hang out with at school and he knows. There is another girl who I'm acquaintances/casual friends with who knows, and she's gay as well. Basically, nobody who is straight in my life knows...which is my main concern. For me, coming out to gay people doesn't really count since they obviously have no reason to object.

    The straight friends I want to come out to are definitely gay friendly. One friend has a group of gay guys that she hangs out with, but most straight girls love gay guys to begin with. I don't know how she feels about lesbians. She does always obsess over female celebrities and says that she has lesbian crushes on them haha. Another friend of mine is also gay friendly. I actually got so scared of telling her that I pushed her away to avoid having to come out and losing her. Then she made friends with a lesbian and ended up rooming with her in an apartment together. The girl who asked me that question about liking gay people...she "used" to be sort of homophobic. She would say that it makes her uncomfortable seeing or thinking about two people of the same sex kissing and stuff, but now, I'd say she supports gay rights but may not be entirely comfortable with the idea still.
     
  5. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    You seem to be in that tricky spot where you want to be yourself, but are not yet ready for everyone to know who you are. I was there not too long ago (still am, slightly), and it sucks. One thing that helped me a quite a bit was when I realized there was one person that I didn't have to hide anything from, whatsoever. That person was myself. I wasn't letting myself be myself around others for so long, that it took me a while to realize that I wasn't even being myself inside my own body. I was acting fake to myself too! Once I stopped doing that, it added a lot of clarity to who I was as a person and allowed me to go forward with more self assurance of who I was. Not to mention it helped to unwind a lot of anxiety. 'Cause if you can't open up completely to yourself, who can you open up to?

    Sorry if that was really weird and confusing and didn't make much sense, but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
     
  6. silkfrog1292

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2011
    Messages:
    440
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hong Kong
    i'm at the exact same place as you are now. I just feel so angry and depressed these days. Just today i let an excellent oppurtunity to come out slip right out of my fingers. I feel like i'm about to explode and just want to tell someone, anyone who i really am. But i couldn't make myself do it. It's just excruciating
     
  7. musicgeek13

    musicgeek13 Guest

    I know exactly how you feel. I have told exactly one person and no one else knows. Im involved with the gsa at my school but everyone just figures im a supportive friend because i go to the meetings with my best friend who is gay. It sucks cause im kind of stuck as far as wanting some people to know and not wanting to tell anyone.
     
  8. SA Boy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2011
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I feel almost exactly the same. I have lots of anxiety issues and all my friends are straight boys, i don't think any of them think i'm gay. My closest friend points out girls to me in my classes and asks me "which would you go out with?" etc.
    I feel so bad for lying but they are sure not to take the truth well, so no idea what to do.
     
  9. greeneyes

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2011
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NY
    Yep, have felt this way and still do sometimes. I was particularly offended when one of my gay friends put me in the "straight people" pile so later I came out to her. Also I didn't want her to think I was interested in her so as soon as I found out she had a girlfriend I jumped on the chance haha.

    But a lot of good points have been made above. It's whatever you feel comfortable about. When my roommates talk about their crushes/hook-ups/boyfriends etc and ask me how my life is going I can only share a part of it. I don't want to say oh by the way there's this really cute girl who's super shy around me but I see her acting super goofy and hot around her friends and I really want to get to know her so she feels comfortable and then I can ask her out. That said I don't plan on telling them because they're my roommates and it would be extremely uncomfortable and I'm not living with them next year so it's only a couple more months.

    I guess what I mean to say it's whatever and whomever you feel comfortable with. Start with those people.