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Trying to so hard to escape this obsession with him..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JIM22, Mar 21, 2012.

  1. JIM22

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    Hi all, I just discovered the forum and promptly signed up as there is something really affecting me and I am hoping for some support/advice.:slight_smile:

    Bit of background, I've been aware I was gay all my conscious life and although I've had my share of internal problems with it in the past (including an eating disorder and Social anxiety, BDD), I was never in total denial of who I was. I feel I've finally come to a place, where I could be content with it, if the memory/presence of this guy was constantly plaguing me all the time. Maybe once upon a time I was in love with him, but it's manifested itself into a powerful obsession I cannot rise above.

    I lived with him, two years ago in university halls, and he was the only person to constantly go on at me about my sexuality (I still don't know how he could be SO sure I was gay back then since I'm hardly obvious and didn't tell anyone), anyway he kept trying to make me come out (not in a nice way at all, but in public humiliating way), however despite that we were close and i still valued him as a friend despite the pain he was causing me. One day..I just saw him differently and something about him became so very potently attractive to me, and he invoked feelings in me I had never experienced before. I suppose this was fuelled by the fact there was a lot of talk about his own sexuality as he'd also done some pretty questionable things such as; getting drunk and spooning a guy in bed and exposed himself to a guy who was gay. He has very homophobic views and would constantly say he couldn't understand anything gay and couldn't take it seriously, but would quite happily touch guys as long as it's remembered it's a "joke".

    The hardest thing I ever had to do was tell him how I felt, when drunk and he rejected me and it hurt so much. But that wasn't the end of it, he brought it up time and time again trying to make me admit I fancied him, which I did admit and he then went on to do things to lead me on. Including that he touched me sexually when I was drunk in front of people, despite me saying no and to be be abused by someone you feel so much more is a pretty tortous feeling. It all ended in me falling in love with him and I desperately told him this by text when he first got involved with this girl to see if it would make a difference. It didn't and I had to leave the accom as the thought of him being with her was agony.

    I did try to get through to him some months after, told him how he damaged me more than I've been in my life, "really" was the reply, and that he didnt even feel bad to which he said he did, and I saw a look of sadness and regret that I had never seen from him. He left shortly after and I tried to send him message to get him to confront his sexuality but he just ignored them.

    This is when I got a little crazy..I sent a letter to his parents detailing everything he did to me and that he is likely to be gay. I don't know the impact it had but tafter the break he went out with this other girl who had an obession with him, to rival mine and he's been with her ever since, despite his early disinterest in her. He has touched me in a romantic way since the letter, but I rejected him with much internal difficulty as I knew he was playing me.

    It's so hard to see him every at my university, and with her, we are on a long course together and I have another 2+ years of this torture I have to be in a small classroom with him for group work and his presence really affects my concentration in my own group. It might've been ok by now if he left me alone but he doesn't, he will stare at me and touch me from time-time.

    He did so a few weeks ago, and feeling a bit less into him at the time, I turned the tables on him. I saw him studying in a quiet placed and I rran my hand up his inner thigh, he didn't stop me just asked me what i was doing, then I touched him sexually and he soon bolted up, leaning in close shocked and angry looking, I then tried to kiss him but he backed away. I said to him "now we're even" and turned to walk away, he called after me in a snide tone but I carried on. It's left me feeling quite awful and I really thought he wouldn't be able to resist me and I might finally have my answer, but until then I had respected him too much to ever do that.

    Last night I found that he did sleep with the first girl afterall (I was always lead to believe he didn't and that was of some comfort to me, (gossip however says she said she did, even though he says he didn't) and it's brought back a lot of the feelings I had 2 years ago.

    I just want to be free of him, to stop wondering what his sexuality is, to stop caring about him, to stop wondering what it would feel like to be with him, to have his body and his heart; but these thoughts never leave me in peace. He told me once he thought I was good enough for him (if he was gay) and that just stays in my mind and the small tender things he did toward me, that if he's gay and can come to terms with it we can be together. At the same time I just wanted to make him happy, his only happiness seems to come from putting others down, so he must be unhappy inside.

    I met someone last summer on a holiday group, he is kind and incredibly handsome and he's at least admitted to being with guys before. We are sort of friends and bonded at a recent reunion but I just don't believe he could ever want me (my self esteem is SO low anyway) and I'm terrfied to tell him after my last experience with romance. I do genuinely care about him too and would want a relationship with him, but I just wonder if this obession and the constant ache and pain I feel with my old flat mate will ever go?

    Sorry this is so long:icon_sad:
     
    #1 JIM22, Mar 21, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2012
  2. Filip

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    First of all: hi, and welcome to EC! :smilewave

    It's a tough situation, so I'm not sure I can offer a definitive solution here, but there's a few things that spring to mind (a lot of which you may already know, but often this bears repeating.

    First of all: he's straight. Really. We can't look into the deepest recesses of his mind and find out what he's like deep down, but: he had every chance to be gay and open (and even get a boyfriend right away), and didn't take it. He went to some lengths to date girls. Time and again, he rebuffed any overtures.
    Whatever his deepest internal feelings: he made his choice. Made it, remade it, and confirmed it some more. So all you can do is take that choice at face value. Nothing you or anyone else can do is going to change that, and he definitely doesn't need to be "saved" from straightness or from himself. And you don't want to be the one wasting your life away hoping he's secretly gay and just waiting to come to terms with it.

    Secondly: I once was obsessed with a crush too. I spent about 5 years in highschool obsessing over a single guy. Good news: it does get better. I dare say my crushes after that were a great deal healthier. I was too far in my obsession for that first guy to easily get out of the crush (though with enough distancing, it did work in the end), but with the later crushes, I managed to not fall into the same trap from the outset. So don't take this obsession as a death sentence.

    How to distance yourself in a tight space? first of all, whenever you get the chance: make sure you sit on the opposite side of the class, closer to the professor than he's sitting. You don't want to spend the time staring at his neck. It's harder to focus on him if that involves obviously turning your head. And sitting closer to the professor means you're forced to pay closer attention to the class, instead of allowing your mind to wander off.

    Next: don't focus on getting even, or on touching him one more time. Whenever you find yourself making even a vague pass, remind yourself "wait, what am I doing here?" and back off. tough the first few times, perhaps, but you want to train it so that not touching him becomes a reflex. Same for him touching you. don't allow it, and if he does, back away. It's not doing you or him a service. You might fail at this a couple of times, but that's normal. As long as you're moving towards more distance between you and this guy.

    You might want to let a friend in on this. Obsessions feed upon themselves, and milling this over and over in your own mind won't help. Having a friend to talk to about this can act as a "lightning rod" of sorts, allowing you to take your obsession out of your own head and jointly taking a look at it. Not a miracle cure, but better than the self-sustaining feedback loop.


    And last but not least: don't let this keep you from interacting with other people, especially not that other gay guy. Locking yourself up with just yourself and your obsession doesn't help.
    How about you try to just get some kind of regular conversation with this new gay guy going? Just talking, hanging out, maybe even commiserating on previous crushes that went bad. And just see where that goes. Your previous mistakes don't define you. On the contrary: you might find out you learned a lot through this!
     
  3. Caoimhe Fayre

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    Welcome to EC.

    I don't have any suggestions, but I empathize. So thank you for asking your question, because although my situation is different, I think Filip gave good advice. :slight_smile:
     
  4. DegrassiLover10

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    Filip did give good advice. I'm not really in that kind of situation but good luck. Oh also welcome! I'm new here as well, we have to stick together, us newbies. xD
     
  5. JIM22

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    Hi Filip, thank's for the detailed reply - I do understand what you are getting at, but without hooking him up to a machine it's impossible to know he is straight lol. I am still inclined to believe he is a long-term denial/closet-case, the kind with strict, authoritarian parents, affluent background and won't be coming out until long after we graduate. His choice of girlfriend "if someone is always around you might as well go out with them" as a reaction to my letter reinforces this. I know he has to be around her, live with her, see her 24/7 at uni and digs but if she's that compliant it wouldn't be so hard, plus unlike me he doesn't have body issues which mean I could only have a close relationship with someone I was truly attracted to, if that makes sense? Surely that would make it easier for him to pretend. If you could see the photos of them you'd see his complete lack of feeling for her.

    The fact that he maybe had sex with another girl once, is neither here nor there when I think about it, and not impossible for someone gay if they really put their mind to it, if I' right to think?

    I do have a friend, who I can share all this with and she has also seen him and is also convinced he is gay, we have even gone as far as to makeout infront of him at parties to try to get a reaction, and it did mean he left swiftly.

    It's just so hard to see him deny anything from me or what we could've had (I even offered myself at the time we were talking as an "experiment", despite everything he was my best friend, and I loved him with all my heart. We were told we'd make a lovely couple. I need him too, nobody else gives me the feelings he did when he was close to me, and when he wanted he could be so supportive and have such a positive effect on my outlook.

    I'm gradually starting to believe I've done all I could for him, and that it's not enough - making a pass at him last week to try and entice him and being rebuffed was the final straw.

    If he comes after me, it will be when he's drunk at parties etc..a nice excuse to fall back on for things he does too "oh i touched you there because I was drunk" "I tell people I'm gay when I'm drunk for a joke" :bang: So I know interacting with him when he's like this will ultimately only hurt me more as I've been burned again, and as you say I can only overcome this with distance (when possible) and more time. He can't be serious with me, since he can't be serious with himself I know..unless there's anything else I could do?

    As far as Noah is concerned, I don't think he is gay, bisexual perhaps as he told us all he'd slept with a guy but opportunities to meet with him a far and few between. And although i think he likes me as a person (he's affectionate, squeezing my shoulders and putting his hand round my neck for photos, has a little smile when talking to me), I have not idea if he could like me like that back. I may well end up telling him how I feel..I didn't believe I'd ever be able to feel this way about anyone after Tom so I owe it to myself.

    Thank you DegrassiLover10 and Caoimhe Fayre for the warm welcomes
     
    #5 JIM22, Mar 21, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2012
  6. silkfrog1292

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    Hi and welcome to EC.

    i wholeheartedly second Filip's opinion. Even if he's obviously gay, as you've said he's so far into the closet it would be (at best) years before he comes out. Holding intense (and somewhat unrealistic) hopes as to him suddenly having an epiphany and admitting he's gay and would return your affections are definitely too optimistic, and would most probably not happen.

    I too had an intense obsession when i was in high school, he's kind, he defended me when i was bullied and treated me as a genuine friend. I fell in love with him one summer during a school boating trip. Then he went out with a girl, one of my best friends. I still remember the intense jealousy i felt whenever i saw them holding hands or going out to lunch together. Somehow this jealousy turned into something that eventually poisoned out relationship. One day he just broke off contact with me and his friends told me he hates me. Less than a month later he went to study overseas.

    At first the pain was unbearable. I cried myself to sleep almost everynight. I had thoughts of just swimming out to sea and just let myself sink (i was too much of a wimp to actually act it out). But overtime it slowly dulled, and eventually it smoothed over into indifference. He broke up with my friend a year ago, and still comes back to HK every christmas, but apart from the hyperventilation and blushing nothing anymore happens. I no longer have unrealistic fantasies nor dark brooding obsessions over him. True, i may still be crushing on him, but i only shows when i'm actually physically with him.

    I think that a little crushing is good from time to time, but if it turns into an obsession it becomes destructive and is not going to go anywhere. Live and let live, and please don't be too hard on yourself.
     
    #6 silkfrog1292, Mar 21, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2012
  7. JIM22

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    @Filip etc,
    Spent a lot of time thinking last night and I've come to the conclusion that he's straight..he must be.

    This is why nothing I ever did or said had any impact on him, he just didn't care. Kissing girls infront of him, writing a letter to his parents, pouring my heart out to him, coming on to him strong, nothing rendered any emotion; getting blood from a stone would've been easier. It's suddenly hit me SO HARD that I've spent over 2 years of my life being taken in on a sick joked played on me, by someone so narrow-minded that anybody a bit different must be treated like dirt and destroyed and to provide a continual source of comedy in the meantime; forcing me out the closet, constantly playing with my feelings, abusing me sexually; it was ALL a game to him.

    He's not tortured by his sexuality AT ALL. the reason not many girls liked him is given what a nasty and cruel person he is, that's why he's stuck with the doormat because no other girl will stand for it. The girl who he slept with before was a slag, and even she didn't stay around for long. What I thought I saw was obviously just a relection of myself coming back at me, that's all it must have - and I wanted to complete and care for the "vulnerability and sadness" I "saw in him." It never existed. He really did a number on me. And made me into a slave, to do all his bidding. Touch me "tenderally" in comfort of abuse he comitted in the first place. Just because he said I was good-looking enough for him, you only need to have eyes and be twisted enough to say that to someone you have NO interest in. Of course he's going to feel bad when I broke down and told him how damaged he made me, you'd have to be a complete sadist to be unconcerned, and I mistook all that for love somehow..:bang:

    I guess I have to take a small appreciation of the fact his girlfriend said "they are keeping away from me" indeed, they don't work in the break in main computer lab but go to quieter area on the other end of the building, but he will still make little signs when he can to show he's not forgotten. With this "epiphany" comes the assurence that I know I will never let him get to me again, even if he tries to touch me.:eusa_clap

    I think part of the problem was I refused for so very long to consider the possibility he was straight, thus I've excaberated it long after it should've died a natural death. The constant ache, that he is hurting as much as I am inside by "forcing" that life on himself and denying himself "happiness" really should subside now. I need to begin the slow and ardous process to also accept and grieve that the person I was "in love" with never even existed..
     
    #7 JIM22, Mar 22, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2012
  8. Filip

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    :thumbsup:
    That sounds like a good plan, really!

    In any case: it's good to let go. We might never know his motives for acting the way he did (might be he's a bastard, might be he's not a bad guy who just got carried away liking the attention. Might be he's totally straight, might be he even briefly considered the thought of being gay but discarded it...). Maybe even he doesn't know his motives himself.
    But in the end, that doesn't matter: you recognised he's a toxic element in your life right now, so paining after him hoping he'll miraculously turn gay and into you is not helping you at all.

    Do make sure you don't go the other way, now: obsessive hate is as bad as obsessive love. So make sure that instead of lustful glares, you don't spend the same amount of time sending him angry glares instead.


    On a personal anecdote: that's precisely how it ended up with my own obsessive highschool crush. At first, it was really hard not to spend so much time thinking of him. But it became easier and easier. As time went on, noticing my thoughts drifting towards him and stopping that from happening became second nature.
    And when I did see him again, years after graduating... I found out the feelings did pass completely. And that he was just some guy, not really especially good or bad, that I coincidentially fixated on.

    And, on an even more positive note: after the drained feeling goes away, it really is possible to genuinely crush on other people. While you're obsessing over someone, it really feels like you've exhausted all the feelings you can get in a single lifetime but that's really only part of the illusion. To be honest, I had way better and more meaningful feelings for people after that first crush than I ever had during it. So it does get better in that respect too.


    So: you're on the right path here. Do remember that if you want to talk about it more, we're always here to listen, though!
     
  9. JIM22

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    Yes although I was fully aware that he's toxic to me (and many others I'm sure) I couldn't let go because I couldn't accept he'd do all that to me and still be straight. I think it does feel worse in a way no however, knowing I fell so deep when I had no chance, but it's the only closure I'm going to get, and I also get the comfort on the otherhand that there was nothing I could have done, it is my fault in no way and I am certainly not missing out on a wonderful relationship on any level.

    No I won't stare angrily, that's still an investment in itself. I don't actively hate him anymore and that's partly to do with the fatc I retaliated so much to him, that it enabled me to get a lot of negativity out of my system. I will carry on ignoring him, looking right through him and showing no outward sign of any interest as I was doing for nearly 2 years on and off, until it all kicked up again. The problem before was I was playing the waiting game, I REALLY believed if I waited long enough, and played cold for enough time I'd find one day he'd come running into my arms.

    Naturally now I am imposing myself to dismiss him as straight NOT laid-in life BUT actually STRAIGHT, that his life is good and problem-free and now hope that these burdeneous feelings will fade soon in the same way they did for you with your crush. Even if he didn't have a girlfriend HE WOULDN'T WANT ME, he is STRAIGHT these are things I've started saying over and over again in my head now. As he even once said to me "it's nothing to do with your looks, it's to do with the fact you've got a **** and not a *****:rolle: and that "it's ok everyone likes someone they can't have.

    I will stick around on the forum however, to be a bit active and also I am sure I will need advice when I see my "other" crush again; I reiterate he is not a rebound, but this came around naturally and I could see myself really falling for him. There was someone else I tried to force myself to like, and although he was unattainable anyway (straight again!) it didn't work anyway. I liked this guy from the moment I saw him and before I knew about the sexual experiences he had had. I am 90% I will tell him how I feel when the time is right anyway.:slight_smile: